One of my early memories probably from my first or second school year was that I was standing in front of a big tree and a boy told me to move away from it. I told him I would not move and stayed in place. So he threw a stone/rock and it hit me in the head. I laugh at it now but I think I am still that little girl who deeply believes if I stand my ground I will get hit by a rock.
All of the six advices are important. Knowing what I need, think and want is a progress cannot come overnight, it requires time, more knowledge with experience, an excellent team of work if you were lucky enough to have this one. To know how I centre myself, to discuss fiercely, are significant to keep position and pace up. More importantly, unfortunately, just I have recently discovered it that not all things I hear from other individuals even they are professional and experts should I take it seriously or I believe it or I care about it, not all information they give sometimes regarding business should be correct. So I mean I have to make sure of any information I hear and the value of this information which sometimes could be not worthy anymore. They give just to showing off, which I can’t stand.
‘Knowing what you want need and think’. I’m wondering if anyone can relate to the sense of not being able to know these things because of an overwhelming fear that to focus on these things is a selfish business. Are not others’ wants and needs to be put before our own if one is seeking to live unselfishly?
Thanks for this poignant read, Susan! I resonated so much, especially with #2. For me, beyond conflict, I tend to wonder if stating my point of view obscures other perspectives, that I might not be seeing the whole picture. It’s fodder for self-doubt, I know, but because there is power in my self-expression, I often want to be as accurate as possible. Yet it’s a Sisyphean task! So what you wrote about shame and self-acceptance hit home. 🏡 I’ve been struggling with that in my storytelling, dancing between being real and feeling discomfort in the face of it.
The very first resonated a lot with me - and since I first read last week’s letter, I’ve been asking myself several times why is it that I’m normally quite quick to understand, get the idea etc. - on a rational level, but very really take the time to ‘really’ consider its meaning / impact, or feel the impact - so, react quickly and later notice that it was far too quick - or I bite my tongue because I’m also quick / good in sensing other people or the ‘room’ and in order to avoid conflict, do not express my opinion.
Unfortunately, the later can lead to ‘blow ups’ which I try to avoid because it’s at all the way to ‘dicuss’ different opinions - clearly, a lot to learn for me, bite size steps seems a very good advice! Thank you!
Hmmm lovely read, pretty exhausted this week but I'll try to respond.
Growing up standing up for yourself was dangerous, usually met getting beat up..., or reminded how worthless I was... Expression your true self wasn't welcome in my household. I grew up protecting my free thought, my love, my soul. I lock it in deepest parts of my heart so one could take away. Want to write more but so exhausted and my head hurts hard to focus.. Standing up for yourself though is a key ingredient I feel to living a authentic life. Much Love and Cheers to Beautiful Souls who put all out there regardless of the cost!!
The item #6 I believe that success always starts from scratch. To grow small opportunities, business and knowledge should start from tiny things. To run a business effectively you need to know the life product cycle, without knowing what is going on and conditions of your business you will fail.
I love this… so much of this was the old me and yet reading it still has a little sense of triggering effect on me. I find that “NO” has become a lot easier for me to say as I grow up, these days, and to stand in it and really own it. I once had a teacher that always would say to me, NO is a complete sentence, with a period at the end. So now when I say no it feels so much more meaningful and worth the effort. When someone stands up to my no I simply tell them, because, it doesn’t feel good to me and I found as soon as you mention the “feel” word they run away pretty quickly. Lol… thanks for the words!
I had an "ah hah" moment in my quest for "self-understanding" and then read this post which helped me clarify what that inkling meant. I live a quite isolated life in real time. So I spend a lot of time on the dreaded "social media" and have often challenged people on X Twitter about my favorite subjects/passions. Over the past few weeks I have felt guilty and stressed that I am "wasting my time" and not doing "more important things". Thinking that I have sunk to some kind of low that people often think about when they think of social media.
And then, making coffee in the kitchen this morning I suddenly had a blinding moment of understanding: when I was an adolescent/teen I really wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to study journalism at university. But my family laughed at me. They acknowledged that I wrote well but they said I was "too sensitive", "would never be able to convince people...." And so on. So I didn't become a journalist but throughout my work life I was a "fixer", went into businesses, sussed out where the problems were and changed operations. Quite successfully and, when I wasn't popular with some, I weathered it because seeing something improve, people's attitudes toward their jobs improve, gave me pleasure.
