I’m swooning over your beloved grandfather and what he means to you. Thank you for your eloquence and for sharing him with us.
It’s early days, but I will say that this quiet place feels similar to hiking in the wilderness. It feels like church and also like coming home. So, I like the word congregation. I think your grandfather would, too.
All my life, I’ve been a voracious reader and a writer who doesn’t write. I’ve been what author and teacher Julia Cameron calls a “shadow artist”— disconnected from my creativity while admiring other writers and secretly wishing I could do what they do.
I’m 64 now and finally decided to change that nonsense this year. I started publicly sharing my essays and curated content in my free newsletter, How She Thrives, aimed at women in the second half of life. Putting myself out there as a novice writer is daunting, but I am determined to persevere, learn, and grow.
Thirty years from now, when I’m 94, I hope to still be honing my craft. There might even be a body of work making a difference in the world. Wouldn’t that be something? :)
And I keep hearing from people who are starting or have started their creative lives later in life - one of them published his first book of poetry at 70!
I love Maya Angelou. And another one of her quotes: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I get the 'feels' when I read stories, poems, listen to music etc. Yes Linda, make people feel.
Hello Linda, thanks for sharing this. From the third paragraph, I thought I had written your response. I am also 64, a writer who doesn't write. I also hope to be honing my craft at 94 and sharing my voice in a way that lightens the way for me and others.
Hello, kindred spirit. Vincent van Gogh apparently said, “If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” Simply begin. And then write, Kelley, write. ❤️
Would you please share the link to your newsletter, How She Thrives? I am more than in the second half of my life and so need the inspiration that I hope your newsletter may provide. Rhonda.seegers@gmail.com
I recently called my 101 year old aunt in Texas.....still doing well and I realized how rich it’d be to fly and see her and hear stories about her life, including my father who died at 57. She sends real cards to me, and talks from a landline. I asked her if she texts. “No” she said. So we talk, and send cards.
During COVID lockdowns I exchanged emails with an 86 yo cousin I’d discovered through genealogy. She lives in Helsinki Finland (I live in Arizona) and, through our emails, I learned about her amazing life. She sent packages of books and her own history too. As soon as COVID travel restrictions lifted, I flew to Finland to meet her in person and wow, we talked for hours and hours and hours. It was so precious! I want to write about her life but I don’t know where to begin. She’s quite happy about my doing it—she just turned 89–but I don’t know where to begin.
Valerie...not trying to sound simplistic, but begin at the beginning or middle or present. I realize writing can be a lot of hard work (I am trying to write starting with poetry and I feel so vulnerable esp. at my age), yet perhaps pick a favorite story she told you and go from there. Best of luck to you! I love hearing other people's stories of lives richly led. How exciting.
I love the Church of Quiet - the only thing we listen to is the Great Spirit, the Holy Spirit, the Tao, Jesus, our Creator, the Great I Am. When we are quiet that is the only sound. The sound of Love, of Peace, of connection without words. My ocean liner of being a long time career veterinarian is also shifting to writing. While going through chemo I am tapping into the Spirit like never before. I have no choice but to this cancer is rough but the Voice in the Church of Quiet is perfectly smooth as it settle on my parched and twisted and withering strength. The inner strength I get from you, my Ham-dels.
I'm embraced Taoism as my spiritual guide. May you find strength from this community, and the Universe, to regain full health and vitality for 2024 and beyond! Rooting for you!
Wonderful story. I hope to spend time sitting beside trees and a river with a cup of coffee, alternating between daydreaming, reading and watching the sky. And remembering that it's possible to overcome childhood pain and create a peaceful life filled with magic.
Thank you, Karen. And, can you do that right this minute? Or some time this weekend? (ie assemble cup of coffee, book, and head into the nearest nature you can find)?
(And - I'm sorry re the childhood pain. Whether it ever goes away fully, I don't know, but maybe you can think of the goal as simply turning in the direction of peace and magic?)
Thanks, Susan. I’m experiencing my private paradise either physically or virtually as often as possible. And you've given me another option! I suspect there are many here who have been healing childhood (& adult) wounds.
Yes Karen I am one of those people healing many wounds and I find writing, gratitude journaling, being out in nature or sitting quietly with my emotions breathing into them helps. And just being aware of something is most empowering because now you are aware of what you uncovered is your opportunity to change it, shift it intentionally. For too many years I beat myself up over things (still do at times), shamed, guilted, or ruminated and that did me no good. Have you read the book "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am just starting it as my hors d'oeuvre.
Nice to hear from you, Mary. Awareness has been one of my biggest challenges., still is. But I also think that I wasn't always oblivious, I believe my issues were revealed to me one at a time so that I wasn't overwhelmed.
No, I haven't read "Big Magic" but I will add it to my list. Thanks for the suggestion.
I want to stay true to myself as I feel I am doing now. I want to work to create enough financial stability so that I can have time to look around and wonder at nature and at birds flying overhead and not have to rush everywhere trying to make money and time stretch. I want to keep helping people and connecting with others and fighting the patriarchy with my thoughts, words and deeds. And I want to keep reading and learning how to heal my nervous system and live a life of calm and connection with others. I hope I will still be able to enjoy moving my body. Thanks for the lovely inspiration Susan.
I changed my life about 7 years ago. It wasn't my grandfather who inspired me. One of them was a drunkard I had only met twice in my life. The other was a wheel maker that worked as a coffin maker during WWII, after guarding the Swiss border as a young soldier by standing in the river of Rhein. This and his smoking damaged the veins in his legs. He died when I was 16.
