Amazing reflection! I lost myself though I loved the early dependent stage of parenting lucky that I’m now on the other side and able to renew this connection with myself. Bravo keep it up
Stephanie's words hit home with me. After the loss of my first baby, still a grieving mom and then a mom to a baby who needed me, I felt a sense of the loss of myself. This continued over the past 28 years of raising my children, all who have chronic health conditions. My focus has been so much on them and not enough on me.
But one thing I did was to write in my journal every night. It started after the loss of my daughter as a way to express feelings no one around me could possibly understand. In those moments, I did not know who I was or whether the life I envisioned for myself was possible. As my three other children were born into this world, I continued writing--documenting the highs and lows of each day, the challenges, the milestones, the funny and wonderful moments. I needed this outlet to express myself. When I look back on some of those journals, I can see my growth, my courage, my perseverance--all things I never would've thought I was capable of. I always wanted to be a mom, my inner self is innately a caregiver. I'm doing was I was meant to do.
Still, losing oneself is easy while focusing so much on others. I've ridden a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling like I had lost myself along the way. When in reality I had to put aside things and dreams I had for myself, but my true self remains. At one point, I stopped journaling, thinking that it was a mere distraction and not keeping me more in the present moment. What I found was that I began losing myself even more, and I needed that outlet. I might not have as much alone time as I might like, but the journaling continues, giving me time to reflect on my feelings and tapping into my inner desires, whether they come to fruition or not. It helps me have hope, it helps me remind myself who I am and what is important to me. I love that I can write whatever I might be harboring without judgement, knowing the words written are all about me and who I am.
I love my children; however, I feel the need to take care of my time and personal space. When I don’t, I feel tired and exhausted. Thinking that acts of self-love are selfish? Of course not. We cannot give what we don’t have. Creating time to simply be, to nourish ourselves, appreciate ourselves, and take care of ourselves is essential for our well-being and for those around us.
I have practiced journaling, and it works really well for me—it helps me release all the mental noise. Sometimes, I have very busy days and struggle to make time for it, but I like the idea of a three-minute free-write. It feels like a short amount of time, but it can lead to great results. A small habit at a time can help us achieve our biggest goals.
Bravo Stephanie for the wisdom and fortitude, encouragement and grace offered in this beautifully written piece. It took me many years to learn how to tend to my alone time, my creativity and needs as an introvert while also parenting my son. Especially when I became a single mom. My car became another room in the house, a wee corner in back garden for 5 minutes of warm sunshine, doodling on grocery bags for a few minutes until I’m breathing more rhythmically. All these years later I’m still practicing self care in these ways, it’s essential.
Holding space for yourself within the chaos if only for a moment giving yourself the air you need to breathe so you can Be there for the ones you love... Giving space for your loves to be, to freely express themselves so they can find themselves is one of most beautiful gifts we can give. I never had that... Love reading this article how she held on, gave space for herself while still loving and being there for her kids is truly valuable wisdom.... Have a lovely day
My biggest struggle was breast feeding and having to be so physically tied. I could have pumped and pumped to store milk, but as a teacher I just didn’t want to deal, but I was torn since everything I heard was that breast milk is best for the baby. The best advice I got was that what is best for mom is best for baby. I went to formula and found a renewed sense of self because I could take the space and time I needed without being needed every few hours.
Even though I don't have kids, I was moved by that piece and found it inviting to consider writing as an act of self love and self expression, even just for a few minutes a day. And even if no one else will ever read my words. I'm often feeling stuck before even starting, because I imagine an audience reading my piece, and I think to myself "Why would anyone care about what I have to say"? - already censoring myself. But seeing writing as an act of self expression, something I do just for myself, might do the trick of getting started. Thank you for sharing this beautiful article, Susan!
Thank you for reading! As an editor in publishing and now author myself, I know the pressures that face public writing, and I know the pleasure of writing privately for oneself! I love hearing how this mindset shift might free you up.
Stephanie has a lot of clarity during a time when I couldn't begin to see forest for trees. I smiled when she mentioned the donut pillow; it was an albatross but also my savior and I have not thought of it in fifteen years!
Since the mid 2000's I have managed to fill an entire canvas bag with newspaper clippings, quotes scribbled on sticky notes, and other mental dandruff that I tucked in there like I was feathering a nest way way post-partum. I am looking at said bag under the desk right now.
My younger child will leave for college in August, so it's high time I peeked inside. My problem will be that I so love re-reading the words and musing about them that I don't begin the hard work of writing. Until I run out of time for the day..
Parenthood is an act of witness. How powerful, when control is always looming. And you get to witness further as they grow older.
I owe everything to my 2 daughters, Josefina and Antonella. I have grown at a faster rate, I've had the biggest, most powerful and most painful learnings ever.
And of course, I keep learning. And as an HSP, it's been a whole journey of making one mistake after the other... and learning.
