How to stand up for yourself

...without second-guessing your right to do so

Photograph by Thorben Ecke

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When I was a young corporate lawyer, I used to stay up late the night before a big negotiation, diligently preparing counter-arguments and justifications for our client's positions.

The senior partner I worked with (Peter D., if you’re reading this - that was you:)) observed me doing this and remarked, "You know, you can just say 'NO.'"

This had never occurred to me. I could feel a spring-like whiff of mental liberation, before my normal thought patterns intervened.

“No I can’t,” I said. “I need to EXPLAIN why I’m saying no.”

“Why?” said Peter.

And I realized I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know why. I was just sure that I had to justify my own (in this case, my client’s) boundaries. I had to justify myself.

Of course, often it really is much better for a relationship - whether business or personal - to explain your reasoning, rather than to just say a flat-out no. I care a LOT about politeness and consideration, and I’m sticking to that value.

But still. The reason I remember this exchange, all these years later, is that I knew that Peter was on to something.

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I thought about this recently, when Quiet Life community member Suzannah Chalick commented that her “fully mature self” would be “able to stand up for myself in the moment without second-guessing my justification” and would be “not afraid of expression”. (This was in response to my Kindred Letter on “Do you wonder whether you’ve achieved enough in life?”)

This wasn’t all that Suzannah said. She described herself as a child who’d been artistic, quietly curious, playful, and shy. She said she wished that she’d been accepted as her shy self.

I mention this because these two points - Suzannah’s shy temperament, and its non-acceptance by the adults in her life— are common pathways to a difficulty with standing up for oneself. As I wrote about in my Kindred Letter on feeling unsafe in groups, people with shy/sensitive temperaments often feel anxious about holding the line in a confrontation. But plenty of shy people do learn to stand up for themselves — and plenty of non-shy people develop this difficulty, too. I believe the real key to difficulties like Suzannah’s is not so much shyness but its non-acceptance - which for many children leads to a feeling of shame about their deepest nature.

And shame - whether of shyness, or red hair, or poverty, or belief systems, or any other attribute of one’s physical or emotional self - is often the main cause of doubting one’s own judgment, and feeling unsure about having a right to speak up. If shame has played a role in your life, it helps to be aware of how it can affect your ability to draw proper and cheerful boundaries.

Sorolla, “Niña en mar plateado,” 1909

Of course, there are other pathways to this difficulty. Maybe you experienced harsh consequences for standing up for yourself (or someone else) and now you’re operating under an unconscious once-bitten-twice-shy principle.

Or somewhere along the way you learned that other people’s wellbeing matters more than yours does.

Or maybe you just never learned the assertiveness skills you need, and have no idea how to deploy them.

If any of this rings true for you, here are six important things you can do.

1. The very first step is to make sure you actually know what you want, need, and think. This may seem obvious - and if this kind of knowledge comes naturally to you, then it is. But many people have learned to second-guess their own judgments - and even their own perceptions. This makes them easy targets for those who would challenge them. They start thinking “Maybe it didn’t really happen that way. Maybe I thought I was right but actually I was wrong. Maybe such-and-such really was my fault.” And suddenly they have no ground left to stand on. If this rings true for you, you may need to practice knowing what you think. This is a muscle you can exercise, just like any other. Try writing down your perceptions of murky situations, talking to your journal as if to a best friend (or talk to an actual best friend). Ask yourself: what is my best and truest account of what actually happened here? You can actually try writing “TRUTH” at the top of the page, and seeing what comes next.

2. Maybe you pretty much know the truth, but still avoid conflict. In this case, it’s time for the Stoic principle of imagining and mentally dealing with the worst, before it ever happens. Mentally rehearse what you’ll do if challenged. Visualize it in your mind. Ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen if I say what I think and the other person challenges me? Maybe they’ll lash out in response. Maybe they’ll stop talking to me. Maybe this will hurt. And yes, this is a real risk. But can you handle it? I think you can. And anyway, so will it hurt to hold your words in.

3. Learn how to center yourself physically. Even if you’re not physically threatened (and I hope you’re not!)*, the act of holding your ground - shoulders back, head up, eyes steady, voice calm if you can - will lend you courage.

4. Remember that assertiveness is not the same thing as aggression. You can express yourself - you can just plain say “no” to something - while still respecting others. In fact, the less fraught these situations become for you, the better you’ll be at cheerfully and politely communicating your needs and opinions, while listening to others too.

Art by Emma Haworth - please check out her gorgeous website

5. The time-honored advice to use “I” rather than “you” statements is a key to expressing yourself both assertively and politely. Rather than “you’re always late for dinner” you can say “I feel as if you don’t care, when you come late for dinner.” This also works for setting boundaries when you feel aggressed. You can simply say: “I’m not comfortable with you speaking to me that way.”

6. The magic way to deep emotional change is to proceed in bite-sized steps. I’m always talking about this in the arena of public speaking anxiety: the best way to overcome it is to practice speaking in small, low-stakes settings, and to gradually work your way up. The same is true here. Start small. Practice speaking up — and saying no — in manageable situations, until you get the hang of it. One day you’ll forget that this was ever an issue for you.

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I would love to know if you found these ideas helpful.

In the meantime, you could also ask yourself (and share with us the answers, if you’d like) these three questions:

• To what extent do you “know your own mind”? Is there a difference between how well you know it when you’re on your own, vs. when sharing your mind with others?

• Which seems worse to you: holding your thoughts and feelings in, or exposing them to potential criticism?

• If item #6 (proceeding in bite-sized steps) resonated with you, what’s the first step you’d like to take?

*Note - the above advice is NOT meant to apply to situations of physical threat, for which I hope you will see appropriate help!! And for “simply” emotional, non-physical situations, it could also help to speak to a therapist, counselor, or similar.