I was the one who wrote to always drive your own car to gatherings. I don't look to make an immediate getaway upon arrival, but when I'm ready to go, I'm gone. I always drive my own car when going to my wife's parents because my wife and daughter want to stay a lot longer than I do which is fine. That way, everyone is happy!
As I said in other places, I truly enjoyed the first candlelit or Candlelight Sunday chat (it seems that the name has not been decided upon quite yet, as I see both in use).
Though I hardly ever experience anxiety, it is always interesting to learn how other people experience and handle it. While I am neither anxious nor shy, I experience the drain of energy associated with introversion in social settings of a certain size.
I distinguish anxiety from fear. Anxiety is rather unspecific, while fear knows a causal object. Stage fright is an example of anxiety because we do not know what we are afraid of specifically.
In the rare cases that I have been anxious, it helped me to try to define what I was truly afraid of. Typically, I was unable to pinpoint the object of fear and gave up on my anxiety. When I found out the root cause of my anxiety, I imagined the worst-case scenarios. They usually turned out laughably inconsequential.
What do I mean? I lived through the divorce of my parents, being put into a boarding home, and being forced to prostitute myself in the gay community as a teenager. My daughter ran away and was almost killed by her boyfriend multiple times before she escaped. My elder son was almost killed in a car accident, and it took 12 years for him to recover. My younger son was so traumatized by this that he lived on the street for a few years. I lived through 3 bankruptcies (by my employers), 4 bore-outs, cancer, and almost died of lung embolisms. I lost 99% of my social contacts and subculture when I was thrown out of church for not mindlessly accepting the doctrine and succumbing to leadership. Apart from my wife and my children, 2 people kept a relationship. What is there left to be anxious about? And I can assure you: all this can be survived and life still is beautiful.
I am not making light of anybody's experience. We all have our thresholds of what we can take in different places. I am just talking about my own experience here.
I am looking forward to the next chat- I hope that we will talk more about introversion per se, but again, I have expressed this in other places.
Wow, Ralph - what a life story. And what a takeaway: "what is there left to be anxious about? ...all this can be survived and life is still beautiful."
Resilience is only part of the book I wrote ("The Unfiltered Thoughts of a Pastor in Exile"). You can read an excerpt on my tool for resilience here: https://aperspectival.substack.com/p/the-theory-of-positive-disintegration. Not the usual take, though, and certainly not a recipe. Just a tool to work with.
Thanks so much. I will check it out. Post traumatic stress is an under diagnosed problem in physicians. Ohio State College of Medicine is doing research on resiliency.
"Life is slippery. Here, take my hand." These words from author H. Jackson Brown, Jr. come to mind when I savor the memory of our candlelit Sunday chat, Susan. This is precisely what it felt like being there with you and other soulful people. You made us feel safe. Thank you, and I look forward to more.❤️
Susan, I found kindred spirits in the Zoom call. My only caveat is that these calls can edge into group therapy sessions, where one trauma after another is disclosed and tears shed. Obviously, there's a place for this in a professional setting, but that's not how I perceive The Quiet Life. Instead, I look forward to resonant observations, constructive strategies, and heartfelt affirmation. I know we live in a therapeutic culture, but this community should be something apart from that. I also understand that this is likely a minority (and perhaps male) opinion!
I can understand that. We're definitely planning a variety of calls, including interviews with other authors and thinkers (where you all will be able to ask questions & offer thoughts).
I felt welcomed in a beautiful way into a group I absolutely knew I belonged in. I used the word bittersweet in describing so many moments in my life. Thank you for providing a safe place to speak my mind. Something, that doesn’t always come easy for me.
the name alone of this blessed circle -- The Quiet Life -- feels like a homecoming to me. it's such a gentle way of naming our/my natural-born near-monastic tendencies. as an author myself who sometimes needs to step up to the podium, occasions that riddle me with fear and loathing, it is such a comfort to know that a writer as beautiful as you, one who plumbs the depths of soul and psyche, is willing to say aloud just how scary it can be. sometimes simply reaching out to hold the hand of another is enough to carry me across my thresholds of trepidation. in my imagination, i will be reaching out to hold your hand.
