This really resonates, particularly the skill of desensitization. Growing up, my mother was very shy, and timid. She let it shrink her life, being scared even of driving (a necessity in the suburban sprawl). It would have been life-changing for us all if she'd known of those tiny steps to shift her comfort zone.
One additional piece of advice I'd share with this mom is for her to ask her son if he wants to change? He may be perfectly satisfied staying within himself, as many introverts I know are. In fact, one of my introverted friends told me she was relieved with COVID-19 lockdown because she could stay home without anyone questioning her with concern. Is the motivation to change and grow engagement what Mom wants for her son, or what her son wants?
As a full-fledged extravert, I appreciate you letting me comment.
This is SO important... as someone who suffered from high levels of anxiety as a teenager, I can see how these techniques would be enormously helpful. And we have much more awareness of how to deal with anxiety today than we did 20-30 years ago. Thanks for this!
Dear Ms Cain - your work profoundly changed my life, especially in understanding who I am as an introvert. Have you considered writing a book for children and one for young adults to help them? Judging from the many parents responding here, I think they would be equally well received
Hi there Tracy! Susan wrote a book called QUIET POWER for tweens and teens (https://susancain.net/book/quiet-power/). She probably won’t write a children’s book though if she does she will let you know here. Thanks for your note!
Many neurodiverse kids are actually struggling within the current school system, where from the time of pre-kindergarten they have been subliminally taught how to hide their talent. They are naturally very smart and observant of the adults around them who have programmed them through non-verbal cues about how to interact or not interact, and the consequences of interactions. Many times these kids learn to become silent, the fly on the wall, while their intelligence exceeds the current learning structure.
I do agree with what Susan says: "Mastery breeds self-confidence (rather than the other way around)." Many of my patients, when we allowed them access to non-traditional modes of learning, challenged their mastery, and allowed them to build confidence in one aspect of life, were able to regain confidence in their intelligence. This eliminates self-doubt that actually puts them into social anxiety for fear of rejection - a learned experience that is accumulated throughout their time within the school system.
Mastery allows their brain to remodel their thought processes that naturally cause them to feel inadequate while everyone around them sees their true potential. This post is wonderful, one that resonates with me and many of your readers.
My fav was: “ Ask your son to notice all the times his classmates raise their hands and say ridiculous things that make no sense, or smart-sounding things that are only half-right, and no one cares.” So true and they aren’t swallowed up and mocked out of the room.
I think if a question is asked, you’re not the only who doesn’t know & would like another explanation (not just a repeat). If you can feel empowered that you’re not just acting for yourself it might help.
I had a great math teacher who could explain in three different ways (and did) I needed the different points. I’m one of the few who liked word problems. If you could give me a reason, a real life explanation of how this could be useful that really helped! I’m not strong in math yet I took an intro Oceanography class (a passion) and taught myself just enough calculus to get an A. I’m a “big picture” person.
This might not give confidence in public speaking. Once in a large college lecture hall we had a visiting lecturer on art history. I knew that the artists mentioned were repeatedly wrong. Afterwards I went to the lecturer and pointed that out. She was very embarrassed, she was a specialist scholar on this subject. She got in her head the wrong name and kept repeating it. She said I should have said something earlier (not sure how due to the format and huge audience). Even PhDs can make (repeated) embarrassing mistakes in front of huge audiences. It happens…
Oh boy middle school is tough and can be cruel. Love that his mom has some tools & I wish him well.
I've got a 33, almost 34, years young daughter who suffers from social anxiety, a low self-esteem and depression. I hesitate to write too much, but life's hard for her, for her brothers who see this [although she lives in Sweden nowadays, not in The Netherlands], for her mother 💔 and for me as a dad [with a master in psychology]. Like me, she's an introvert too, so I can relate to some of her feelings.