I had to become seriously ill with cancer before I found the courage to leave IT, after a period of 16 years starting when the dot.com bubble burst, during which I hated my job. It was my pastor who asked me to stay as I was a major source of finances that way. The same pastor told me that as soon as the church could afford it, I would get a job as a pastor as well.
Cancer and a lung embolism, slow and fast potential death, finally had me change. Since then, I have coached people as a developmental coach while getting healthy again. I also wrote a book. And yes, this is what I want to be doing when I am 94–or 750. I had a vivid dream of my 750th birthday, and it included coaching in the midst of my books. Now, I just need more people I can coach.
I am an introvert. And I am involved in a community of people all about introversion and church. The churches I experienced for 34 years were heavily extraverted to the point that introversion was called "old nature", "anti-christ", "backslid at least", and had to be overcome.
Thus, while the name "church of quiet" at first is a bit of a trigger, it also triggers hope. I long for a church of quiet, independent of religion, but full of awe, peace, and love.
Thank you. Yes, I am pronounced almost cancer free (systemic cancer at low levels) and my energy is back. This is why I want to dive deep into coaching now. I feel that I have so much to give.
Your book Quiet was an enormous help in my transition. It started a journey for me to reflect on my personality. MBTI, Enneagram, CliftonStrengths and Spiral Dynamics followed, a diagnosis of autism, and a deconstruction of my faith.
As someone who has deconstructed faith, and has an uneasy relationship with "the church" I can't recommend Philip Yancey enough. We returned to attending church as spiritual practice this fall, and on Christmas Eve morning someone else shared Yancey as someone whose writing was healing in a place of great pain.
I am entranced by being part of ham-del and the church of quiet, as I seek to find not only peace, but perhaps joy, as I move through the middle years of my life.
I was so delighted you used the word "ham-del" because when Non-Persians use Persian words in a respectful manner, i respect them, too. One of my grandpas died a few years ago and although i was a BA student at that time, not being able to see him anymore saddened me a lot. I remember when my mom told me he'd died, my first reaction was: "what ???? It's unbelievable. He was fine when we last saw him." Anyway, we returned to Shiraz (my hometown) for his funeral and i tried to drown myself in my university subjects in order to suppress my grief (i hadn't learned how to grieve for losing sb i loved. The only thing i had learned was to run away from these things).
Back to your question,
First, i usually try not to think about what i wanna be doing when i'm older (i'm 32 now) because thinking like this thrusts me into overplanner mode and i hate my overplanner version (if i get into the overplanner mode, i either become an extremely bitchy dictator or a nervous wreck who's afraid of failing).
Second, my only goals for 2024 and the future are: 1. To live my life without regrets and 2. To make a lasting impact on my family members' and friends' lives so that they have a good memory of me when i die (to quote from one of the Persian literary masterpieces: "one should leave a good memory of their existence in people's minds rather than a house full of riches (by riches i mean luxurious items)).
This quote is from Sa'di. When i was 2, i went to live in Moscow with my parents and stayed there for 6 years. When i returned to my homeland Iran, it was as if i had fallen from heaven to hell. In order to hide my real thoughts and feelings i tried to put on the mask of a good and studious girl and continued this till i finished university. As a result of this, suppressing or running away from my thoughts and emotions had become my coping mechanism. If it wasn't for months of going to weekly therapy sessions, i wouldn't have achieved this self-awareness.
"one should leave a good memory of their existence in people's minds rather than a house full of riches” Yes. By 94 I hope I have left some good memories in this world
When i'm optimistic and my usual self, i try to learn from my mistakes and just view them as mistakes without blaming myself for making them. But when i'm not my usual self, it becomes hard for me not to give in to negative thoughts. I acknowledge that there's a very long way ahead of me to reach that goal, so i pray to the higher power i believe in to give me strenght to continue my journey till i reach that goal.
Dec 9, 2023·edited Dec 10, 2023Liked by Susan Cain
What a wonderful story to share Susan. I am 73 (soon to be 74). Thinking about being 94 is not in my purview at this moment. After surviving brain cancer (2013) a shift happened for me. Not unusual when something that traumatic happens. I have been an artist all of life. But the cancer changed me in that I knew my art would be a healing modality for me. I refused chemo and was given 2 months to live. I could only draw for the first 6 months. Then I started painting again and have continued to do every day. It is my Quiet, Calm and meditation. My studio is my safe and healing place. Music playing while I paint. It stirs the emotions I crave when painting. That was the change I made and I want to keep following that path, day by day, to see where it leads me. I am a better artist. All the pain from losing my 2 daughters, surviving an abusive relationship is lost when I paint. Creating something that brings me Joy as well. The church of quiet is perfect.
Hi Alisann, your story makes me cry - and at the same time: Wow, what your write is encouraging at the ame time. Whatever happens, we should look out for a place that can give us quiet and comfort. And creating something is so energizing, isn't it? Keep shining, you already made us shine with your words!
Christiane-you are so right. Along with the bumps in the road, I have also been very blessed. Creating IS energizing and also feeds the SOUL. Thank you for your kind words.
Alisann, I so respect and understand the path of choosing your art as a healing modality. I am also in my 70's and through all the losses of people I loved, I always turned to my favorite artistic outlets of dance, music and inspirational spiritual writers for healing. For me also, that path always brought me healing from grief and an expanding sense of quiet calm. Simultaneously, I was also blessed with a return to feelings of joy and later to wonder and a return to a wonderful feeling of aliveness and focus on daily moments of gratitude. I'm so glad you joined this church of quiet.
I too survived an abusive marriage and one of my adult children has been off and on cutting me off since my separation & divorce 2 years ago. I am wondering if your loss involved some type of estrangement or death? I am going to start trying to return to writing projects I put down in past and hope that it will be healing like your painting. I wish you the best on your physical and emotional health.
choices. Even some of the grandchildren are adults now. I try to keep in touch, but they have their own feelings and decisions to make. It is so hard tho to see people not talking to one another. Much of my childhood was spent in the presence of people who didn't talk to each other I hated that..
