When I saw pictures of this book and even your own post Susan on The Book Club, I loved the idea.
And as I reflect on it, I feel now that my mattering feels lower than ever. Working in a consultancy that pays the bills but where I don't feel I'm highly valued, because being neurodivergent in a place where you need to spit out reports and quickly read out stuff, taking time to rest and for yourself sounds "unproductive".
On the other hand, I feel the pressure to matter on the social networks. You don't post enough, you don't matter. I stopped posting because I felt it didn't feel right, but now at the same time I feel so irrelevant to everyone.
My book writing is a bit stalled as I've learned from my ADHD, it's hard to find motivation when you see such a daunting amount of tasks ahead.
My family of course matters about me but at the same time, I feel I need so much improvement because I'm still attached to anger and fear with my family, that I'm far from being a good husband and father. My wife was about to dump me days ago and despite many therapists and psychologists, I feel I haven't improved much.
So, this post hits deep, because on the surface it may seem I have spaces that make mattering high to me, but in reality, they don't. In some I feel under-mattered and in others, I feel underserved of mattering. Mattering on the inside (you) and from the outside (others).
This is a great topic and question... mattering. I think that we crave being seen, heard, noticed... That this is what deep listening can give. And deep connection that has no words (like with animals). For me, I have struggled with feeling seen, feeling accepted, feeling heard... going back to my childhood. I tried to make myself into what I thought others wanted. So even I didn't see or hear myself. To be honest, the major shifts for me have come after retirement. Now I have the time to remember who I was, what I loved, who I am when no one is looking....
I'm grateful. I volunteer at our local zoo (it's one of the best that does tremendous rescue and conservation work), I just signed up to volunteer at a wildlife rescue center, I write, and I paint. I walk in the redwoods. I spend a lot of time in solitude as well, which is where and when I can deeply breathe. And following my passions brings me into contact with others of that tribe... Where it's easier to feel seen and heard. Following my heart makes me feel seen and heard by myself, who I've been craving that from most of all. It has taken me a lifetime... And what a journey it has been and continues to be! To look in the mirror, finally, and say...."there you are. I see you. I hear you. You matter. Just because."
Susan - sorry to bother you with this little issue. I am having great difficulty trying to post a picture of myself on this thread. Could someone please help me, or offer an alternative way of doing so. Thanks very much. William ( Bill - preferred ) Damroth
I’m happy to help, William. Please email me at renee@quietrev.com. Remind me it is for this thread. I will need to post as me, but I’ll make not that I’m doing it for you.
I’ve learned in my long life, that I “think” I don’t matter…and then someone shares how I mattered to them in some certain circumstance. So now I listen to my heart , reach out for others and myself when I’m nudged to do so, remembering I’m living the truest self that I am.
So excited for this book – thank you for sharing Susan! I used to base my ‘mattering’ on external trappings of success. That was a false narrative. Now I feel I matter most and I’m the most rewarded when I do something for someone important in my life so they feel they matter too. Helping other people matter to me, brings me joy.
I watched Rebecca Goldstein on PBS last night talk about this topic and her book on mattering. I listened to her explain the different kinds of sources in our lives where we access the feeling of mattering.
And then here is yet another read on the topic! And book!
I really struggle with mattering both personally and professionally and I think studying the topic will help me to clarify my angst. From early childhood throughout life I have not felt I mattered to adults. So deep has the pain from maltreatment been. Then I go ahead and enter into nearly 4 decades of a career where I work with families and especially children and I know I’ve been running around in that world telling children that I recognize as myself as a child: ‘You matter! I matter!’ So gut-wrenching is the number of children I’ve helped who behave in ways that reflect that they do not matter. It starts in childhood, I truly believe, and the human need to feel connected.
Working with children has been the only thing that has helped me to feel I mattered. And from them directly. Families and adults, the clinical world and school world, have not rewarded my work in ways that invite me to feel I matter.
A little over 2 years ago I became a grandmother and I have 4 now and ranging from 2 mos to 2.5 years old. And bam! All of the sudden, and through my time with them and attention to their needs, I feel I matter. To little people who are my DNA. Who will live on past me into a world I will never know. Being with them is deeply peaceful.
