I lost my father 2.5 years ago to a rare cancer . I had persuaded him to move to Australia at age82 to live beside me as I m a physician and the only daughter that he loved incredibly and was so attached too. He left his home, family and son to be close to me. Few months later , painful symptoms started and because of the complexity of h…
I lost my father 2.5 years ago to a rare cancer . I had persuaded him to move to Australia at age82 to live beside me as I m a physician and the only daughter that he loved incredibly and was so attached too. He left his home, family and son to be close to me. Few months later , painful symptoms started and because of the complexity of his disease and the nature of his of his cancer( working diagnosis not definite one) , Not only I and a large medical team could not save him but also was not able to give home a timeline, prognosis and a certain diagnosis . He was a man of dignity and I saw that was disturbed . I witnessed his suffering and very painful passing ( thanks to palliative team it was less painful the last few days). My younger brother couldn’t say goodbye properly as covid did not let him visiting Australia. Less than a year from his arrival he died. Worse than loss I think was my husband reaction . He was so helpful all through his illness bur not supportive of me through my mourning and grieving. He believes it was too much . I was overdoing it.that I did not care enough about others and him to not affect them that terribly with my emotions. That I was acting non sensibly and selfishly . And worst Of all he was mad at me that I did not care about myself , my health my sanity . His attitude and reaction had a huge impact on in our relationship . He was disappointed of me and I became bitter and to be honest find hard to forgive him ad he made my grief more difficult, painful and complicated
Dear Homa, I am so so sorry you are going through such a thing. I hope you can take this day by day, breath by breath, and also to forgive yourself (I say this last part because, although you don't mention the word "guilt" in your comment, it seems as if you are feeling residual guilt for persuading your father to move close to you? I hope you will remember that all you're experiencing now is borne of great love....) Take care - Susan
Thank you so much dear Susan ( ham del, I am iranian/ Persian so I know exactly what it means). You are so smart and compassionate. Not that I did not know!! But Yes , so true. guilt is exactly has been my dominant emotion.
I am having therapy and hopefully I wont suffer this terribly. I appreciate your care
I wish I could join the candlelight gathering but timing is not right for me in Australia but cant wait to watch it later
Oh Homa! Grieving is SO complicated and painful for ourselves. I hope you have community + support besides your disappointed husband to surround you and support you during your grief and mourning. There are so many layers here! Extraordinary love and professional dedication with your medical team. Add in once in a lifetime pandemic into the mix!
I guess my outlook as a new, unwanted, member of this grief club (at my current stage and individual experience) is we’re human, we fail and we prevail (with hope and love). Best to try not to absorb judgmental criticism of our past actions from others or ourselves.
Grief from the outside can and will drive some people away. We’re not ourselves. We’re different & we’ll never be the same as before. The advice to take care of ourselves is easier said than done!
I’m glad you shared and your endeavor being amazing with your father. It’s an amazing and ongoing one.
Love to you + your dad Homa!
It’s hard not to be bitter (In my case cranky and irritated).
In my experience with early grief, I had “lead feet” and I couldn’t move…I couldn’t go out for that walk, go to the Farmers Market & when I finally did when I did it was way more emotional than I thought!
How do we handle less than supportive people during grief? We don’t even have the bandwidth to deal with “normal” situations!
Dear Peggy. I never felt so connected to a so called stranger! But as Susan call us “ ham - del someone which I totally understand as I am persian/ Iranian so as the word , I know you are a ham del . Your comment is so insightful and kind satire on my heart. Not only a soothing balm but a thought provoking .
I hope you can deal with your grief with grace and self compassion.
I’m honored by your reply and to know my words were so well received.
As we’re immersed in this unwelcome state of affairs, I feel like it’s important to figure out what grace is at this moment. I’m working on noticing when I’m beating myself up and working on reframing my punishing words with forgiveness and understanding. A process…
I lost my father 2.5 years ago to a rare cancer . I had persuaded him to move to Australia at age82 to live beside me as I m a physician and the only daughter that he loved incredibly and was so attached too. He left his home, family and son to be close to me. Few months later , painful symptoms started and because of the complexity of his disease and the nature of his of his cancer( working diagnosis not definite one) , Not only I and a large medical team could not save him but also was not able to give home a timeline, prognosis and a certain diagnosis . He was a man of dignity and I saw that was disturbed . I witnessed his suffering and very painful passing ( thanks to palliative team it was less painful the last few days). My younger brother couldn’t say goodbye properly as covid did not let him visiting Australia. Less than a year from his arrival he died. Worse than loss I think was my husband reaction . He was so helpful all through his illness bur not supportive of me through my mourning and grieving. He believes it was too much . I was overdoing it.that I did not care enough about others and him to not affect them that terribly with my emotions. That I was acting non sensibly and selfishly . And worst Of all he was mad at me that I did not care about myself , my health my sanity . His attitude and reaction had a huge impact on in our relationship . He was disappointed of me and I became bitter and to be honest find hard to forgive him ad he made my grief more difficult, painful and complicated
Dear Homa, I am so so sorry you are going through such a thing. I hope you can take this day by day, breath by breath, and also to forgive yourself (I say this last part because, although you don't mention the word "guilt" in your comment, it seems as if you are feeling residual guilt for persuading your father to move close to you? I hope you will remember that all you're experiencing now is borne of great love....) Take care - Susan
Thank you so much dear Susan ( ham del, I am iranian/ Persian so I know exactly what it means). You are so smart and compassionate. Not that I did not know!! But Yes , so true. guilt is exactly has been my dominant emotion.
I am having therapy and hopefully I wont suffer this terribly. I appreciate your care
I wish I could join the candlelight gathering but timing is not right for me in Australia but cant wait to watch it later
Oh Homa! Grieving is SO complicated and painful for ourselves. I hope you have community + support besides your disappointed husband to surround you and support you during your grief and mourning. There are so many layers here! Extraordinary love and professional dedication with your medical team. Add in once in a lifetime pandemic into the mix!
I guess my outlook as a new, unwanted, member of this grief club (at my current stage and individual experience) is we’re human, we fail and we prevail (with hope and love). Best to try not to absorb judgmental criticism of our past actions from others or ourselves.
Grief from the outside can and will drive some people away. We’re not ourselves. We’re different & we’ll never be the same as before. The advice to take care of ourselves is easier said than done!
I’m glad you shared and your endeavor being amazing with your father. It’s an amazing and ongoing one.
Love to you + your dad Homa!
It’s hard not to be bitter (In my case cranky and irritated).
In my experience with early grief, I had “lead feet” and I couldn’t move…I couldn’t go out for that walk, go to the Farmers Market & when I finally did when I did it was way more emotional than I thought!
How do we handle less than supportive people during grief? We don’t even have the bandwidth to deal with “normal” situations!
Dear Peggy. I never felt so connected to a so called stranger! But as Susan call us “ ham - del someone which I totally understand as I am persian/ Iranian so as the word , I know you are a ham del . Your comment is so insightful and kind satire on my heart. Not only a soothing balm but a thought provoking .
I hope you can deal with your grief with grace and self compassion.
I’m honored by your reply and to know my words were so well received.
As we’re immersed in this unwelcome state of affairs, I feel like it’s important to figure out what grace is at this moment. I’m working on noticing when I’m beating myself up and working on reframing my punishing words with forgiveness and understanding. A process…
Homa, continued love to you + dad