It kind of depends on the person for me. Sometimes I don't mind small talk while other times I want to dive a bit deeper. I do find small talk being more awkward though, so that may be another point for "deep talk" lol. I'll be working some where new soon, so I'll keep this in mind when talking to my coworkers
This is a BRILLIANT share. I always say I like to ‘go in deep’ - small talk kills me. It’s so much more exhausting that getting into the deeper stuff. That’s energising. Love the tips. 👌🏼
"Every conversation contains a series of small experiments." I love that, Susan. I often call small talk my favorite sandbox, because it's a wonderful place to practice leading the conversations you'd genuinely like to have.
Love the idea “Prove you are Listening”. I confess I hold people to that standard for sure. What has been most fascinating for me is how much people appreciate when you show that you are listening. We’ve become so accustom to people asking “How are you?” Without sticking around for the answer, that we are astonished when someone proves they are listening.I consider this the low hanging fruit of small talk going deeper.
Felt the fact. Being someone who talks on stage, I find it not worth going for a big talk with people. The article enhances on key components simplified and precise which makes it easy to understand and apply. The first of many articles I read from Susan. Bravo!
Couldn't agree more. Small talk, especially during crisis times, can be so disorienting and even alienating. In an effort to give us all many more options, I wrote a year's worth of daily alternatives to all the typical small talk questions. If anyone's interested to check it out, it's at https://weshouldgettogether.com/products/p/better-conversations-desktop-wallpapers
... and you can get 40+ of them for free on my blog. We all deserve better conversations and we're all capable to playing an active role in making that a reality. 💛
Kat with a K!! I just followed. I write about emotional Intelligence and I love your tips around relationship management. Thank you for these resources!! 🎈
The fact that everyone might indeed want deeper connections (which is debatable, but let's say it is true) does not mean that everyone is also competent or able to have deeper connections. It is one thing wanting something and quite another to actually be able and fit to do it.
On paper it looks like I’m a football coach but really what I do is help young kids learn how to talk to “big people” aka college coaches who have the power to say yes or no to their dreams. Even for extroverted hs football players they can find themselves mum when talking to a college coach - they’re deathly afraid of saying the wrong things. So many say nothing at all. Whereas just asking a few Qs like - How’d you get started coaching? What do you love most about it? What’s the most fulfilling moment of your coaching career? Those can be game changers in developing rapport.
I love these tips, especially the part about follow-up questions. They're a lifesaver for me, because sometimes I get nervous and my mind goes blank! It also helps me truly connect with what the other person is saying. Last week, a coworker mentioned she was stressed about a project, and instead of my usual 'Oh, that sucks,' I asked, 'What about the project has you most worried?' Turns out, we could brainstorm a solution together!
One of the disappointments for me in interactions is when people don't remember what we talked about in previous conversatons. As Susan mentioned, you sometimes feel people are just waiting for you to stop talking. Sometimes I have just told the person a story more than once because I know they won't recall it another time. I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe I'm proving to myself that people never listen or when I find myself at a loss for something to say I just fall back on an old topic because the person won't recall anyway. One of my friends that I value though would often tell me. "Oh yes. I remember when you told me about that." And I feel so validated when she does it. I try to do the same and let people know I was paying attention. If it's true sometimes I say, "I think about that time you told me so-and-so", and I hope that shows them I think about them even when they're not standing in front of me.
Small talk really serves the function of getting to a richer connection (or finding out if that's something you want to do). It shows willingness to connect. However, sometimes you get to the deep talk with people and they turn out to be either a deep disappointment or plain bore. It can be a lot more fun staying in the shallow end sometimes.
Robbie Samuels, a facilitator I met once, would ask "What keeps you busy in (city)?"
I loved it so much that I started using it myself. It gives the option to talk about work or life, and when people respond with I'm a (occupation), I can follow up with a question about that or say "So what else keeps you busy in..?
Since my husband Jake was diagnosed with a terminal recurrence of his head and neck cancer we placed a "moratorium on banalities." Any conversations, because of compact time, can't be about the weather or the latest t.v. show. We want to know each other more deeply, and our friends more deeply, and have them know Jake more deeply. I wrote about the way that cancer changes both the language we speak and the way we speak recently (https://open.substack.com/pub/bessstillman/p/death-speaks-its-own-language-bridging?r=16l8ek&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web) The only way is to just drop into the deep end. It's become a skill that I've applied to meeting new people. I find the ones I really connect with are the ones willing to sink their teeth into real topics, quickly.
So moved by your reflections and words. "Moratorium on banalities" is a powerful touchstone. It names the sanctuary I desired when I reflect upon my experience as a caregiver/advocate for a loved one with cancer, as well as my work with caregivers. Thank you, Bess, for your brilliant blog posts which help make meaning out of the chaos cancer can create.