Thank you for highlighting this topic and book. I’m going to be reading both books and looking a bit deeper into maybe ways I can open doors for others to share how I matter to them. I realize that is also important and a take-away after watching PBS and then reading this article. I do know that when I am careful to offer this sentiment to others, it comes back to me. And usually unexpectedly.
Thank you for this kind platform and being able to share.
I wrestled with this one. Something about it bothers me. Mattering focuses on our effect on others, and in that sense seems dependent. I'm uncomfortable leaving things there, because mattering to others seems too close to people-pleasing (though mattering is deeper).
The other side of the coin is *purpose*, which may or may not involve others but always involves our own selves. And our own selves will never come and go the way that people will.
An invisible child fuels an adult's longing to be seen - this is my life narrative. As life had it, maternal figures offered the young adolescent glimpses of what it meant to matter. In yearning for and shying away from unadulterated attention at once, the experience felt like being on a teeter-totter, with its highs and lows. It has taken decades to settle into a more stable, healthier, and balanced need to be seen and not seen. The dynamic continues to evolve.
Acknowledging my essence when receiving attention is my pursuit. Valuing what makes me come alive in a beholder's full presence is the fulfillment. Witnessing with delight sparks an intimate connection between us, a gift graciously and generously tendered. Being seen gives me meaning, and, in turn, a purpose in contributing to the good of others.
I matter; thus, it matters that others matter too. As an interpersonal phenomenon, mattering bids me to invite someone or others to come and play, in twos, threes, or a small group. Mattering and mutuality are twins, not a solitary journey. When we make mattering mutual, the experience becomes deeply human, aligning with our search for meaning and with the embrace of our human condition. On the fundamental, universal, and existential floor, the mutuality dance slides across. The soul rests.
Please contact me about how I can receive my copy of your Bittersweet journal. I recently renewed my subscription, & contacted you at the email you noted, & again via substack—- both emails were rejected by the server. I’ve tried to send my mailing address—- thought you had it as part of my subscription. Please let me know my next steps to receive the journal— thanks!
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear your emails were rejected. I haven’t heard that happening before so hopefully it was just a one time glitch. My email is renee@quietrev.com. I’m happy to help you. I just need to know the email you signed up with. Thanks so much!
I too felt the “search for meaning” vibe. When I was forced into an early “retirement” and became seemingly unemployable both in a traditional sense and as a consultant, I began my own search for meaning as to why I could no longer matter to them or anyone else. When you lose your context, or worse, you’re forced out of one, you can go searching for a new one or you can figure out how to get them to let you back in. (Maybe do both?)
Mattering is so important. After my job as care giver to my sick husband was gone when he died, one of the most challenging parts was believing that I no longer mattered to anyone. No one needed me. I’m learning that I can matter to people even if they don’t actually need me. I struggle to deeply feel that in my gut, but intellectually I know it’s true and will keep working to really know it in my core.
Thank you for sharing insights of this book. I like the Said acronym. As far as where I feel I mattered it’s usually when I do acts of service which is my primary love language. It eases whatever problems you are facing when you are helping someone else. My husband of 33 years makes me feel I matter in his daily checks in, little gestures of smiles and soft looks of presence and kindness. It’s all the little things that add up to the big things. When people tell me I have inspired them or they will never forget a thoughtful gesture or kindness and how that made them feel is when I feel most seen. As an introvert I feel not seen in loud parties and people with big personalities as the performative act often drains me. But I do put myself out there when needed. I am moving slowly away from external measures and labels to measure my self worth. I feel if you come across authentic, make eye contact and smile that people are genuinely kind and good. I am high emphatic so I tend to be a worrier when someone I care about is struggling so in that sense being needed and useful is a measure for me.
I have to admit that my question is not whether I will matter again, but whether I will ever matter, or even whether I should crave mattering.
I understand what Jennifer means. After I was ousted by my church, lost most relationships, and what was sold to me as my life's purpose (to gain people for Christ), I could have asked, "Will I ever matter again?"