What we've learned over the -more than 20 - years is primarily that, as parents and family, you can never be the therapist of your child or sister. You can give her some advice, you can be there for her, support her to the extend that she allows you to. But first of all, if someone isn't ready, help in whatever way will be watering the desert. Like a lot of people with mental issues, the first and most important thing is that this person voluntarily reaches out and asks for help.
When someone takes that step and asks for help, remember that parents and siblings are lousy therapists. They have loads of biases and, very often, a “knight in shining armour”-complex. Help the one you love by helping him or her finding a good therapist or - if the issues are mild - a professional coach. You can be there to support, to love unconditionally and to offer a listening ear. But my advice [and I’ll keep it by this] is: create a safe space for the ones you love to find his or her own way out of the misery, never make the mistake to think you can solve someone else's problems.
Love this. I would add, tell him that it's OK to be a shy and quiet person, that lots of people prefer this over the noisy folk who can be quite annoying. And to notice all the things he's good at 😃 I still struggle to speak up in group situations sometimes at age 51!
Hope it get better for the kid!! Hard to find words but I empatize ,many of us have gone through the same thing your not alone,school was a nightmare... I think now school's, educators ,businesses need to wake up that there more then one personality type more than one way of learning or engaging at work than that of the extroverted norm... Can't believe I'm going to write this but I could barely read through out my whole schooling even early adulthood, long story ;but in short of it .One day I started looking up every word I didn't know it would take me forever to read a book sometime I hear the word on the computer if I couldn't pronounce and honestly still do all of this... There more than one way,there always has been we just have to open are heart's souls,minds to it... Hang in there kid you'll find your tribe and bless your ma ! From someone, Wandering lonely streets with dreams in holy pockets... I'm really glad that kid has that mother...
"Help him to find activities and interests that he’s good at and loves to do...and try to situate him in such a way that he gains mastery. Mastery breeds self-confidence...." For me that activity would have been horses and riding. But I didn't have that opportunity until I was 17. Now I'm 50, going nowhere, and still struggle with, well, everything. I wonder how my life might have been better if I had had the stable/horse/working student experience earlier. I could have been better, and I lament that irreparable loss of early confidence building. I was at the mercy of parents who always said no to what I wanted to try, especially if (heaven forbid) it cost money and might require the inconvenience of transportation; yet in their clueless manner of parenting just expected me to "develop" according to societal acceptance. Anxiety, highly sensitive, depression...it was so obvious and completely ignored. I could have had a better life with a little understanding.
As a recently retired teacher and life-time introvert (who only became comfortable in my right to be who I am after reading Quiet), I would like to share my thoughts about how many classes are not set up for the success of introverts. "Post Quiet", I would regularly speak to my principal and colleagues about organizing the physical classroom and the kinds of assignments and assessments that would foster comfort, confidence and success in students who were introverted. I spoke against always insisting that students participate in group work, which can be very frustrating and intimidating to an introvert who struggles to find the courage to articulate an idea and fears having the idea rejected. Some people work better on their own, although that doesn't excuse them from participating in group work. If they always avoid it, they will struggle to feel comfortable when a future boss insists on team work.
I structured my classes in such a way that students could often, but not always, choose to work independently, with a partner or in a group. Just as introverts should learn to manage in a group setting, extroverts need to be able to work independently, which may be difficult for them. Depending on the ages of the students involved, teachers can have a discussion about introversion and extroversion as it relates to student preferences and foster an appreciation of both. School should be a safe place to practise skills, and I believe that the classroom teacher has an obligation to plan the best opportunities for the students in the class to grow and demonstrate their abilities and what they have learned through the process.
I believe that your suggestion of approaching the classroom teacher as a partner in her son's education is the most effective way to open a dialogue. The teacher may be an extrovert and not realize the origin of the student's lack of participation in class (i.e., introversion with a large side of social anxiety). So often, teachers will say things like the student needs to speak up and participate, without wondering what is causing the student's reluctance to do so. If the parent is successful in engaging the teacher as a partner, learning about the student's introversion and social anxiety should be like a lightbulb turning on for the teacher. Just like your suggestion that the son take bite sized actions, discussing with the teacher one or two strategies that might help prepare a safe environment for the student to be successful in these actions could go a long way toward both student and teacher feeling successful and proud of their accomplishments.