Lovely story about your grandfather. I feel like I met him for a moment.
I'm lucky to have retired three years ago and to finally, as I call it, come home to myself and to whom I was meant to be all along. Now I love to write and to paint. And to simply be quiet and be. And to have a lot of solitude, and company when I want it. I want to keep doing this, deepen it all. Maybe write a book. I want to fully inhabit this body and this life while I'm still here on this earth.... And to express what's inside of me in hopes that it may touch others who can relate. I want to validate the power of quiet, the power of kindness, the power of quiet strength that does not need to yell to be heard. And the power of quiet, still, deep connection. Both to ourselves.... And to those who understand and speak our language.
This, I believe, can be a church of quiet for at least some. As the redwoods are a cathedral to me.
funny you say that about the redwoods. My husband and I are always talking about where to go when our kids go to college and I've often mentioned the redwoods as a destination.
They are truly sacred and majestic. It really is my cathedral. I have referred to the sound of the wind rustling through the leaves as the sound of God whispering. When I touch the trees, I can feel their spirit. It comforts me.
Hi Jo. I related to every word you so beautifully chose. It all touched me deeply. For me, your writing has a deep, delicate, graceful and flowing quality which reminds me of balletic movement. I wouldn't be surprised if your painting might evoke that same feeling. I'm so glad you have chosen to join this group of quiet kindred spirits! I can't wait to visit the redwoods next year.
Lilla, what a gift you have given me today with your beautiful and kind response. Thank you so much! (I'm excited for you to visit the redwoods as well.)
Trees really are my favorite part of nature and especially since I saw the documentary, "The Hidden Life of Trees", based on the bestselling book. When I touch them on my walks, I too can feel their spirit. Have you seen this doc? Scientists have proven that they are incredible sentient beings who know how to live in community, feel pain, communicate with each other and warn each other of impending danger. They communicate via the fungi on their roots underground. Nature and animals have so much to teach us on how to live and be in community.
Yes, they really are sacred beings. Wow. You are so blessed as you must live in or near them! How wonderful to have such an incredible, dependable source of comfort, strength and soothing on a walk outside your door! I am truly happy for you.
I bought this book and have read about the writer and others working on understanding trees. thinking about writing about it and then someone wrote Hope with multiple stories called Overstiry which was nice. I still want to write a short story where the communication between trees suddenly allows trees to defend themselves against humans.
Why do we need these wake-up calls to really question what makes us happy?
My ocean liner started to turn when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, almost eight years ago. For fifteen years I worked with environment policies, which gave me purpose, but when I asked myself if I wanted to do that until the end of my life, the answer was evident, and I turned to writing.
Writing is my happy place, but I was always too self-conscious to share what I wrote, and started working as a ghost writer.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with bone mets from my breast cancer. My final destination became clearer, and since the diagnosis, I haven’t stopped asking the question: what do I want to do with the time I have left?
I’m still working on answering it, but the strongest feeling is that it doesn’t matter what I do - life will go on without me. It feels like whatever I do is the right thing. One of the results of this weight lifting was that I started sharing my writing (a publication called Expiration Date, here on Substack).
Thank you so much for sharing your story and inviting us to think about these things.
I'll pray for you. God bless. Your words are inspiring I don't know if i could be that way. I,too, survived breast cancer 7 yrs. ago. No sign of more ; I know how incredibly lucky I am. Health makes it to my Gratitude Journal a lot.
So grateful to have read this today, for your sharing the beautiful life of your grandfather. It's a fascinating way to think--if we would still be doing the same thing at 94. I had to leave a job that I thought had been my dream, in museum curation, right before the pandemic, due to an incredibly toxic work environment that was affecting my physical and mental health in ways I never realized until I could get space away from it. And the first thing I did was write--I had gone back to get an MFA in poetry when my son was young and I was working in a job that I had chosen--archaeology--but that was slowly extinguishing any fire I originally had. But writing was always something for another time, which was squeezed out of my life. I haven't stopped writing since and I know in my bones I will still be doing that at 94. I only hope I can find a way to sustain myself financially so that I can continue to write, fight the patriarchy, recover the names and works of hidden women writers I often write about, and not have to return to a life of cosplay in the work world.
I love the idea of a church of quiet--I think we have been soul-longing for spaces where we can explore mystery, rather than having to live in a world that wants to ignore it, or worse, crush that interest.
Thank you for your work--it has meant so much to know that introversion is actually a power, despite a world that insists too often on noise and action. Here is to seeking ways to live life in a different key. 💜
Your grandfather sounds so wonderful. Blessed are the givers of that magical gift of stories, that other language that speaks beyond words and ends up deep in our bones, propelling us unconsciously in all the most interesting and imaginative directions in life where logic sometimes can't take us.
As for what I want to be doing aged 94, it's absolutely this that I'm doing right now, and hopefully a lot more. Around a decade back, when I was working hard but unsuccessfully (and, to be honest, cluelessly) as a travel writer, but just starting to deal with the challenges of a parent with dementia and feeling my enthusiasm and curiosity shrivel and turn to hopeless bitterness, I really thought I'd missed my shot at being the writer I wanted to be. I thought I'd soon have nothing in the tank. I was half-right: dealing with the whole process, which ended with me selling the family home, completely emptied me. But emptied things can be refilled, if you give yourself enough time (and enough quiet) to rethink and rethink until you can hear yourself again. Now, aged 52, I have a newsletter that's a brilliant excuse to read fascinating books and science articles for a living, and if I get to do *that* for another forty years, oh wow, PINCH ME. (Especially considering I've had a few health issues this year that have given me pause and made me aware that I could be doing a better job of looking after myself.)