But my late diagnosis with autism made me realize upon close inspection that I never mattered. I was a tool, fit to support the system. I was used to bringing the dreams of my head pastor into fruition, and was told so straightforwardly ("The way to grow into your own calling is to support another's calling and dreams until you are found worthy and mature"—which I was not, even after 34 years of serving.)
I know it sounds terribly frustrated and pessimistic, but I have so much to give and almost nobody to give it to. I am not depressed, though. I just trust that what I write and say will someday help someone. But that is not where I derive my worth.
I am doubtful that the acronym SAID (feeling significant, appreciated, invested in, and depended on) is the meaning and purpose of an authentic life. For me, it shows too much dependency on two factors: my own desires and others' expectations.
I think that the stories show us ways back into "normality" rather than into personal growth and authenticity. They perpetuate, calcify, and petrify our belief that we only matter when others show us that we matter to them.
I know this is crucially honest and brutally blunt, but also rather abnormal to think. And I know that what I tell you next is merely my experience: The less I crave mattering, the more I matter to others.
What an interesting and thoughtful response. It has deepened my enjoyment of this article. As I think of your response, I realize that mattering to myself has to be at the core of why I’m seeking friends and activities. I want relationships where I matter to them because of my intrinsic value and not because I serve them. I want to value them in that same way. It requires vulnerability and honesty when I’m feeling weak or unqualified. So easy to say but hard for me. I used to feel worthy only when I helped others. I couldn’t feel deserving when I needed help. I’m trying to stop this habit of thinking. I’m a work in process. Thank you for sharing your viewpoint.
Really enjoyed taking a former fellow worker to lunch on Tuesday. She was someone I worked directly with for years, but I had not seen her since I retired 7 years ago. But as I heard that she was now retiring I invited her! She was (and is), the best of the best of the best! We shared lots of good stories, but one of my favorites is that moment she came to my office just to chat for a moment (as she often did!). And I asked her a question then, I said, “I know who I feel I am, and I know inside what I mean, but I do not know how I come across, nor who I am to you”. In that moment she hesitated, and I said, “It’s OK, and it is important to me, anything that is true is fine”… and then she said, “well…. sometimes you can be a little scary!”. Of course not how I saw myself at all, but soooo important to know! And at lunch we talked about this past moment and laughed, and I said, “I’m very happy I’m not scary any more!”. Because… she matters!
You know I might not have asked this question, we always had a good relationship, but I did ask it, and glad I did. I was surprised by her answer. I had some customers who at times had demanding requirements, and we were all in that pressure cooker. I do feel there is a gap between who we see ourselves to be and the person the other receives, and that is the reason I asked her this question. Very enlightening!
This is such an important, but rarely discussed topic. When I was a younger woman, a wise friend and mentor, Misa Hopkins, taught me that the definition of love is feeling truly heard, seen and understood for who you are. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Yet, we all know that feeling deeply heard, seen and understood....all at once from a single person...is a rare event indeed. I challenge myself to offer this to others. Hopefully, I even succeed sometimes. And yes, I often feel that others do not like me. I hope to rise above caring what others think of me. It feels like a freeing place to live from.
A freeing place, but ultimately, I wonder if that's a possible goal? I wonder if a more possible goal is moving a little farther down the spectrum of caring less - as opposed to caring not at all?
Susan, you make a good point. Letting go of some of the weight i might give to others' opinions is a worthy goal. In fact, most of the time, that's exactly what I do.
The "me-search" concept resonates with me. My childhood was difficult but I was allowed to go to church (by myself and later, with my sister). At church adults took an interest in me and sat with me during the services. Sometimes I pretended they were my parents. As an adult I found myself sitting with children who were alone in church. First, I admired their desire to be there. One child came on her bike wearing a bathing suit. Everyone else in the house was asleep. (small town in MN). Then I realized I was doing the same thing that was done for me. I think this is pretty common, a way of making the present better than the past.
When I saw pictures of this book and even your own post Susan on The Book Club, I loved the idea.