As a final word, I recently gave a beginning teacher a copy of Quiet Power. She was so delighted to have it as a reference. It turns out that, as an extrovert, she was actually worried about whether she would be successful in engaging introverted students. I believe her delighted reaction speaks volumes!
As I am not socially anxious, I cannot from experience add to the advice. I like to step back and have a more general, holistic view on the problem. I know that this does not help the individual in the place they are at right now but might help future generations. Maybe, one of the thoughts even sparks an impulse that reaches back into the present.
We have different "conditions" and personality traits that the school system, and for that matter, business, do not cater to well. Let's just name a few: social anxiety, autism, AD(H)D, introversion. I have come to the conclusion that it is not the people with these traits that are sick, odd, or do not fit. It is the world.
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." – Krishnamurti
I have looked into some alternative school systems like schools for autistic children, the flipped classroom (learn at home, do your homework in school), home schooling, computer-based learning at individual speed, and self-motivated learning without a teacher in groups of children.
Perhabs, we should have all of these models and more implemented in parallel and allow children to flourish in whatever model fits them best.
Why not provide school vouchers to families and let them choose, while providing a rough container for what a student needs to know at the end of school? Why not make sure that students can switch between models early on, until they found the right one for them? Kindergarten and primary school could be used to find the right fit by providing multiple models and assessing the student's wellbeing.
I am aware of the risk that this could lead to a "lost generation" if done poorly. But frankly, it cannot get much worse than it is now.
For the present, it might be helpful to look into alternative schools in the area, specialized for autistic (not the ones that see autism as a disorder but as a chance) or gifted children.
This really resonates, particularly the skill of desensitization. Growing up, my mother was very shy, and timid. She let it shrink her life, being scared even of driving (a necessity in the suburban sprawl). It would have been life-changing for us all if she'd known of those tiny steps to shift her comfort zone.
One additional piece of advice I'd share with this mom is for her to ask her son if he wants to change? He may be perfectly satisfied staying within himself, as many introverts I know are. In fact, one of my introverted friends told me she was relieved with COVID-19 lockdown because she could stay home without anyone questioning her with concern. Is the motivation to change and grow engagement what Mom wants for her son, or what her son wants?
As a full-fledged extravert, I appreciate you letting me comment.
This is SO important... as someone who suffered from high levels of anxiety as a teenager, I can see how these techniques would be enormously helpful. And we have much more awareness of how to deal with anxiety today than we did 20-30 years ago. Thanks for this!
That boy is me as a teenager. Your work has helped me no end.
Dear Ms Cain - your work profoundly changed my life, especially in understanding who I am as an introvert. Have you considered writing a book for children and one for young adults to help them? Judging from the many parents responding here, I think they would be equally well received
Hi there Tracy! Susan wrote a book called QUIET POWER for tweens and teens (https://susancain.net/book/quiet-power/). She probably won’t write a children’s book though if she does she will let you know here. Thanks for your note!
I love all of this but in particular #10.
Many neurodiverse kids are actually struggling within the current school system, where from the time of pre-kindergarten they have been subliminally taught how to hide their talent. They are naturally very smart and observant of the adults around them who have programmed them through non-verbal cues about how to interact or not interact, and the consequences of interactions. Many times these kids learn to become silent, the fly on the wall, while their intelligence exceeds the current learning structure.
I do agree with what Susan says: "Mastery breeds self-confidence (rather than the other way around)." Many of my patients, when we allowed them access to non-traditional modes of learning, challenged their mastery, and allowed them to build confidence in one aspect of life, were able to regain confidence in their intelligence. This eliminates self-doubt that actually puts them into social anxiety for fear of rejection - a learned experience that is accumulated throughout their time within the school system.