I have become more productive. More mindful. More present. I'm more aware of who my closest people in life are. And I value each second of my time by myself, and with my wife.
And surely, parenting is bittersweet. You get to see them spread their wings, and at the same time knowing their presence is fleeting. Their voices shift, their independence emerges. You want time for yourself but you know the clock is ticking.
I did not find new rooms, but a new use for a room. The bathroom became my reading room, the place where I placed calls, and sometimes sorted mail (that I would collect on my own from the mailbox!). After facing said pressure to be available 24/7, I decided the best way to teach my kids about my need for space was to read a humorous children's book together. I discovered "Five Minutes Peace", by Jill Murphy. It is about a mother elephant, with younglings needing toast buttered, or an audience when practicing the bugle. It was fun to read and I felt like I had someone to relate to. It helped my kids to give grace when I would say, "Five minutes peace" --it was like sharing an inside joke and no feelings were hurt.
The bathroom becomes a sacred space! I love the shorthand you created with your kids and the respect you instilled in them around this ritual. Might try that myself!
The most lovely and happily moment for me is when my daughter comes to me while I’m reading, listening and writing or studying, saying to me ohhhh what is this mmmmmm give me your books, give me your pen mmmm you don’t need that because I need them. I give her what she wants to start her activities on my own books☺️
I was quite young (23) when my daughter came along. She had surprised us but was very much wanted once I knew she was coming.
I wish I had been as self-aware as this author in those days! I guiltily kept my book in the kitchen counter, open to the page I was reading, and would sneak a peek at the pages by taking a few minutes longer to cook a meal.
I also hid in the closet when I just couldn’t take what felt like the constant demands of children and husband!
Thank you for this insightful post. When my kids were little (mid '80s) self-care wasn't a thing. Going out for a run made me feel selfish, but it was the only thing that kept me sane during those days. I remember even feeling guilty for not wanting to take the kids grocery shopping. I watched my mother deny herself over and over and my grandmother praising her for doing so. I'm so glad that today's mothers are learning how to honor their unique selves.
Amazing reflection! I lost myself though I loved the early dependent stage of parenting lucky that I’m now on the other side and able to renew this connection with myself. Bravo keep it up
Stephanie's words hit home with me. After the loss of my first baby, still a grieving mom and then a mom to a baby who needed me, I felt a sense of the loss of myself. This continued over the past 28 years of raising my children, all who have chronic health conditions. My focus has been so much on them and not enough on me.
But one thing I did was to write in my journal every night. It started after the loss of my daughter as a way to express feelings no one around me could possibly understand. In those moments, I did not know who I was or whether the life I envisioned for myself was possible. As my three other children were born into this world, I continued writing--documenting the highs and lows of each day, the challenges, the milestones, the funny and wonderful moments. I needed this outlet to express myself. When I look back on some of those journals, I can see my growth, my courage, my perseverance--all things I never would've thought I was capable of. I always wanted to be a mom, my inner self is innately a caregiver. I'm doing was I was meant to do.
Still, losing oneself is easy while focusing so much on others. I've ridden a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling like I had lost myself along the way. When in reality I had to put aside things and dreams I had for myself, but my true self remains. At one point, I stopped journaling, thinking that it was a mere distraction and not keeping me more in the present moment. What I found was that I began losing myself even more, and I needed that outlet. I might not have as much alone time as I might like, but the journaling continues, giving me time to reflect on my feelings and tapping into my inner desires, whether they come to fruition or not. It helps me have hope, it helps me remind myself who I am and what is important to me. I love that I can write whatever I might be harboring without judgement, knowing the words written are all about me and who I am.
I love my children; however, I feel the need to take care of my time and personal space. When I don’t, I feel tired and exhausted. Thinking that acts of self-love are selfish? Of course not. We cannot give what we don’t have. Creating time to simply be, to nourish ourselves, appreciate ourselves, and take care of ourselves is essential for our well-being and for those around us.
I have practiced journaling, and it works really well for me—it helps me release all the mental noise. Sometimes, I have very busy days and struggle to make time for it, but I like the idea of a three-minute free-write. It feels like a short amount of time, but it can lead to great results. A small habit at a time can help us achieve our biggest goals.
Bravo Stephanie for the wisdom and fortitude, encouragement and grace offered in this beautifully written piece. It took me many years to learn how to tend to my alone time, my creativity and needs as an introvert while also parenting my son. Especially when I became a single mom. My car became another room in the house, a wee corner in back garden for 5 minutes of warm sunshine, doodling on grocery bags for a few minutes until I’m breathing more rhythmically. All these years later I’m still practicing self care in these ways, it’s essential.