And as I reflect on it, I feel now that my mattering feels lower than ever. Working in a consultancy that pays the bills but where I don't feel I'm highly valued, because being neurodivergent in a place where you need to spit out reports and quickly read out stuff, taking time to rest and for yourself sounds "unproductive".
On the other hand, I feel the pressure to matter on the social networks. You don't post enough, you don't matter. I stopped posting because I felt it didn't feel right, but now at the same time I feel so irrelevant to everyone.
My book writing is a bit stalled as I've learned from my ADHD, it's hard to find motivation when you see such a daunting amount of tasks ahead.
My family of course matters about me but at the same time, I feel I need so much improvement because I'm still attached to anger and fear with my family, that I'm far from being a good husband and father. My wife was about to dump me days ago and despite many therapists and psychologists, I feel I haven't improved much.
So, this post hits deep, because on the surface it may seem I have spaces that make mattering high to me, but in reality, they don't. In some I feel under-mattered and in others, I feel underserved of mattering. Mattering on the inside (you) and from the outside (others).
This is a great topic and question... mattering. I think that we crave being seen, heard, noticed... That this is what deep listening can give. And deep connection that has no words (like with animals). For me, I have struggled with feeling seen, feeling accepted, feeling heard... going back to my childhood. I tried to make myself into what I thought others wanted. So even I didn't see or hear myself. To be honest, the major shifts for me have come after retirement. Now I have the time to remember who I was, what I loved, who I am when no one is looking....
I'm grateful. I volunteer at our local zoo (it's one of the best that does tremendous rescue and conservation work), I just signed up to volunteer at a wildlife rescue center, I write, and I paint. I walk in the redwoods. I spend a lot of time in solitude as well, which is where and when I can deeply breathe. And following my passions brings me into contact with others of that tribe... Where it's easier to feel seen and heard. Following my heart makes me feel seen and heard by myself, who I've been craving that from most of all. It has taken me a lifetime... And what a journey it has been and continues to be! To look in the mirror, finally, and say...."there you are. I see you. I hear you. You matter. Just because."
Susan - sorry to bother you with this little issue. I am having great difficulty trying to post a picture of myself on this thread. Could someone please help me, or offer an alternative way of doing so. Thanks very much. William ( Bill - preferred ) Damroth
I’m happy to help, William. Please email me at renee@quietrev.com. Remind me it is for this thread. I will need to post as me, but I’ll make not that I’m doing it for you.
Bill, I’m happy to help. 😀
I’ve learned in my long life, that I “think” I don’t matter…and then someone shares how I mattered to them in some certain circumstance. So now I listen to my heart , reach out for others and myself when I’m nudged to do so, remembering I’m living the truest self that I am.
So excited for this book – thank you for sharing Susan! I used to base my ‘mattering’ on external trappings of success. That was a false narrative. Now I feel I matter most and I’m the most rewarded when I do something for someone important in my life so they feel they matter too. Helping other people matter to me, brings me joy.
I watched Rebecca Goldstein on PBS last night talk about this topic and her book on mattering. I listened to her explain the different kinds of sources in our lives where we access the feeling of mattering.
And then here is yet another read on the topic! And book!
I really struggle with mattering both personally and professionally and I think studying the topic will help me to clarify my angst. From early childhood throughout life I have not felt I mattered to adults. So deep has the pain from maltreatment been. Then I go ahead and enter into nearly 4 decades of a career where I work with families and especially children and I know I’ve been running around in that world telling children that I recognize as myself as a child: ‘You matter! I matter!’ So gut-wrenching is the number of children I’ve helped who behave in ways that reflect that they do not matter. It starts in childhood, I truly believe, and the human need to feel connected.
Working with children has been the only thing that has helped me to feel I mattered. And from them directly. Families and adults, the clinical world and school world, have not rewarded my work in ways that invite me to feel I matter.
A little over 2 years ago I became a grandmother and I have 4 now and ranging from 2 mos to 2.5 years old. And bam! All of the sudden, and through my time with them and attention to their needs, I feel I matter. To little people who are my DNA. Who will live on past me into a world I will never know. Being with them is deeply peaceful.