Mastery allows their brain to remodel their thought processes that naturally cause them to feel inadequate while everyone around them sees their true potential. This post is wonderful, one that resonates with me and many of your readers.
My fav was: “ Ask your son to notice all the times his classmates raise their hands and say ridiculous things that make no sense, or smart-sounding things that are only half-right, and no one cares.” So true and they aren’t swallowed up and mocked out of the room.
I think if a question is asked, you’re not the only who doesn’t know & would like another explanation (not just a repeat). If you can feel empowered that you’re not just acting for yourself it might help.
I had a great math teacher who could explain in three different ways (and did) I needed the different points. I’m one of the few who liked word problems. If you could give me a reason, a real life explanation of how this could be useful that really helped! I’m not strong in math yet I took an intro Oceanography class (a passion) and taught myself just enough calculus to get an A. I’m a “big picture” person.
This might not give confidence in public speaking. Once in a large college lecture hall we had a visiting lecturer on art history. I knew that the artists mentioned were repeatedly wrong. Afterwards I went to the lecturer and pointed that out. She was very embarrassed, she was a specialist scholar on this subject. She got in her head the wrong name and kept repeating it. She said I should have said something earlier (not sure how due to the format and huge audience). Even PhDs can make (repeated) embarrassing mistakes in front of huge audiences. It happens…
Oh boy middle school is tough and can be cruel. Love that his mom has some tools & I wish him well.
I've got a 33, almost 34, years young daughter who suffers from social anxiety, a low self-esteem and depression. I hesitate to write too much, but life's hard for her, for her brothers who see this [although she lives in Sweden nowadays, not in The Netherlands], for her mother 💔 and for me as a dad [with a master in psychology]. Like me, she's an introvert too, so I can relate to some of her feelings.
What we've learned over the -more than 20 - years is primarily that, as parents and family, you can never be the therapist of your child or sister. You can give her some advice, you can be there for her, support her to the extend that she allows you to. But first of all, if someone isn't ready, help in whatever way will be watering the desert. Like a lot of people with mental issues, the first and most important thing is that this person voluntarily reaches out and asks for help.
When someone takes that step and asks for help, remember that parents and siblings are lousy therapists. They have loads of biases and, very often, a “knight in shining armour”-complex. Help the one you love by helping him or her finding a good therapist or - if the issues are mild - a professional coach. You can be there to support, to love unconditionally and to offer a listening ear. But my advice [and I’ll keep it by this] is: create a safe space for the ones you love to find his or her own way out of the misery, never make the mistake to think you can solve someone else's problems.
Thank for sharing hard earned knowledge. Much love to you and your family + daughter
Love this. I would add, tell him that it's OK to be a shy and quiet person, that lots of people prefer this over the noisy folk who can be quite annoying. And to notice all the things he's good at 😃 I still struggle to speak up in group situations sometimes at age 51!
Excellent strategies. I remember all the new schools I had to navigate. It can be devastating.
10 years too late for my now young adult but great advice
Hope it get better for the kid!! Hard to find words but I empatize ,many of us have gone through the same thing your not alone,school was a nightmare... I think now school's, educators ,businesses need to wake up that there more then one personality type more than one way of learning or engaging at work than that of the extroverted norm... Can't believe I'm going to write this but I could barely read through out my whole schooling even early adulthood, long story ;but in short of it .One day I started looking up every word I didn't know it would take me forever to read a book sometime I hear the word on the computer if I couldn't pronounce and honestly still do all of this... There more than one way,there always has been we just have to open are heart's souls,minds to it... Hang in there kid you'll find your tribe and bless your ma ! From someone, Wandering lonely streets with dreams in holy pockets... I'm really glad that kid has that mother...