But also, I'd hopefully use the time to go much deeper, helping other people rediscover their curiosity and helping them to see the raw life-improving possibility in uncertainty, not just the things we all dread within it. So I while I'm really enjoying where my ocean liner is going, it'd be nice to work as part of a fleet?
Your story is so inspirational - and I know the "pinch me" feeling so well. I still have it, every single day since becoming a writer, which means every day for 20 years now.
We have to figure out a way to share stories like yours, of people fulfilling their dreams even later in life. Just heard from a reader who became a published poet, at 70!
And - I think the other thing about looking ahead like this is - aged 94, we should be able to do the most amazing things, based on the information technologies and medical breakthroughs that are bringing the future racing ever-faster towards us right now. I wish my parents could have reached their 90s a few decades from now - especially my dad, who was a writer and story-lover who was just too early to have his passion for words unlocked by the Internet, as mine was. Again with the "embracing, not dreading, uncertainty" thing, but - even with so many challenges in the world, surely there is also so much to look forward to, if we're given the time to see it...
Mike, please do take care of yourself because I hope I'm still reading your stories when I'm 94! I just wrote above about how "another writer" helped me see what I was already doing with my newsletter and that writer was you - so how delightful to find your comment when I scrolled down. I am already one of those people you are inspiring and maybe I can be a little sailboat in your fleet.
Also: WELCOME TO THE FLEET, ADMIRAL DAVIS. I stand by what I said, and it is fascinating to see how many other newsletter writers subscribe to you for exactly that calming vibe.
I was struck by the phrase "until you can hear yourself." Maybe I haven't been listening .Depression and back pain got all the attention in the last year. Hope to start over. I found that when the depression lifted, I began to notice thangs, always there, but not seen till this week. Bless this process, fellow church-goers.
Hello everyone, this is new for me. It’s a bit intimidating as I’m not a writer. I found you randomly on Substack because it’s where I read most of my news from independent journalists. I’m 65 and retired from a 35 year career in television media sales run by huge corporations, lobbyists, and fat cat capitalists whose only goal is winning. So, having turned my ship onto my own path since retiring I have sought quiet in my life and feel that I have found it in this ham-del.
At 94 I absolutely will be reading independent journalists and journaling as I do now for survival of my heart since the death of my middle son at age 16. My grandmother lived 100 years, many of them hard, and she lived with us so I reaped the benefits of her stories. I believe finding Quite Life is her doing, she always had a way of showing me the answers I didn’t know I was looking for. I hope the answers are within this ham-del.
I hope you use other terminology than “church”. I loved the connections you described, but was turned off by the use of “church”. For those of us who have had negative experiences with the conglomerate of Christian churches and congregations, those words carry lots of baggage.
Using new phrases. such as “ham-del” or “of the same heart” do not carry baggage, and thus are kinder descriptions.
Thank you for sharing a beautiful story of relationship, of love, of becoming, and of beauty. I consider this gathering of "same hearts" to be a sacred space to share love - love of listening, noticing, being, and becoming. Grateful to be a heart in this space. Blessings.
I agree with you... I am not looking for a congregation but rather a community of like-minded people, where we can be ourselves and come and go with no expectations placed on us. 🎵
As someone in recovery from the church, I feel the opposite to you and Ruth Whitmore above. To congregate together can make us a congregation of souls. Community is more difficult for me, because of the churches of my past saying we were one, when we really really weren't, and I so wanted to be. Just thinking about the power of words; amazing how loaded they are with meaning. Perhaps that's why ham-del feels so good to someone who has no knowledge of the Persian language. No baggage attached!
It’s interesting how this particular choice of words has elicited such strong responses and how words like “church”, “congregation” and “community” carry different connotations and meanings way beyond semantics.
What’s neutral for one person may be positive for another - just one of the many challenges that come with transplanting traditional concepts of gathering into the digital realm.
Dear Susan,
I’m swooning over your beloved grandfather and what he means to you. Thank you for your eloquence and for sharing him with us.
It’s early days, but I will say that this quiet place feels similar to hiking in the wilderness. It feels like church and also like coming home. So, I like the word congregation. I think your grandfather would, too.
All my life, I’ve been a voracious reader and a writer who doesn’t write. I’ve been what author and teacher Julia Cameron calls a “shadow artist”— disconnected from my creativity while admiring other writers and secretly wishing I could do what they do.
I’m 64 now and finally decided to change that nonsense this year. I started publicly sharing my essays and curated content in my free newsletter, How She Thrives, aimed at women in the second half of life. Putting myself out there as a novice writer is daunting, but I am determined to persevere, learn, and grow.
Thirty years from now, when I’m 94, I hope to still be honing my craft. There might even be a body of work making a difference in the world. Wouldn’t that be something? :)
I’m so glad to be here. ❤️
YAY PLEASE KEEP GOING!
And I keep hearing from people who are starting or have started their creative lives later in life - one of them published his first book of poetry at 70!
I'll try to find a way to share these stories...
In the meantime, yes keep going!
Thanks Susan, I will. “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”― Maya Angelou
I love Maya Angelou. And another one of her quotes: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I get the 'feels' when I read stories, poems, listen to music etc. Yes Linda, make people feel.
Thank you, Mary. I'll try.
Linda, we are of the same vintage . Where can I find your newsletter?!
Thanks Judy, you'd be most welcome. 😊 You can sign up here: https://howshethrives.com
Hello Linda, thanks for sharing this. From the third paragraph, I thought I had written your response. I am also 64, a writer who doesn't write. I also hope to be honing my craft at 94 and sharing my voice in a way that lightens the way for me and others.