Holding space for yourself within the chaos if only for a moment giving yourself the air you need to breathe so you can Be there for the ones you love... Giving space for your loves to be, to freely express themselves so they can find themselves is one of most beautiful gifts we can give. I never had that... Love reading this article how she held on, gave space for herself while still loving and being there for her kids is truly valuable wisdom.... Have a lovely day
I thought I was the only one
My biggest struggle was breast feeding and having to be so physically tied. I could have pumped and pumped to store milk, but as a teacher I just didn’t want to deal, but I was torn since everything I heard was that breast milk is best for the baby. The best advice I got was that what is best for mom is best for baby. I went to formula and found a renewed sense of self because I could take the space and time I needed without being needed every few hours.
Celebrating you and the choice to self-renew!
Remarkable piece.
Thank you for reading!
Even though I don't have kids, I was moved by that piece and found it inviting to consider writing as an act of self love and self expression, even just for a few minutes a day. And even if no one else will ever read my words. I'm often feeling stuck before even starting, because I imagine an audience reading my piece, and I think to myself "Why would anyone care about what I have to say"? - already censoring myself. But seeing writing as an act of self expression, something I do just for myself, might do the trick of getting started. Thank you for sharing this beautiful article, Susan!
Thank you for reading! As an editor in publishing and now author myself, I know the pressures that face public writing, and I know the pleasure of writing privately for oneself! I love hearing how this mindset shift might free you up.
I just wanted to say, I love all the images you find to share with us - so lovely! Thank you.
Stephanie has a lot of clarity during a time when I couldn't begin to see forest for trees. I smiled when she mentioned the donut pillow; it was an albatross but also my savior and I have not thought of it in fifteen years!
Since the mid 2000's I have managed to fill an entire canvas bag with newspaper clippings, quotes scribbled on sticky notes, and other mental dandruff that I tucked in there like I was feathering a nest way way post-partum. I am looking at said bag under the desk right now.
My younger child will leave for college in August, so it's high time I peeked inside. My problem will be that I so love re-reading the words and musing about them that I don't begin the hard work of writing. Until I run out of time for the day..
Laughing with you at the donut pillow memory—amazing how it seems to come flooding back! Thank you for reading!
Such evocative writing, Stephanie. Thank you!
Parenthood is an act of witness. How powerful, when control is always looming. And you get to witness further as they grow older.
I owe everything to my 2 daughters, Josefina and Antonella. I have grown at a faster rate, I've had the biggest, most powerful and most painful learnings ever.
And of course, I keep learning. And as an HSP, it's been a whole journey of making one mistake after the other... and learning.
I have become more productive. More mindful. More present. I'm more aware of who my closest people in life are. And I value each second of my time by myself, and with my wife.
And surely, parenting is bittersweet. You get to see them spread their wings, and at the same time knowing their presence is fleeting. Their voices shift, their independence emerges. You want time for yourself but you know the clock is ticking.
Parenting is beautiful.
Beautiful to read the reflection of a parent further ahead than I. Bittersweet indeed, but beautiful the way through!
I did not find new rooms, but a new use for a room. The bathroom became my reading room, the place where I placed calls, and sometimes sorted mail (that I would collect on my own from the mailbox!). After facing said pressure to be available 24/7, I decided the best way to teach my kids about my need for space was to read a humorous children's book together. I discovered "Five Minutes Peace", by Jill Murphy. It is about a mother elephant, with younglings needing toast buttered, or an audience when practicing the bugle. It was fun to read and I felt like I had someone to relate to. It helped my kids to give grace when I would say, "Five minutes peace" --it was like sharing an inside joke and no feelings were hurt.
Aw I have happy memories of that book. I'll never forget the dark circles under her eyes!
The bathroom becomes a sacred space! I love the shorthand you created with your kids and the respect you instilled in them around this ritual. Might try that myself!
I look forward to checking out your Slant letter.
The most lovely and happily moment for me is when my daughter comes to me while I’m reading, listening and writing or studying, saying to me ohhhh what is this mmmmmm give me your books, give me your pen mmmm you don’t need that because I need them. I give her what she wants to start her activities on my own books☺️
So sweet of her to seek you out so, and creative some quiet time together!
I was quite young (23) when my daughter came along. She had surprised us but was very much wanted once I knew she was coming.
I wish I had been as self-aware as this author in those days! I guiltily kept my book in the kitchen counter, open to the page I was reading, and would sneak a peek at the pages by taking a few minutes longer to cook a meal.
I also hid in the closet when I just couldn’t take what felt like the constant demands of children and husband!
Haha I hide all the time 😆 sometimes with guilt, and sometimes not!
Thank you for this insightful post. When my kids were little (mid '80s) self-care wasn't a thing. Going out for a run made me feel selfish, but it was the only thing that kept me sane during those days. I remember even feeling guilty for not wanting to take the kids grocery shopping. I watched my mother deny herself over and over and my grandmother praising her for doing so. I'm so glad that today's mothers are learning how to honor their unique selves.
Thank you for reading and your comment, this perspective means so much to me. We all deserve to be cared for as we care!