Thank you for that, Barbara - it brought a tear to my eye. Yes it can be scary! (It also does get better over time, too. I think I'll be quite a bit less nervous about our next candlelight chat, for example.)
BTW the great music producer, Rick Rubin, also describes his lifestyle as near-monastic.
I get it. have you tried practicing in situations like a Toastmasters or a workshop for ppl with speaking anxiety? ie a place where the stakes are so low as to be non-existent? (That's how I started.)
I've only dabbled in poetry, but I have been attending a group of local poets and I have read poems I wrote three times. The anticipation is indeed the worst. I was among the last ones to read last Sunday and while I tried my best to pay attention to the other poets, my mind kept telling me how I just wanted it to be my turn to get it over with. It's a good experience though, despite mild anxiety and I'm glad I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone in a good way. Usually, getting out of my comfort zone only affirms why I don't like something in the first place LOL, but the poetry readings have been uplifting for me. Photography helps me confront anxiety, too, such as at a football game when two football players were coming right at me. I just kept taking pictures and captured a touchdown pass before the players fell inches in front of me. I could have been clobbered!
I really enjoyed the Candlelight Sunday chat. There were a couple of times I started to “raise my hand” and then the anxiety kicked in. The partial anonymity of Zoom didn’t protect me. Ironically, throughout my adult life, I’ve held jobs that nearly always required public speaking - briefer, tour guide, instructor at a piano/organ store, instructor at a Community College (this one in another language). I somehow managed to not let my nerves get the best of me. Maybe it was that over preparation that some mentioned.
I look forward to more Sunday chats. And, who knows, maybe I’ll raise my hand. 🙂
As I wrote in my LinkedIn post: Susan's TEDx talk and book, "Quiet," empowered and inspired life-long introverts like myself to speak up and speak out with pride and confidence. And now we have this wonderful community of like-minded people to share with and support one another! Thank you, Susan!
My workplace is very extrovert oriented... or maybe that's just the world in general. I survived the Christmas party today, but it was painful and I was miserable. It was so loud and nerve shattering. Of course, a large part of the pain was because my daughter is in the hospital and there are hard decisions to make... and as an introvert, I don't tell people how much pain I'm in because I don't think they'd really care... when I'm in pain, I just want to be alone and quiet. Of course, having a few people who care would be nice too...
Thank you for the tips. I have used the getaway car idea and I try to change the word problem to challenge. However it is gratifying to know I am no t the only one.
Amazingly enough, there was a sense of belonging created in Sunday's internationally attended online chat. Susan, through your books, letters, and presence you allow that belonging and that sense of safety. I was surprised to feel tearful at the beginning of the chat. And I enjoyed seeing your facial expressions, Susan, as they reflected the care you extended to participants who were courageous enough to ask questions in real time. Thank you for this experience.
What a beautiful gathering, Susan, thank you! I was happy to be part of it. And the Leonard Cohen quotes bookending the experience was really magical for me (he's an inspiration). 💕
Candlelight Gathering was so lovely. Thank you, Susan, and everyone. Well worth the time. It is also wonderful to feel your authenticity, Susan. Your fame makes you a bit of a celebrity to us, yet you are so unjaded, kind, and interested. Truly delighted to be part of the community.
On the "zoom meeting", I felt a homage and reassurance. I loved the way people talked. It is really wonderful thing to be with you all, and susan cain particularly.
The Irishman in me likes the getaway car 🚗 concept!
I was the one who wrote to always drive your own car to gatherings. I don't look to make an immediate getaway upon arrival, but when I'm ready to go, I'm gone. I always drive my own car when going to my wife's parents because my wife and daughter want to stay a lot longer than I do which is fine. That way, everyone is happy!
I always drive myself to an event so I can leave when I choose!
As I said in other places, I truly enjoyed the first candlelit or Candlelight Sunday chat (it seems that the name has not been decided upon quite yet, as I see both in use).