Hello, kindred spirit. Vincent van Gogh apparently said, “If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” Simply begin. And then write, Kelley, write. ❤️
Would you please share the link to your newsletter, How She Thrives? I am more than in the second half of my life and so need the inspiration that I hope your newsletter may provide. Rhonda.seegers@gmail.com
Hi Rhonda, thanks for your interest and you'd be most welcome. Here you go: howshethrives.com
Thanks so much, Craig. I wish you well also. Keep going. 😊
I recently called my 101 year old aunt in Texas.....still doing well and I realized how rich it’d be to fly and see her and hear stories about her life, including my father who died at 57. She sends real cards to me, and talks from a landline. I asked her if she texts. “No” she said. So we talk, and send cards.
I hope you go.
I hope you get to fly out and see her. She sounds like a treasure.
During COVID lockdowns I exchanged emails with an 86 yo cousin I’d discovered through genealogy. She lives in Helsinki Finland (I live in Arizona) and, through our emails, I learned about her amazing life. She sent packages of books and her own history too. As soon as COVID travel restrictions lifted, I flew to Finland to meet her in person and wow, we talked for hours and hours and hours. It was so precious! I want to write about her life but I don’t know where to begin. She’s quite happy about my doing it—she just turned 89–but I don’t know where to begin.
Maybe audio record or video it? Then later you can extract and write the stories that are most important. Good luck.
Valerie...not trying to sound simplistic, but begin at the beginning or middle or present. I realize writing can be a lot of hard work (I am trying to write starting with poetry and I feel so vulnerable esp. at my age), yet perhaps pick a favorite story she told you and go from there. Best of luck to you! I love hearing other people's stories of lives richly led. How exciting.
I love the Church of Quiet - the only thing we listen to is the Great Spirit, the Holy Spirit, the Tao, Jesus, our Creator, the Great I Am. When we are quiet that is the only sound. The sound of Love, of Peace, of connection without words. My ocean liner of being a long time career veterinarian is also shifting to writing. While going through chemo I am tapping into the Spirit like never before. I have no choice but to this cancer is rough but the Voice in the Church of Quiet is perfectly smooth as it settle on my parched and twisted and withering strength. The inner strength I get from you, my Ham-dels.
For you, Annabelle, a virtual hug and a purple heart for courage: 🤗 💜
I'm embraced Taoism as my spiritual guide. May you find strength from this community, and the Universe, to regain full health and vitality for 2024 and beyond! Rooting for you!
Dear Annabelle, 🙏🏻 for your recovery. 💟✝️
If you are open to receiving a supportive bit of snail mail, Annabelle, please email me at Judy.billports@gmail.com 💌
Wonderful story. I hope to spend time sitting beside trees and a river with a cup of coffee, alternating between daydreaming, reading and watching the sky. And remembering that it's possible to overcome childhood pain and create a peaceful life filled with magic.
Thank you, Karen. And, can you do that right this minute? Or some time this weekend? (ie assemble cup of coffee, book, and head into the nearest nature you can find)?
(And - I'm sorry re the childhood pain. Whether it ever goes away fully, I don't know, but maybe you can think of the goal as simply turning in the direction of peace and magic?)
Thanks, Susan. I’m experiencing my private paradise either physically or virtually as often as possible. And you've given me another option! I suspect there are many here who have been healing childhood (& adult) wounds.
Yes Karen I am one of those people healing many wounds and I find writing, gratitude journaling, being out in nature or sitting quietly with my emotions breathing into them helps. And just being aware of something is most empowering because now you are aware of what you uncovered is your opportunity to change it, shift it intentionally. For too many years I beat myself up over things (still do at times), shamed, guilted, or ruminated and that did me no good. Have you read the book "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am just starting it as my hors d'oeuvre.
Nice to hear from you, Mary. Awareness has been one of my biggest challenges., still is. But I also think that I wasn't always oblivious, I believe my issues were revealed to me one at a time so that I wasn't overwhelmed.
No, I haven't read "Big Magic" but I will add it to my list. Thanks for the suggestion.
Beautiful. Deeply resonate with your message, especially about creating a peaceful life filled with magic. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! I hope this happens for you.
I want to stay true to myself as I feel I am doing now. I want to work to create enough financial stability so that I can have time to look around and wonder at nature and at birds flying overhead and not have to rush everywhere trying to make money and time stretch. I want to keep helping people and connecting with others and fighting the patriarchy with my thoughts, words and deeds. And I want to keep reading and learning how to heal my nervous system and live a life of calm and connection with others. I hope I will still be able to enjoy moving my body. Thanks for the lovely inspiration Susan.
Well said. :-)
I changed my life about 7 years ago. It wasn't my grandfather who inspired me. One of them was a drunkard I had only met twice in my life. The other was a wheel maker that worked as a coffin maker during WWII, after guarding the Swiss border as a young soldier by standing in the river of Rhein. This and his smoking damaged the veins in his legs. He died when I was 16.
I had to become seriously ill with cancer before I found the courage to leave IT, after a period of 16 years starting when the dot.com bubble burst, during which I hated my job. It was my pastor who asked me to stay as I was a major source of finances that way. The same pastor told me that as soon as the church could afford it, I would get a job as a pastor as well.
Cancer and a lung embolism, slow and fast potential death, finally had me change. Since then, I have coached people as a developmental coach while getting healthy again. I also wrote a book. And yes, this is what I want to be doing when I am 94–or 750. I had a vivid dream of my 750th birthday, and it included coaching in the midst of my books. Now, I just need more people I can coach.