It kind of depends on the person for me. Sometimes I don't mind small talk while other times I want to dive a bit deeper. I do find small talk being more awkward though, so that may be another point for "deep talk" lol. I'll be working some where new soon, so I'll keep this in mind when talking to my coworkers
This is a BRILLIANT share. I always say I like to ‘go in deep’ - small talk kills me. It’s so much more exhausting that getting into the deeper stuff. That’s energising. Love the tips. 👌🏼
"Every conversation contains a series of small experiments." I love that, Susan. I often call small talk my favorite sandbox, because it's a wonderful place to practice leading the conversations you'd genuinely like to have.
I wrote a two-part small talk survival guide specifically for creative and multifaceted humans with lots of other tips, and invite anyone to check it out: https://ecstaticvoice.substack.com/p/small-talk-survival-guide-holiday-part-1
Love the idea “Prove you are Listening”. I confess I hold people to that standard for sure. What has been most fascinating for me is how much people appreciate when you show that you are listening. We’ve become so accustom to people asking “How are you?” Without sticking around for the answer, that we are astonished when someone proves they are listening.I consider this the low hanging fruit of small talk going deeper.
I’m so tickled you included that clip from Arrested Development! 😃
I've always struggle with small talk, so I'm switching it up and asking deeper questions instead. Thanks for the tips!
Felt the fact. Being someone who talks on stage, I find it not worth going for a big talk with people. The article enhances on key components simplified and precise which makes it easy to understand and apply. The first of many articles I read from Susan. Bravo!
Couldn't agree more. Small talk, especially during crisis times, can be so disorienting and even alienating. In an effort to give us all many more options, I wrote a year's worth of daily alternatives to all the typical small talk questions. If anyone's interested to check it out, it's at https://weshouldgettogether.com/products/p/better-conversations-desktop-wallpapers
... and you can get 40+ of them for free on my blog. We all deserve better conversations and we're all capable to playing an active role in making that a reality. 💛
Kat with a K!! I just followed. I write about emotional Intelligence and I love your tips around relationship management. Thank you for these resources!! 🎈
The fact that everyone might indeed want deeper connections (which is debatable, but let's say it is true) does not mean that everyone is also competent or able to have deeper connections. It is one thing wanting something and quite another to actually be able and fit to do it.
On paper it looks like I’m a football coach but really what I do is help young kids learn how to talk to “big people” aka college coaches who have the power to say yes or no to their dreams. Even for extroverted hs football players they can find themselves mum when talking to a college coach - they’re deathly afraid of saying the wrong things. So many say nothing at all. Whereas just asking a few Qs like - How’d you get started coaching? What do you love most about it? What’s the most fulfilling moment of your coaching career? Those can be game changers in developing rapport.
I so so love this writing.
😊
Thank you.
I love these tips, especially the part about follow-up questions. They're a lifesaver for me, because sometimes I get nervous and my mind goes blank! It also helps me truly connect with what the other person is saying. Last week, a coworker mentioned she was stressed about a project, and instead of my usual 'Oh, that sucks,' I asked, 'What about the project has you most worried?' Turns out, we could brainstorm a solution together!
One of the disappointments for me in interactions is when people don't remember what we talked about in previous conversatons. As Susan mentioned, you sometimes feel people are just waiting for you to stop talking. Sometimes I have just told the person a story more than once because I know they won't recall it another time. I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe I'm proving to myself that people never listen or when I find myself at a loss for something to say I just fall back on an old topic because the person won't recall anyway. One of my friends that I value though would often tell me. "Oh yes. I remember when you told me about that." And I feel so validated when she does it. I try to do the same and let people know I was paying attention. If it's true sometimes I say, "I think about that time you told me so-and-so", and I hope that shows them I think about them even when they're not standing in front of me.
Small talk really serves the function of getting to a richer connection (or finding out if that's something you want to do). It shows willingness to connect. However, sometimes you get to the deep talk with people and they turn out to be either a deep disappointment or plain bore. It can be a lot more fun staying in the shallow end sometimes.
Robbie Samuels, a facilitator I met once, would ask "What keeps you busy in (city)?"
I loved it so much that I started using it myself. It gives the option to talk about work or life, and when people respond with I'm a (occupation), I can follow up with a question about that or say "So what else keeps you busy in..?
Since my husband Jake was diagnosed with a terminal recurrence of his head and neck cancer we placed a "moratorium on banalities." Any conversations, because of compact time, can't be about the weather or the latest t.v. show. We want to know each other more deeply, and our friends more deeply, and have them know Jake more deeply. I wrote about the way that cancer changes both the language we speak and the way we speak recently (https://open.substack.com/pub/bessstillman/p/death-speaks-its-own-language-bridging?r=16l8ek&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web) The only way is to just drop into the deep end. It's become a skill that I've applied to meeting new people. I find the ones I really connect with are the ones willing to sink their teeth into real topics, quickly.
So moved by your reflections and words. "Moratorium on banalities" is a powerful touchstone. It names the sanctuary I desired when I reflect upon my experience as a caregiver/advocate for a loved one with cancer, as well as my work with caregivers. Thank you, Bess, for your brilliant blog posts which help make meaning out of the chaos cancer can create.
Wow - Bess - I'm sorry. And also find this so inspiring. Thank you for sharing w us.