Though I hardly ever experience anxiety, it is always interesting to learn how other people experience and handle it. While I am neither anxious nor shy, I experience the drain of energy associated with introversion in social settings of a certain size.
I distinguish anxiety from fear. Anxiety is rather unspecific, while fear knows a causal object. Stage fright is an example of anxiety because we do not know what we are afraid of specifically.
In the rare cases that I have been anxious, it helped me to try to define what I was truly afraid of. Typically, I was unable to pinpoint the object of fear and gave up on my anxiety. When I found out the root cause of my anxiety, I imagined the worst-case scenarios. They usually turned out laughably inconsequential.
What do I mean? I lived through the divorce of my parents, being put into a boarding home, and being forced to prostitute myself in the gay community as a teenager. My daughter ran away and was almost killed by her boyfriend multiple times before she escaped. My elder son was almost killed in a car accident, and it took 12 years for him to recover. My younger son was so traumatized by this that he lived on the street for a few years. I lived through 3 bankruptcies (by my employers), 4 bore-outs, cancer, and almost died of lung embolisms. I lost 99% of my social contacts and subculture when I was thrown out of church for not mindlessly accepting the doctrine and succumbing to leadership. Apart from my wife and my children, 2 people kept a relationship. What is there left to be anxious about? And I can assure you: all this can be survived and life still is beautiful.
I am not making light of anybody's experience. We all have our thresholds of what we can take in different places. I am just talking about my own experience here.
I am looking forward to the next chat- I hope that we will talk more about introversion per se, but again, I have expressed this in other places.
Wow, Ralph - what a life story. And what a takeaway: "what is there left to be anxious about? ...all this can be survived and life is still beautiful."
It sounds like you could write the book on resilience.
Resilience is only part of the book I wrote ("The Unfiltered Thoughts of a Pastor in Exile"). You can read an excerpt on my tool for resilience here: https://aperspectival.substack.com/p/the-theory-of-positive-disintegration. Not the usual take, though, and certainly not a recipe. Just a tool to work with.
Thanks so much. I will check it out. Post traumatic stress is an under diagnosed problem in physicians. Ohio State College of Medicine is doing research on resiliency.
"Life is slippery. Here, take my hand." These words from author H. Jackson Brown, Jr. come to mind when I savor the memory of our candlelit Sunday chat, Susan. This is precisely what it felt like being there with you and other soulful people. You made us feel safe. Thank you, and I look forward to more.❤️
Thank you, Linda, what a lovely comment. We're so glad you were there.
Susan, I found kindred spirits in the Zoom call. My only caveat is that these calls can edge into group therapy sessions, where one trauma after another is disclosed and tears shed. Obviously, there's a place for this in a professional setting, but that's not how I perceive The Quiet Life. Instead, I look forward to resonant observations, constructive strategies, and heartfelt affirmation. I know we live in a therapeutic culture, but this community should be something apart from that. I also understand that this is likely a minority (and perhaps male) opinion!
Hi Daniel,
I can understand that. We're definitely planning a variety of calls, including interviews with other authors and thinkers (where you all will be able to ask questions & offer thoughts).
I felt welcomed in a beautiful way into a group I absolutely knew I belonged in. I used the word bittersweet in describing so many moments in my life. Thank you for providing a safe place to speak my mind. Something, that doesn’t always come easy for me.
We loved hearing from you, Geralyn!
the name alone of this blessed circle -- The Quiet Life -- feels like a homecoming to me. it's such a gentle way of naming our/my natural-born near-monastic tendencies. as an author myself who sometimes needs to step up to the podium, occasions that riddle me with fear and loathing, it is such a comfort to know that a writer as beautiful as you, one who plumbs the depths of soul and psyche, is willing to say aloud just how scary it can be. sometimes simply reaching out to hold the hand of another is enough to carry me across my thresholds of trepidation. in my imagination, i will be reaching out to hold your hand.
Thank you for that, Barbara - it brought a tear to my eye. Yes it can be scary! (It also does get better over time, too. I think I'll be quite a bit less nervous about our next candlelight chat, for example.)