When I retired and moved to a completely different cultural environment I felt jittery, like there was something I wanted to continue doing but I had such tremendous pushback from this closed "we don't need new ideas, especially 'foreign' ones". So I turned to an online community and although it can be frustrating dealing with trolls and people who are bananas, it's not like I never encountered that before in my work career as a manager. And I've noticed that I am getting more and more likes and reposts on some of the subjects that I am very familiar with. In a way, as I stirred my coffee this morning, I reflected that I HAVE finally become a "journalist"--someone who writes about a subject they feel passionate about, have researched. And yes I have learned to be care-full about how I write. And as I listened to Susan's Audible "A Quiet Life in 7 Steps" she says at the end (paraphrasing a bit I think) "your community may be an online community...." For me, it can even be X Twitter, carefully managed and monitored ;)
Yes, we CAN find our carefully curated and managed communities online—where we can express our authentic selves and feel a sense of safety and belonging. Like this one here, thanks to our thoughtful and growth-minded friend Susan Cain. 😊🙏
Reading this post, and all of the comments that follow, it is helpful to know that I am not alone with these thoughts. I'll be sure to spend some time on the steps you have outlined. Thank you!
Number 2 resonates with me so much. You said, Susan, "Maybe you pretty much know the truth, but still avoid conflict. In this case, it’s time for the Stoic principle of imagining and mentally dealing with the worst, before it ever happens. Mentally rehearse what you’ll do if challenged. Visualize it in your mind. Ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen if I say what I think and the other person challenges me? Maybe they’ll lash out in response. Maybe they’ll stop talking to me. Maybe this will hurt. And yes, this is a real risk. But can you handle it? I think you can. And anyway, so will it hurt to hold your words in."
I often go through the motions of deciding if I should speak up, imagining how it might go, particularly with one family member. I know what I want to say will create backlash, that she'll be on the defensive, that it will turn ugly. I've visited that place before with her and, honestly, I can't handle it. So, I keep the words locked up, and yes it hurts to hold it all in. Oddly, the thoughts I want to share with this person are very similar to ones she shared with me about her father-in-law, a particular situation that bothered her so much, but yet she is, in some ways, doing the same to my family. I know it's crazy, because she should understand the place I'm coming from, but I also know her temperament and it wouldn't be pretty. I am just no good in those situations. I crumble. I feel guilty for having brought it up. I apologize. Even though I know my stance on this is justified, I still can't bring myself to mention it.
In other situations, though, I feel a little more confident about standing up for my beliefs and thoughts. I guess the closeness of the relationship might have something to do with it. I've lost several people throughout my life, for various reasons, and losing another seems to outweigh what I might have to hold inside.
I find this discussion very helpful to prompt self-reflection. I will try to work on using the "I" rather than "you" from #5. When I think back on past challenges, I have definitely second-guessed myself while being challenged.
While I know that I always try to act and speak rightly and correctly based on the facts known at that time, and I don't doubt that, usually a challenge comes at a later time, when hindsight gives greater clarity. In those situations, I have definitely demonstrated humility and doubt in past thinking and decisions that I have made, perhaps to an absurd extreme. It is difficult to be utterly sure of myself and all my decisions when I am trying to value the perspectives of others and to be flexible in my understanding of the world.
I agree that it is important to know what I need and think, but I will never, I think, believe that I am always right and never question my own decisions. Can I defend myself based on what was known at the time? Sure. When someone is verbally aggressive and attacking me, it is then difficult to do that calmly, and it is hard to be diplomatic in those situations.
I find it interesting that I tend to be more assertive and sure of myself at work than I have been at home, because I learned that being right, winning arguments, and fixing problems is not always what a personal relationship demands. Being an engineer and having that mindset makes this compromise a difficult and hard-won lesson, especially when those around me don't truly understand it.
Assertiveness and confidence are traits that do not come naturally to me, but circumstances early in my life pushed me to work on those things, and I have been trying to become more diplomatic about them ever since through failure, which is the best teacher.
One of my early memories probably from my first or second school year was that I was standing in front of a big tree and a boy told me to move away from it. I told him I would not move and stayed in place. So he threw a stone/rock and it hit me in the head. I laugh at it now but I think I am still that little girl who deeply believes if I stand my ground I will get hit by a rock.
how amazing though that your first instinct, at such a young age, was to stand your ground.