I am an introvert. And I am involved in a community of people all about introversion and church. The churches I experienced for 34 years were heavily extraverted to the point that introversion was called "old nature", "anti-christ", "backslid at least", and had to be overcome.
Thus, while the name "church of quiet" at first is a bit of a trigger, it also triggers hope. I long for a church of quiet, independent of religion, but full of awe, peace, and love.
what an amazing note and life story - thank you for sharing this, Ralph.
And I hope you are reasonably healthy now!
Hi Susan
Thank you. Yes, I am pronounced almost cancer free (systemic cancer at low levels) and my energy is back. This is why I want to dive deep into coaching now. I feel that I have so much to give.
Your book Quiet was an enormous help in my transition. It started a journey for me to reflect on my personality. MBTI, Enneagram, CliftonStrengths and Spiral Dynamics followed, a diagnosis of autism, and a deconstruction of my faith.
Thank you for your work.
As someone who has deconstructed faith, and has an uneasy relationship with "the church" I can't recommend Philip Yancey enough. We returned to attending church as spiritual practice this fall, and on Christmas Eve morning someone else shared Yancey as someone whose writing was healing in a place of great pain.
I am entranced by being part of ham-del and the church of quiet, as I seek to find not only peace, but perhaps joy, as I move through the middle years of my life.
I was so delighted you used the word "ham-del" because when Non-Persians use Persian words in a respectful manner, i respect them, too. One of my grandpas died a few years ago and although i was a BA student at that time, not being able to see him anymore saddened me a lot. I remember when my mom told me he'd died, my first reaction was: "what ???? It's unbelievable. He was fine when we last saw him." Anyway, we returned to Shiraz (my hometown) for his funeral and i tried to drown myself in my university subjects in order to suppress my grief (i hadn't learned how to grieve for losing sb i loved. The only thing i had learned was to run away from these things).
Back to your question,
First, i usually try not to think about what i wanna be doing when i'm older (i'm 32 now) because thinking like this thrusts me into overplanner mode and i hate my overplanner version (if i get into the overplanner mode, i either become an extremely bitchy dictator or a nervous wreck who's afraid of failing).
Second, my only goals for 2024 and the future are: 1. To live my life without regrets and 2. To make a lasting impact on my family members' and friends' lives so that they have a good memory of me when i die (to quote from one of the Persian literary masterpieces: "one should leave a good memory of their existence in people's minds rather than a house full of riches (by riches i mean luxurious items)).
That is such a lovely quote, Negar! Which masterpiece is it from?
(And - you sound so self-aware! ie knowing when you're in danger of going into over planner mode, and its consequences for you.)
This quote is from Sa'di. When i was 2, i went to live in Moscow with my parents and stayed there for 6 years. When i returned to my homeland Iran, it was as if i had fallen from heaven to hell. In order to hide my real thoughts and feelings i tried to put on the mask of a good and studious girl and continued this till i finished university. As a result of this, suppressing or running away from my thoughts and emotions had become my coping mechanism. If it wasn't for months of going to weekly therapy sessions, i wouldn't have achieved this self-awareness.
"one should leave a good memory of their existence in people's minds rather than a house full of riches” Yes. By 94 I hope I have left some good memories in this world
I hope the same for myself.
I want to leave a good memory of existence too! A beautiful quote!
Thank you for sharing your opinion.
When i'm optimistic and my usual self, i try to learn from my mistakes and just view them as mistakes without blaming myself for making them. But when i'm not my usual self, it becomes hard for me not to give in to negative thoughts. I acknowledge that there's a very long way ahead of me to reach that goal, so i pray to the higher power i believe in to give me strenght to continue my journey till i reach that goal.
What a wonderful story to share Susan. I am 73 (soon to be 74). Thinking about being 94 is not in my purview at this moment. After surviving brain cancer (2013) a shift happened for me. Not unusual when something that traumatic happens. I have been an artist all of life. But the cancer changed me in that I knew my art would be a healing modality for me. I refused chemo and was given 2 months to live. I could only draw for the first 6 months. Then I started painting again and have continued to do every day. It is my Quiet, Calm and meditation. My studio is my safe and healing place. Music playing while I paint. It stirs the emotions I crave when painting. That was the change I made and I want to keep following that path, day by day, to see where it leads me. I am a better artist. All the pain from losing my 2 daughters, surviving an abusive relationship is lost when I paint. Creating something that brings me Joy as well. The church of quiet is perfect.
I'm so sorry for your struggles - and, what an inspirational story, at the same time!!
That is why Bittersweet resonated with me so deeply. Thank you for writing that book Susan.
Hi Alisann, your story makes me cry - and at the same time: Wow, what your write is encouraging at the ame time. Whatever happens, we should look out for a place that can give us quiet and comfort. And creating something is so energizing, isn't it? Keep shining, you already made us shine with your words!
Christiane-you are so right. Along with the bumps in the road, I have also been very blessed. Creating IS energizing and also feeds the SOUL. Thank you for your kind words.
Alisann, I so respect and understand the path of choosing your art as a healing modality. I am also in my 70's and through all the losses of people I loved, I always turned to my favorite artistic outlets of dance, music and inspirational spiritual writers for healing. For me also, that path always brought me healing from grief and an expanding sense of quiet calm. Simultaneously, I was also blessed with a return to feelings of joy and later to wonder and a return to a wonderful feeling of aliveness and focus on daily moments of gratitude. I'm so glad you joined this church of quiet.
I too survived an abusive marriage and one of my adult children has been off and on cutting me off since my separation & divorce 2 years ago. I am wondering if your loss involved some type of estrangement or death? I am going to start trying to return to writing projects I put down in past and hope that it will be healing like your painting. I wish you the best on your physical and emotional health.
choices. Even some of the grandchildren are adults now. I try to keep in touch, but they have their own feelings and decisions to make. It is so hard tho to see people not talking to one another. Much of my childhood was spent in the presence of people who didn't talk to each other I hated that..
