What I learned from our first Candlelit Sunday Chat
(including lots of advice on social anxiety, holiday parties, and more)
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Dear friends,
Oh there is so much to say about the first Sunday candlelight chat, that we held a few days ago.
That you’re an extraordinary group of people: thoughtful, deep, and warm.
That it was possible, even via Zoom, to spend a truly intimate hour together. (One of you called it “a beautiful space of belonging.”)
That we had a perfect balance of people quietly listening vs. participating via written comments vs. “raising hands” to speak.
That you came from all over the world. (As one of you put it, “I love that this community is global.... a golden thread connecting us all over the world.....and a mixture of ages, genders, ethnicities.”)
That we should do this again: “I’d do this again in a heartbeat,” you said. “This was a beautiful way to spend my Sunday.” “Please do this again.”
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And so, we will. We have some great Sunday chats planned, including with some special guests… to be announced! Please stay tuned for details.
In the meantime, here’s a clip from our chat. We’ll also send the full recording in a few days. (It takes us some time to pull it together.)
(Please note: to participate in these chats, and to receive the full recordings, you must be a paid or scholarship subscriber.)
It’s also true, as I mentioned at the start, that I was pretty nervous! After all my years as a public speaker, I’m “de-sensitized” by now to many forms of stage fright. But, as a shy person, it never truly goes away. And it often flares up when I’m doing something new - like gathering you from all over the world for a heartfelt discussion.
Which led to many of you sharing your thoughts and advice on how you handle things like stage fright, social anxiety, holiday parties, and so on. Here’s a curated collection of your excellent insights and advice:
ANXIETY
I try to re-label my anxiety when I speak...it's just energy and means I CARE
I become more anxious the more I care about what I am presenting.
Sometimes, I’ve experienced that fear was actually an indicator that an action was very important/ worth doing - especially because it was challenging
EVENTS
I always feel anxious when I am invited to a public event but sometimes when I push myself to attend, I end up having a good time. I think introverts sometimes need to push themselves to get out to go have fun and you do end up having fun. Not always though - sometimes.
Always drive your own car to events, including family gatherings so you can leave when you want. Also, don't park in a driveway because someone will park behind you and delay your getaway!
I think of going to some things as going to a foreign land. I speak their language for a bit, perhaps find someone from my own land (the land of introversion), and then take myself home when enough is enough.
One thing that helps me at parties is to find someone who isn't talking to someone and asking them questions or relating my own awkwardness and they either begin talking or share their own nervousness and it takes the burden off of me.
And finally, my favorite bit of community advice:
“Personal Growth Moment: When attending a Community Session with a Candle and a Coffee Mug, place them FAAAR apart. I’ve nearly drunk candle wax twice now… 😆”
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I’ll be back in a few days with some more advice on the topic of social anxiety etc.…this time, from the author Adam Grant. Plus, a book giveaway of Adam’s latest book, Hidden Potential! Please stay tuned.
In the meantime, if you or a friend or family member would like to participate in our Sunday chats (or access them, to watch later), please do consider joining the Quiet Life, or giving it as a holiday gift. We put a ton of labor (of love) into this work, and truly appreciate your support!
Or you can simply share our work with fellow lovers of Quiet, Depth, and Beauty:
If you participated in the Sunday chat and would like to share your experiences, or have thoughts on the above advice and insights, we are, as usual, all ears - please comment, below!
And we are very glad you’re here,
❤️ Susan
The Irishman in me likes the getaway car 🚗 concept!
As I said in other places, I truly enjoyed the first candlelit or Candlelight Sunday chat (it seems that the name has not been decided upon quite yet, as I see both in use).
Though I hardly ever experience anxiety, it is always interesting to learn how other people experience and handle it. While I am neither anxious nor shy, I experience the drain of energy associated with introversion in social settings of a certain size.
I distinguish anxiety from fear. Anxiety is rather unspecific, while fear knows a causal object. Stage fright is an example of anxiety because we do not know what we are afraid of specifically.
In the rare cases that I have been anxious, it helped me to try to define what I was truly afraid of. Typically, I was unable to pinpoint the object of fear and gave up on my anxiety. When I found out the root cause of my anxiety, I imagined the worst-case scenarios. They usually turned out laughably inconsequential.
What do I mean? I lived through the divorce of my parents, being put into a boarding home, and being forced to prostitute myself in the gay community as a teenager. My daughter ran away and was almost killed by her boyfriend multiple times before she escaped. My elder son was almost killed in a car accident, and it took 12 years for him to recover. My younger son was so traumatized by this that he lived on the street for a few years. I lived through 3 bankruptcies (by my employers), 4 bore-outs, cancer, and almost died of lung embolisms. I lost 99% of my social contacts and subculture when I was thrown out of church for not mindlessly accepting the doctrine and succumbing to leadership. Apart from my wife and my children, 2 people kept a relationship. What is there left to be anxious about? And I can assure you: all this can be survived and life still is beautiful.
I am not making light of anybody's experience. We all have our thresholds of what we can take in different places. I am just talking about my own experience here.
I am looking forward to the next chat- I hope that we will talk more about introversion per se, but again, I have expressed this in other places.