This is a very helpful piece. Thank you for the lessons.
Nice! This is the fourth time I read it and I enjoyed it
And Sossoo!
I can never be surprised when you write how you care about to say no because you don’t like to say no.
Susan Cain you are our candle on this planet, you are polite, kind, great, humble, down to earth.
You are ineffable person.
Thanks Sossoo!
All of the six advices are important. Knowing what I need, think and want is a progress cannot come overnight, it requires time, more knowledge with experience, an excellent team of work if you were lucky enough to have this one. To know how I centre myself, to discuss fiercely, are significant to keep position and pace up. More importantly, unfortunately, just I have recently discovered it that not all things I hear from other individuals even they are professional and experts should I take it seriously or I believe it or I care about it, not all information they give sometimes regarding business should be correct. So I mean I have to make sure of any information I hear and the value of this information which sometimes could be not worthy anymore. They give just to showing off, which I can’t stand.
‘Knowing what you want need and think’. I’m wondering if anyone can relate to the sense of not being able to know these things because of an overwhelming fear that to focus on these things is a selfish business. Are not others’ wants and needs to be put before our own if one is seeking to live unselfishly?
Thanks for this poignant read, Susan! I resonated so much, especially with #2. For me, beyond conflict, I tend to wonder if stating my point of view obscures other perspectives, that I might not be seeing the whole picture. It’s fodder for self-doubt, I know, but because there is power in my self-expression, I often want to be as accurate as possible. Yet it’s a Sisyphean task! So what you wrote about shame and self-acceptance hit home. 🏡 I’ve been struggling with that in my storytelling, dancing between being real and feeling discomfort in the face of it.
Sorolla’s painting is superb!
The very first resonated a lot with me - and since I first read last week’s letter, I’ve been asking myself several times why is it that I’m normally quite quick to understand, get the idea etc. - on a rational level, but very really take the time to ‘really’ consider its meaning / impact, or feel the impact - so, react quickly and later notice that it was far too quick - or I bite my tongue because I’m also quick / good in sensing other people or the ‘room’ and in order to avoid conflict, do not express my opinion.
Unfortunately, the later can lead to ‘blow ups’ which I try to avoid because it’s at all the way to ‘dicuss’ different opinions - clearly, a lot to learn for me, bite size steps seems a very good advice! Thank you!
Hmmm lovely read, pretty exhausted this week but I'll try to respond.
Growing up standing up for yourself was dangerous, usually met getting beat up..., or reminded how worthless I was... Expression your true self wasn't welcome in my household. I grew up protecting my free thought, my love, my soul. I lock it in deepest parts of my heart so one could take away. Want to write more but so exhausted and my head hurts hard to focus.. Standing up for yourself though is a key ingredient I feel to living a authentic life. Much Love and Cheers to Beautiful Souls who put all out there regardless of the cost!!
🌹🌹🌹
The item #6 I believe that success always starts from scratch. To grow small opportunities, business and knowledge should start from tiny things. To run a business effectively you need to know the life product cycle, without knowing what is going on and conditions of your business you will fail.
I love this… so much of this was the old me and yet reading it still has a little sense of triggering effect on me. I find that “NO” has become a lot easier for me to say as I grow up, these days, and to stand in it and really own it. I once had a teacher that always would say to me, NO is a complete sentence, with a period at the end. So now when I say no it feels so much more meaningful and worth the effort. When someone stands up to my no I simply tell them, because, it doesn’t feel good to me and I found as soon as you mention the “feel” word they run away pretty quickly. Lol… thanks for the words!
I had an "ah hah" moment in my quest for "self-understanding" and then read this post which helped me clarify what that inkling meant. I live a quite isolated life in real time. So I spend a lot of time on the dreaded "social media" and have often challenged people on X Twitter about my favorite subjects/passions. Over the past few weeks I have felt guilty and stressed that I am "wasting my time" and not doing "more important things". Thinking that I have sunk to some kind of low that people often think about when they think of social media.
And then, making coffee in the kitchen this morning I suddenly had a blinding moment of understanding: when I was an adolescent/teen I really wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to study journalism at university. But my family laughed at me. They acknowledged that I wrote well but they said I was "too sensitive", "would never be able to convince people...." And so on. So I didn't become a journalist but throughout my work life I was a "fixer", went into businesses, sussed out where the problems were and changed operations. Quite successfully and, when I wasn't popular with some, I weathered it because seeing something improve, people's attitudes toward their jobs improve, gave me pleasure.