Lovely story about your grandfather. I feel like I met him for a moment.
I'm lucky to have retired three years ago and to finally, as I call it, come home to myself and to whom I was meant to be all along. Now I love to write and to paint. And to simply be quiet and be. And to have a lot of solitude, and company when I want it. I want to keep doing this, deepen it all. Maybe write a book. I want to fully inhabit this body and this life while I'm still here on this earth.... And to express what's inside of me in hopes that it may touch others who can relate. I want to validate the power of quiet, the power of kindness, the power of quiet strength that does not need to yell to be heard. And the power of quiet, still, deep connection. Both to ourselves.... And to those who understand and speak our language.
This, I believe, can be a church of quiet for at least some. As the redwoods are a cathedral to me.
funny you say that about the redwoods. My husband and I are always talking about where to go when our kids go to college and I've often mentioned the redwoods as a destination.
They are truly sacred and majestic. It really is my cathedral. I have referred to the sound of the wind rustling through the leaves as the sound of God whispering. When I touch the trees, I can feel their spirit. It comforts me.
Exactly!! Wind in the trees is my all time favorite sound. And trees themselves my favorite aspect of nature. For all reasons you say.
I think that’s my favorite too. With a close second thing the sound of a storm went out safe and inside.
Hi Jo. I related to every word you so beautifully chose. It all touched me deeply. For me, your writing has a deep, delicate, graceful and flowing quality which reminds me of balletic movement. I wouldn't be surprised if your painting might evoke that same feeling. I'm so glad you have chosen to join this group of quiet kindred spirits! I can't wait to visit the redwoods next year.
Lilla, what a gift you have given me today with your beautiful and kind response. Thank you so much! (I'm excited for you to visit the redwoods as well.)
Trees really are my favorite part of nature and especially since I saw the documentary, "The Hidden Life of Trees", based on the bestselling book. When I touch them on my walks, I too can feel their spirit. Have you seen this doc? Scientists have proven that they are incredible sentient beings who know how to live in community, feel pain, communicate with each other and warn each other of impending danger. They communicate via the fungi on their roots underground. Nature and animals have so much to teach us on how to live and be in community.
I agree. We can learn much from nature... plants and animals. I haven't seen that documentary... I'll need to look into it.
Trees really are sacred beings. I just went on a walk in the redwoods this morning...I needed some comfort and soothing... And I found it there.
Yes, they really are sacred beings. Wow. You are so blessed as you must live in or near them! How wonderful to have such an incredible, dependable source of comfort, strength and soothing on a walk outside your door! I am truly happy for you.
Thank you. I really am blessed. I actually have a Sequoia near my house that I talk to ask the time!
I bought this book and have read about the writer and others working on understanding trees. thinking about writing about it and then someone wrote Hope with multiple stories called Overstiry which was nice. I still want to write a short story where the communication between trees suddenly allows trees to defend themselves against humans.
Why do we need these wake-up calls to really question what makes us happy?
My ocean liner started to turn when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, almost eight years ago. For fifteen years I worked with environment policies, which gave me purpose, but when I asked myself if I wanted to do that until the end of my life, the answer was evident, and I turned to writing.
Writing is my happy place, but I was always too self-conscious to share what I wrote, and started working as a ghost writer.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with bone mets from my breast cancer. My final destination became clearer, and since the diagnosis, I haven’t stopped asking the question: what do I want to do with the time I have left?
I’m still working on answering it, but the strongest feeling is that it doesn’t matter what I do - life will go on without me. It feels like whatever I do is the right thing. One of the results of this weight lifting was that I started sharing my writing (a publication called Expiration Date, here on Substack).
Thank you so much for sharing your story and inviting us to think about these things.
"Whatever I do is the right thing" - I think that only about 1% of us have reached this state!
Wishing you so well.
Thank you so much! I’m learning that it is a very powerful feeling
Thank you Sara V for sharing your experience and your insights. Your comment inspired and touched me greatly. will look at your writing now.
Thank you for this!
I'll pray for you. God bless. Your words are inspiring I don't know if i could be that way. I,too, survived breast cancer 7 yrs. ago. No sign of more ; I know how incredibly lucky I am. Health makes it to my Gratitude Journal a lot.
I'm glad you are well now, thank you for your thoughts.
As for being one way or another... how much do you want your ocean liner to turn? Where would it be headed?
So grateful to have read this today, for your sharing the beautiful life of your grandfather. It's a fascinating way to think--if we would still be doing the same thing at 94. I had to leave a job that I thought had been my dream, in museum curation, right before the pandemic, due to an incredibly toxic work environment that was affecting my physical and mental health in ways I never realized until I could get space away from it. And the first thing I did was write--I had gone back to get an MFA in poetry when my son was young and I was working in a job that I had chosen--archaeology--but that was slowly extinguishing any fire I originally had. But writing was always something for another time, which was squeezed out of my life. I haven't stopped writing since and I know in my bones I will still be doing that at 94. I only hope I can find a way to sustain myself financially so that I can continue to write, fight the patriarchy, recover the names and works of hidden women writers I often write about, and not have to return to a life of cosplay in the work world.
I love the idea of a church of quiet--I think we have been soul-longing for spaces where we can explore mystery, rather than having to live in a world that wants to ignore it, or worse, crush that interest.
Thank you for your work--it has meant so much to know that introversion is actually a power, despite a world that insists too often on noise and action. Here is to seeking ways to live life in a different key. 💜
Please keep writing, Freya!