"Help him to find activities and interests that he’s good at and loves to do...and try to situate him in such a way that he gains mastery. Mastery breeds self-confidence...." For me that activity would have been horses and riding. But I didn't have that opportunity until I was 17. Now I'm 50, going nowhere, and still struggle with, well, everything. I wonder how my life might have been better if I had had the stable/horse/working student experience earlier. I could have been better, and I lament that irreparable loss of early confidence building. I was at the mercy of parents who always said no to what I wanted to try, especially if (heaven forbid) it cost money and might require the inconvenience of transportation; yet in their clueless manner of parenting just expected me to "develop" according to societal acceptance. Anxiety, highly sensitive, depression...it was so obvious and completely ignored. I could have had a better life with a little understanding.
Hello Susan,
As a recently retired teacher and life-time introvert (who only became comfortable in my right to be who I am after reading Quiet), I would like to share my thoughts about how many classes are not set up for the success of introverts. "Post Quiet", I would regularly speak to my principal and colleagues about organizing the physical classroom and the kinds of assignments and assessments that would foster comfort, confidence and success in students who were introverted. I spoke against always insisting that students participate in group work, which can be very frustrating and intimidating to an introvert who struggles to find the courage to articulate an idea and fears having the idea rejected. Some people work better on their own, although that doesn't excuse them from participating in group work. If they always avoid it, they will struggle to feel comfortable when a future boss insists on team work.
I structured my classes in such a way that students could often, but not always, choose to work independently, with a partner or in a group. Just as introverts should learn to manage in a group setting, extroverts need to be able to work independently, which may be difficult for them. Depending on the ages of the students involved, teachers can have a discussion about introversion and extroversion as it relates to student preferences and foster an appreciation of both. School should be a safe place to practise skills, and I believe that the classroom teacher has an obligation to plan the best opportunities for the students in the class to grow and demonstrate their abilities and what they have learned through the process.
I believe that your suggestion of approaching the classroom teacher as a partner in her son's education is the most effective way to open a dialogue. The teacher may be an extrovert and not realize the origin of the student's lack of participation in class (i.e., introversion with a large side of social anxiety). So often, teachers will say things like the student needs to speak up and participate, without wondering what is causing the student's reluctance to do so. If the parent is successful in engaging the teacher as a partner, learning about the student's introversion and social anxiety should be like a lightbulb turning on for the teacher. Just like your suggestion that the son take bite sized actions, discussing with the teacher one or two strategies that might help prepare a safe environment for the student to be successful in these actions could go a long way toward both student and teacher feeling successful and proud of their accomplishments.
As a final word, I recently gave a beginning teacher a copy of Quiet Power. She was so delighted to have it as a reference. It turns out that, as an extrovert, she was actually worried about whether she would be successful in engaging introverted students. I believe her delighted reaction speaks volumes!
Love that you agree with working with teacher(s) in partnership & that you exposed the extroverted new teacher to Quiet
As I am not socially anxious, I cannot from experience add to the advice. I like to step back and have a more general, holistic view on the problem. I know that this does not help the individual in the place they are at right now but might help future generations. Maybe, one of the thoughts even sparks an impulse that reaches back into the present.
We have different "conditions" and personality traits that the school system, and for that matter, business, do not cater to well. Let's just name a few: social anxiety, autism, AD(H)D, introversion. I have come to the conclusion that it is not the people with these traits that are sick, odd, or do not fit. It is the world.
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." – Krishnamurti
I have looked into some alternative school systems like schools for autistic children, the flipped classroom (learn at home, do your homework in school), home schooling, computer-based learning at individual speed, and self-motivated learning without a teacher in groups of children.
Perhabs, we should have all of these models and more implemented in parallel and allow children to flourish in whatever model fits them best.
Why not provide school vouchers to families and let them choose, while providing a rough container for what a student needs to know at the end of school? Why not make sure that students can switch between models early on, until they found the right one for them? Kindergarten and primary school could be used to find the right fit by providing multiple models and assessing the student's wellbeing.
I am aware of the risk that this could lead to a "lost generation" if done poorly. But frankly, it cannot get much worse than it is now.
For the present, it might be helpful to look into alternative schools in the area, specialized for autistic (not the ones that see autism as a disorder but as a chance) or gifted children.