When I retired and moved to a completely different cultural environment I felt jittery, like there was something I wanted to continue doing but I had such tremendous pushback from this closed "we don't need new ideas, especially 'foreign' ones". So I turned to an online community and although it can be frustrating dealing with trolls and people who are bananas, it's not like I never encountered that before in my work career as a manager. And I've noticed that I am getting more and more likes and reposts on some of the subjects that I am very familiar with. In a way, as I stirred my coffee this morning, I reflected that I HAVE finally become a "journalist"--someone who writes about a subject they feel passionate about, have researched. And yes I have learned to be care-full about how I write. And as I listened to Susan's Audible "A Quiet Life in 7 Steps" she says at the end (paraphrasing a bit I think) "your community may be an online community...." For me, it can even be X Twitter, carefully managed and monitored ;)
Valerie,
Yes, we CAN find our carefully curated and managed communities online—where we can express our authentic selves and feel a sense of safety and belonging. Like this one here, thanks to our thoughtful and growth-minded friend Susan Cain. 😊🙏
Reading this post, and all of the comments that follow, it is helpful to know that I am not alone with these thoughts. I'll be sure to spend some time on the steps you have outlined. Thank you!
Number 2 resonates with me so much. You said, Susan, "Maybe you pretty much know the truth, but still avoid conflict. In this case, it’s time for the Stoic principle of imagining and mentally dealing with the worst, before it ever happens. Mentally rehearse what you’ll do if challenged. Visualize it in your mind. Ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen if I say what I think and the other person challenges me? Maybe they’ll lash out in response. Maybe they’ll stop talking to me. Maybe this will hurt. And yes, this is a real risk. But can you handle it? I think you can. And anyway, so will it hurt to hold your words in."
I often go through the motions of deciding if I should speak up, imagining how it might go, particularly with one family member. I know what I want to say will create backlash, that she'll be on the defensive, that it will turn ugly. I've visited that place before with her and, honestly, I can't handle it. So, I keep the words locked up, and yes it hurts to hold it all in. Oddly, the thoughts I want to share with this person are very similar to ones she shared with me about her father-in-law, a particular situation that bothered her so much, but yet she is, in some ways, doing the same to my family. I know it's crazy, because she should understand the place I'm coming from, but I also know her temperament and it wouldn't be pretty. I am just no good in those situations. I crumble. I feel guilty for having brought it up. I apologize. Even though I know my stance on this is justified, I still can't bring myself to mention it.
In other situations, though, I feel a little more confident about standing up for my beliefs and thoughts. I guess the closeness of the relationship might have something to do with it. I've lost several people throughout my life, for various reasons, and losing another seems to outweigh what I might have to hold inside.
For you Nancy, and for all of us, from the extraordinary Sara Bareilles:
https://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4?si=4UHX672pH3K4_DjF
My new favorite song. Brought tears to my eyes. We should all be authentic and stop holding stuff inside.
💜😊
I find this discussion very helpful to prompt self-reflection. I will try to work on using the "I" rather than "you" from #5. When I think back on past challenges, I have definitely second-guessed myself while being challenged.
While I know that I always try to act and speak rightly and correctly based on the facts known at that time, and I don't doubt that, usually a challenge comes at a later time, when hindsight gives greater clarity. In those situations, I have definitely demonstrated humility and doubt in past thinking and decisions that I have made, perhaps to an absurd extreme. It is difficult to be utterly sure of myself and all my decisions when I am trying to value the perspectives of others and to be flexible in my understanding of the world.
I agree that it is important to know what I need and think, but I will never, I think, believe that I am always right and never question my own decisions. Can I defend myself based on what was known at the time? Sure. When someone is verbally aggressive and attacking me, it is then difficult to do that calmly, and it is hard to be diplomatic in those situations.
I find it interesting that I tend to be more assertive and sure of myself at work than I have been at home, because I learned that being right, winning arguments, and fixing problems is not always what a personal relationship demands. Being an engineer and having that mindset makes this compromise a difficult and hard-won lesson, especially when those around me don't truly understand it.
Assertiveness and confidence are traits that do not come naturally to me, but circumstances early in my life pushed me to work on those things, and I have been trying to become more diplomatic about them ever since through failure, which is the best teacher.