Seven Things My Father Taught Me
Lessons on love, work, and living a quiet life.
Recently, I shared the eulogy I wrote for my mother, and some thoughts on honoring one’s own temperament in grief and mourning.
As I mentioned in that post, every year, on my father’s yahrzeit (the anniversary of his death), I share these seven things he taught me by example. I’m actually a little late to do it this year; but, it’s never too late.
Here you go:
Do beautiful things, just for the sake of them. If you love orchids, build a greenhouse full of them in the basement. If you love the sound of French, learn to speak it fluently, even though you rarely have time to visit France. If you love organic chemistry, spend your Sundays reading “orgo” textbooks.
Find work you love and work that matters, and do it as excellently as you can.
Make a life where you’re as free as possible from the forces of dogma and bureaucracy.
If you want to live a quiet life, live a quiet life. If you’re a humble person who has no use for the spotlight, be a humble person who has no use for the spotlight. No big deal.
If you happen to be a doctor, take care of your patients – really take care of them. Study medical journals after dinner, train the next generation of physicians (my father kept teaching until age 81), spend the extra hour to visit the bedside of your patients in the hospital. (Here’s a letter from one of those patients, which we found after my father passed away. He never showed us these things while he was alive.)
If you’re a husband, take care of your wife, even when she has Alzheimer’s and can’t walk and asks you the same question again and again and again and again and again and again…
If you’re a parent, teach your children the things you love, like music and poetry, so that one day they’ll love them too. One of my earliest memories is asking my father to play the “chair record” (Beethoven’s “Emperor’s” concerto, whose name I was too young to pronounce) over and over again.
My father and I talked, just before he died of COVID. He was in the hospital, trying to breathe.
“Be well, kid,” he said, as he hung up the phone.
And I have been well. And so, I hope, will you.
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What are some of the most important things your parents or other elders taught you, or that you hope to teach other people?
I would love to know,
❤️Susan
A beautiful tribute for your father, and from what I’ve seen of you, his spirit lives in you. Love his advice about keeping your independence from orthodox thinking in particular! Funny the things we remember… some are profound, others are of affection. I recall one day when my brother and I were quite young, it was a hot Ohio Summer day and we got the bright idea of making our own swimming pool! We simply dug a big hole in the dirt and once it was filled we immersed ourselves in a pit… of mud! Covered head to toe in mud, you could only see the whites of our eyes and we got back to the house the same moment dad got home from work. We realized we had totally ruined our cloths, and worried more than a little what verdict we would receive from dad. He looked at us silently, and truly we were quite a sight! We awaited a verdict that hung inside his silence… for a few moments too long for comfort! And then? Then dad began to laugh! It was too much to hope for. My brother and I remained quiet, but dad’s laughter only grew, till my brother and I began to laugh ourselves! Dad went for the garden hose and began to spray us off, and it took awhile! Not the biggest thing I learned from dad, but in that moment I tasted the beauty of grace!
I too was fortunate enough to have a truly loving father. He passed away at the age of 94 in 2009. I think of him now and then with sweet sadness.
Thank you for reminding me of his sweetness.
Sheila