I have felt the tug of longing all my life--something out there I felt I needed and couldn't find. I deeply connect with the writing of C.S. Lewis, and the beautiful way that he draws me into myself, encouraging me to experience the quiet moments and the beautiful moments, to embrace my spirituality in my own way, having a personal relat…
I have felt the tug of longing all my life--something out there I felt I needed and couldn't find. I deeply connect with the writing of C.S. Lewis, and the beautiful way that he draws me into myself, encouraging me to experience the quiet moments and the beautiful moments, to embrace my spirituality in my own way, having a personal relationship with God. My Catholic upbringing was hard on me--I feared the priests, the nuns, the Church, and even God. I think what I most longed for was to be close to God, to embrace my spirituality without fear, but with love and with gratitude. It completely changed how I see the world, and now I feel more like my true self and am better able to see and appreciate the beauty around me.
As for the moment I felt complete and pure love? The moments my babies were placed in my arms after birth, including my first, who was stillborn. That was the deepest, most painful love I've ever felt. The pain of that loss was immense, and I know it was the longing for all that I would never experience with her, a longing to know her, but never would beyond what I knew of her for nearly 9 months.
Reading this, I could viscerally feel my own infinite Love for my beautiful living son and for his miscarried little sister--as well as the still-deep longing for her to know and be known by us both.
What a brutifully poignant example of pure love, Nancy. Thank you so very much for sharing.
My other deep longing has been for others to know my daughter existed and that she is a part of me. She is the first child who gave me the gift of becoming a mother. That pregnancy was the most blissful time of my life, and the three others that followed were filled with anxiety. Her name is Kali.
I have felt the tug of longing all my life--something out there I felt I needed and couldn't find. I deeply connect with the writing of C.S. Lewis, and the beautiful way that he draws me into myself, encouraging me to experience the quiet moments and the beautiful moments, to embrace my spirituality in my own way, having a personal relationship with God. My Catholic upbringing was hard on me--I feared the priests, the nuns, the Church, and even God. I think what I most longed for was to be close to God, to embrace my spirituality without fear, but with love and with gratitude. It completely changed how I see the world, and now I feel more like my true self and am better able to see and appreciate the beauty around me.
As for the moment I felt complete and pure love? The moments my babies were placed in my arms after birth, including my first, who was stillborn. That was the deepest, most painful love I've ever felt. The pain of that loss was immense, and I know it was the longing for all that I would never experience with her, a longing to know her, but never would beyond what I knew of her for nearly 9 months.
Reading this, I could viscerally feel my own infinite Love for my beautiful living son and for his miscarried little sister--as well as the still-deep longing for her to know and be known by us both.
What a brutifully poignant example of pure love, Nancy. Thank you so very much for sharing.
Grace, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always with us, they are always with us. Do you mind me asking, did you name your little angel?
thank you so much for sharing that, @Nancy Brown. All of it.
My other deep longing has been for others to know my daughter existed and that she is a part of me. She is the first child who gave me the gift of becoming a mother. That pregnancy was the most blissful time of my life, and the three others that followed were filled with anxiety. Her name is Kali.
what a beautiful name.