Your grandfather sounds so wonderful. Blessed are the givers of that magical gift of stories, that other language that speaks beyond words and ends up deep in our bones, propelling us unconsciously in all the most interesting and imaginative directions in life where logic sometimes can't take us.
As for what I want to be doing aged 94, it's absolutely this that I'm doing right now, and hopefully a lot more. Around a decade back, when I was working hard but unsuccessfully (and, to be honest, cluelessly) as a travel writer, but just starting to deal with the challenges of a parent with dementia and feeling my enthusiasm and curiosity shrivel and turn to hopeless bitterness, I really thought I'd missed my shot at being the writer I wanted to be. I thought I'd soon have nothing in the tank. I was half-right: dealing with the whole process, which ended with me selling the family home, completely emptied me. But emptied things can be refilled, if you give yourself enough time (and enough quiet) to rethink and rethink until you can hear yourself again. Now, aged 52, I have a newsletter that's a brilliant excuse to read fascinating books and science articles for a living, and if I get to do *that* for another forty years, oh wow, PINCH ME. (Especially considering I've had a few health issues this year that have given me pause and made me aware that I could be doing a better job of looking after myself.)
But also, I'd hopefully use the time to go much deeper, helping other people rediscover their curiosity and helping them to see the raw life-improving possibility in uncertainty, not just the things we all dread within it. So I while I'm really enjoying where my ocean liner is going, it'd be nice to work as part of a fleet?
Your story is so inspirational - and I know the "pinch me" feeling so well. I still have it, every single day since becoming a writer, which means every day for 20 years now.
We have to figure out a way to share stories like yours, of people fulfilling their dreams even later in life. Just heard from a reader who became a published poet, at 70!
and here's to you finding your fleet ;)
Thank you. :) That's so kind of you to say!
And - I think the other thing about looking ahead like this is - aged 94, we should be able to do the most amazing things, based on the information technologies and medical breakthroughs that are bringing the future racing ever-faster towards us right now. I wish my parents could have reached their 90s a few decades from now - especially my dad, who was a writer and story-lover who was just too early to have his passion for words unlocked by the Internet, as mine was. Again with the "embracing, not dreading, uncertainty" thing, but - even with so many challenges in the world, surely there is also so much to look forward to, if we're given the time to see it...
Mike, please do take care of yourself because I hope I'm still reading your stories when I'm 94! I just wrote above about how "another writer" helped me see what I was already doing with my newsletter and that writer was you - so how delightful to find your comment when I scrolled down. I am already one of those people you are inspiring and maybe I can be a little sailboat in your fleet.
❤️Aw. Thank you, that is the nicest, Karen.
Also: WELCOME TO THE FLEET, ADMIRAL DAVIS. I stand by what I said, and it is fascinating to see how many other newsletter writers subscribe to you for exactly that calming vibe.
Lol, careful, the power may go to my head! Thank you kindly.
I was struck by the phrase "until you can hear yourself." Maybe I haven't been listening .Depression and back pain got all the attention in the last year. Hope to start over. I found that when the depression lifted, I began to notice thangs, always there, but not seen till this week. Bless this process, fellow church-goers.
Hello everyone, this is new for me. It’s a bit intimidating as I’m not a writer. I found you randomly on Substack because it’s where I read most of my news from independent journalists. I’m 65 and retired from a 35 year career in television media sales run by huge corporations, lobbyists, and fat cat capitalists whose only goal is winning. So, having turned my ship onto my own path since retiring I have sought quiet in my life and feel that I have found it in this ham-del.
At 94 I absolutely will be reading independent journalists and journaling as I do now for survival of my heart since the death of my middle son at age 16. My grandmother lived 100 years, many of them hard, and she lived with us so I reaped the benefits of her stories. I believe finding Quite Life is her doing, she always had a way of showing me the answers I didn’t know I was looking for. I hope the answers are within this ham-del.
I'm so very sorry about the death of your son.
I hope you use other terminology than “church”. I loved the connections you described, but was turned off by the use of “church”. For those of us who have had negative experiences with the conglomerate of Christian churches and congregations, those words carry lots of baggage.
Using new phrases. such as “ham-del” or “of the same heart” do not carry baggage, and thus are kinder descriptions.
Thank you for your consideration.
Thank you for sharing a beautiful story of relationship, of love, of becoming, and of beauty. I consider this gathering of "same hearts" to be a sacred space to share love - love of listening, noticing, being, and becoming. Grateful to be a heart in this space. Blessings.
sacred gathering sounds wonderful to me!
Please don’t let it be called a congregation - (past religious trauma)
I think community sounds less dogmatic.
I have a picture of my Grandad (who is 94) and me when I was around the same age as you there on the picture you share here Susan.
Thank you for such a poetic tribute and as a writer myself I particularly loved the ocean liner metaphor.
Time for a walk by the lake now 😊
I agree with you... I am not looking for a congregation but rather a community of like-minded people, where we can be ourselves and come and go with no expectations placed on us. 🎵
As someone in recovery from the church, I feel the opposite to you and Ruth Whitmore above. To congregate together can make us a congregation of souls. Community is more difficult for me, because of the churches of my past saying we were one, when we really really weren't, and I so wanted to be. Just thinking about the power of words; amazing how loaded they are with meaning. Perhaps that's why ham-del feels so good to someone who has no knowledge of the Persian language. No baggage attached!
Hi Heather,
It’s interesting how this particular choice of words has elicited such strong responses and how words like “church”, “congregation” and “community” carry different connotations and meanings way beyond semantics.
What’s neutral for one person may be positive for another - just one of the many challenges that come with transplanting traditional concepts of gathering into the digital realm.