Thank you for highlighting this topic and book. I’m going to be reading both books and looking a bit deeper into maybe ways I can open doors for others to share how I matter to them. I realize that is also important and a take-away after watching PBS and then reading this article. I do know that when I am careful to offer this sentiment to others, it comes back to me. And usually unexpectedly.
Thank you for this kind platform and being able to share.
I wrestled with this one. Something about it bothers me. Mattering focuses on our effect on others, and in that sense seems dependent. I'm uncomfortable leaving things there, because mattering to others seems too close to people-pleasing (though mattering is deeper).
The other side of the coin is *purpose*, which may or may not involve others but always involves our own selves. And our own selves will never come and go the way that people will.
An invisible child fuels an adult's longing to be seen - this is my life narrative. As life had it, maternal figures offered the young adolescent glimpses of what it meant to matter. In yearning for and shying away from unadulterated attention at once, the experience felt like being on a teeter-totter, with its highs and lows. It has taken decades to settle into a more stable, healthier, and balanced need to be seen and not seen. The dynamic continues to evolve.
Acknowledging my essence when receiving attention is my pursuit. Valuing what makes me come alive in a beholder's full presence is the fulfillment. Witnessing with delight sparks an intimate connection between us, a gift graciously and generously tendered. Being seen gives me meaning, and, in turn, a purpose in contributing to the good of others.
I matter; thus, it matters that others matter too. As an interpersonal phenomenon, mattering bids me to invite someone or others to come and play, in twos, threes, or a small group. Mattering and mutuality are twins, not a solitary journey. When we make mattering mutual, the experience becomes deeply human, aligning with our search for meaning and with the embrace of our human condition. On the fundamental, universal, and existential floor, the mutuality dance slides across. The soul rests.
Please contact me about how I can receive my copy of your Bittersweet journal. I recently renewed my subscription, & contacted you at the email you noted, & again via substack—- both emails were rejected by the server. I’ve tried to send my mailing address—- thought you had it as part of my subscription. Please let me know my next steps to receive the journal— thanks!
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear your emails were rejected. I haven’t heard that happening before so hopefully it was just a one time glitch. My email is renee@quietrev.com. I’m happy to help you. I just need to know the email you signed up with. Thanks so much!
I too felt the “search for meaning” vibe. When I was forced into an early “retirement” and became seemingly unemployable both in a traditional sense and as a consultant, I began my own search for meaning as to why I could no longer matter to them or anyone else. When you lose your context, or worse, you’re forced out of one, you can go searching for a new one or you can figure out how to get them to let you back in. (Maybe do both?)
Mattering is so important. After my job as care giver to my sick husband was gone when he died, one of the most challenging parts was believing that I no longer mattered to anyone. No one needed me. I’m learning that I can matter to people even if they don’t actually need me. I struggle to deeply feel that in my gut, but intellectually I know it’s true and will keep working to really know it in my core.
Thank you for sharing insights of this book. I like the Said acronym. As far as where I feel I mattered it’s usually when I do acts of service which is my primary love language. It eases whatever problems you are facing when you are helping someone else. My husband of 33 years makes me feel I matter in his daily checks in, little gestures of smiles and soft looks of presence and kindness. It’s all the little things that add up to the big things. When people tell me I have inspired them or they will never forget a thoughtful gesture or kindness and how that made them feel is when I feel most seen. As an introvert I feel not seen in loud parties and people with big personalities as the performative act often drains me. But I do put myself out there when needed. I am moving slowly away from external measures and labels to measure my self worth. I feel if you come across authentic, make eye contact and smile that people are genuinely kind and good. I am high emphatic so I tend to be a worrier when someone I care about is struggling so in that sense being needed and useful is a measure for me.
I have to admit that my question is not whether I will matter again, but whether I will ever matter, or even whether I should crave mattering.
I understand what Jennifer means. After I was ousted by my church, lost most relationships, and what was sold to me as my life's purpose (to gain people for Christ), I could have asked, "Will I ever matter again?"