BTW the great music producer, Rick Rubin, also describes his lifestyle as near-monastic.
i keep telling myself it should get better over time, but then i find myself deep in the gulley of heart pounding, hand trembling, and ....
I get it. have you tried practicing in situations like a Toastmasters or a workshop for ppl with speaking anxiety? ie a place where the stakes are so low as to be non-existent? (That's how I started.)
the crazy thing is that i am always fine once i start; it's the preamble that is agony.....
oh yes - anticipatory anxiety is the worst.
I've only dabbled in poetry, but I have been attending a group of local poets and I have read poems I wrote three times. The anticipation is indeed the worst. I was among the last ones to read last Sunday and while I tried my best to pay attention to the other poets, my mind kept telling me how I just wanted it to be my turn to get it over with. It's a good experience though, despite mild anxiety and I'm glad I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone in a good way. Usually, getting out of my comfort zone only affirms why I don't like something in the first place LOL, but the poetry readings have been uplifting for me. Photography helps me confront anxiety, too, such as at a football game when two football players were coming right at me. I just kept taking pictures and captured a touchdown pass before the players fell inches in front of me. I could have been clobbered!
I really enjoyed the Candlelight Sunday chat. There were a couple of times I started to “raise my hand” and then the anxiety kicked in. The partial anonymity of Zoom didn’t protect me. Ironically, throughout my adult life, I’ve held jobs that nearly always required public speaking - briefer, tour guide, instructor at a piano/organ store, instructor at a Community College (this one in another language). I somehow managed to not let my nerves get the best of me. Maybe it was that over preparation that some mentioned.
I look forward to more Sunday chats. And, who knows, maybe I’ll raise my hand. 🙂
I have such fomo having missed the first candlelight chat. I’m so glad to hear it was a success and I will surely catch the next one!
Don't worry, there will be more! And we'll send out the full recording soon.
Me too and I hardly ever have FOMO. I’m more JOMO. ;)
"JOMO": that one is going into memory bank for future use -- thank you!
As I wrote in my LinkedIn post: Susan's TEDx talk and book, "Quiet," empowered and inspired life-long introverts like myself to speak up and speak out with pride and confidence. And now we have this wonderful community of like-minded people to share with and support one another! Thank you, Susan!
My workplace is very extrovert oriented... or maybe that's just the world in general. I survived the Christmas party today, but it was painful and I was miserable. It was so loud and nerve shattering. Of course, a large part of the pain was because my daughter is in the hospital and there are hard decisions to make... and as an introvert, I don't tell people how much pain I'm in because I don't think they'd really care... when I'm in pain, I just want to be alone and quiet. Of course, having a few people who care would be nice too...
At a couple of points, I had to pinch myself..."Wait, this is a [virtual] room full of introverts. How cool is this?"
:) !
Thank you for the tips. I have used the getaway car idea and I try to change the word problem to challenge. However it is gratifying to know I am no t the only one.
Amazingly enough, there was a sense of belonging created in Sunday's internationally attended online chat. Susan, through your books, letters, and presence you allow that belonging and that sense of safety. I was surprised to feel tearful at the beginning of the chat. And I enjoyed seeing your facial expressions, Susan, as they reflected the care you extended to participants who were courageous enough to ask questions in real time. Thank you for this experience.
What a beautiful gathering, Susan, thank you! I was happy to be part of it. And the Leonard Cohen quotes bookending the experience was really magical for me (he's an inspiration). 💕
he is the BEST :)
Candlelight Gathering was so lovely. Thank you, Susan, and everyone. Well worth the time. It is also wonderful to feel your authenticity, Susan. Your fame makes you a bit of a celebrity to us, yet you are so unjaded, kind, and interested. Truly delighted to be part of the community.
On the "zoom meeting", I felt a homage and reassurance. I loved the way people talked. It is really wonderful thing to be with you all, and susan cain particularly.
we were so glad that you were there, Raed!
Thank you Susan🌹