But my late diagnosis with autism made me realize upon close inspection that I never mattered. I was a tool, fit to support the system. I was used to bringing the dreams of my head pastor into fruition, and was told so straightforwardly ("The way to grow into your own calling is to support another's calling and dreams until you are found worthy and mature"—which I was not, even after 34 years of serving.)
I know it sounds terribly frustrated and pessimistic, but I have so much to give and almost nobody to give it to. I am not depressed, though. I just trust that what I write and say will someday help someone. But that is not where I derive my worth.
I am doubtful that the acronym SAID (feeling significant, appreciated, invested in, and depended on) is the meaning and purpose of an authentic life. For me, it shows too much dependency on two factors: my own desires and others' expectations.
I think that the stories show us ways back into "normality" rather than into personal growth and authenticity. They perpetuate, calcify, and petrify our belief that we only matter when others show us that we matter to them.
I know this is crucially honest and brutally blunt, but also rather abnormal to think. And I know that what I tell you next is merely my experience: The less I crave mattering, the more I matter to others.
What an interesting and thoughtful response. It has deepened my enjoyment of this article. As I think of your response, I realize that mattering to myself has to be at the core of why I’m seeking friends and activities. I want relationships where I matter to them because of my intrinsic value and not because I serve them. I want to value them in that same way. It requires vulnerability and honesty when I’m feeling weak or unqualified. So easy to say but hard for me. I used to feel worthy only when I helped others. I couldn’t feel deserving when I needed help. I’m trying to stop this habit of thinking. I’m a work in process. Thank you for sharing your viewpoint.
I always appreciate your forthright and thoughtful takes, Ralph. and the paradox you end with makes great sense to me.
Really enjoyed taking a former fellow worker to lunch on Tuesday. She was someone I worked directly with for years, but I had not seen her since I retired 7 years ago. But as I heard that she was now retiring I invited her! She was (and is), the best of the best of the best! We shared lots of good stories, but one of my favorites is that moment she came to my office just to chat for a moment (as she often did!). And I asked her a question then, I said, “I know who I feel I am, and I know inside what I mean, but I do not know how I come across, nor who I am to you”. In that moment she hesitated, and I said, “It’s OK, and it is important to me, anything that is true is fine”… and then she said, “well…. sometimes you can be a little scary!”. Of course not how I saw myself at all, but soooo important to know! And at lunch we talked about this past moment and laughed, and I said, “I’m very happy I’m not scary any more!”. Because… she matters!
How can someone as kind as you have come across as scary, I wonder.
You know I might not have asked this question, we always had a good relationship, but I did ask it, and glad I did. I was surprised by her answer. I had some customers who at times had demanding requirements, and we were all in that pressure cooker. I do feel there is a gap between who we see ourselves to be and the person the other receives, and that is the reason I asked her this question. Very enlightening!
This is such an important, but rarely discussed topic. When I was a younger woman, a wise friend and mentor, Misa Hopkins, taught me that the definition of love is feeling truly heard, seen and understood for who you are. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Yet, we all know that feeling deeply heard, seen and understood....all at once from a single person...is a rare event indeed. I challenge myself to offer this to others. Hopefully, I even succeed sometimes. And yes, I often feel that others do not like me. I hope to rise above caring what others think of me. It feels like a freeing place to live from.
A freeing place, but ultimately, I wonder if that's a possible goal? I wonder if a more possible goal is moving a little farther down the spectrum of caring less - as opposed to caring not at all?
Susan, you make a good point. Letting go of some of the weight i might give to others' opinions is a worthy goal. In fact, most of the time, that's exactly what I do.
The "me-search" concept resonates with me. My childhood was difficult but I was allowed to go to church (by myself and later, with my sister). At church adults took an interest in me and sat with me during the services. Sometimes I pretended they were my parents. As an adult I found myself sitting with children who were alone in church. First, I admired their desire to be there. One child came on her bike wearing a bathing suit. Everyone else in the house was asleep. (small town in MN). Then I realized I was doing the same thing that was done for me. I think this is pretty common, a way of making the present better than the past.
This gave me goosebumps, Joanne. And I agree that it's common - especially the desire to give to children what you wished for your own childhood self.