Saying no is like hitting the emergency brake on the Commitment Train - it's a lifesaver! Without it, you'd be careening out of control, promising to attend every birthday party, dog-sit for your neighbor's goldfish, and volunteer for that one aunt's cousin's charity event. Before you know it, you're drowning in a sea of obligations, wondering why you can't just stay home and binge-watch Netflix in peace. Saying no is like setting boundaries with a superhero cape - it protects your time, energy, and sanity from the villainous forces of Overcommitment.
I am just learning about this boundary thing in my mid-fifties. Would have saved myself a lot of resentment and hurt if I had learned it was ok to say no earlier in life. The need to be polite and available runs deep. It’s a steep learning curve, but it is feeling more comfortable the more I try it on. Thank you x
These letters are hilarious! "For Secret Reasons" sounds like what someone wants to put in their Out of Office reply, but would never be able to get away with it. LOL
Not being able to say "No" is one of my weaknesses that I haven’t overcome yet. I'm so grateful to Substack's algorithm for giving me the opportunity to read this post. I'll start experimenting now, but I think the advice that will work best for me is learning not to feel hurt if I receive a "No." The more uncomfortable I feel receiving a no, the more I'll push myself not to hurt others by saying "No." Empathy-level 100, here!
Susan, Alexandra, thanks so much for writing this post. It really opened a new perspective on a "problem" I haven't been able to deal with so far.
I needed to hear that no is a complete sentence. I always feel like I have to explain myself and justify the boundaries I set. Lately, I try to remind myself to “sit on my hands.” It gives me some time and space to breathe and think about what I really want, instead of jumping in and doing what others ask of me.
I chuckled at number 2 - Remember that "no" is a complete sentence. How it's hard for me not to justify myself! I really have to literally stop myself from adding justifications. I recall one particular event at work, in my previous role a few years ago, when one of my senior associate who meant well told me that I should stop justifying myself (I had to take a sick leave on that day as I was feeling unwell and sent him a note to inform him, adding a lot of explanations about my symptoms). That comment really stuck with me. It did not make it easy for me to 'stop' altogether - it still kind of come as an automatic reflex - but now I really try to be mindful about it and stop myself. I guess that is self-respect too! But it's hard to unlearn those habits and be more assertive about my own needs.
so funny - I had a similar experience when I was a young lawyer prepping for a negotiation and the partner I was working with told me I didn't need to justify saying 'no' to this or that point. That was a total revelation. Until he said that, I really thought that elaborate explanations were required.
For starters, I'm definitely stealing Harold Pinter's version of declining any requests of my time, lol....
Thank you for this wonderful post. Simple and insightful ways of setting boundaries that demonstrate we are not terrible for setting them. And I shared the post to my FB feed so others can gain the courage to set their own boundaries with ease.
Very helpful insights. Very validating for me. I need to practice feeling confident about saying no without feeling guilty or like I’m a disappointment. And thank you for the letters that bring humor and levity and validate setting boundaries by saying no.
I like the idea of integrating back "yes" into our lives. And the idea of saying no unapologetically, "for secret reasons" is something us Quiet people value so much.
I will watch the conversation with Lexi. She looks like an insightful and lovely person.
I've always felt sort of a contrarian, so this also brings kindness and love into this view which sometimes might be considered as unpolite, and I think we need some of it.
This discussion reminds of the phrase I have come to love:
“Clarity is kindness.” The clarity of a simple “no” is an act of kindness to yourself and others.
Saying no is like hitting the emergency brake on the Commitment Train - it's a lifesaver! Without it, you'd be careening out of control, promising to attend every birthday party, dog-sit for your neighbor's goldfish, and volunteer for that one aunt's cousin's charity event. Before you know it, you're drowning in a sea of obligations, wondering why you can't just stay home and binge-watch Netflix in peace. Saying no is like setting boundaries with a superhero cape - it protects your time, energy, and sanity from the villainous forces of Overcommitment.
Thank you Susan and Alexandra for sharing this.
you're welcome, Ella!
Thank you for this post. I have purchased Alexandra's book and enjoying it.
you're welcome, Jeffrey!
I am just learning about this boundary thing in my mid-fifties. Would have saved myself a lot of resentment and hurt if I had learned it was ok to say no earlier in life. The need to be polite and available runs deep. It’s a steep learning curve, but it is feeling more comfortable the more I try it on. Thank you x
I know what you mean. I can't remember when I first heard of it - but later than I should have.
These letters are hilarious! "For Secret Reasons" sounds like what someone wants to put in their Out of Office reply, but would never be able to get away with it. LOL
Not being able to say "No" is one of my weaknesses that I haven’t overcome yet. I'm so grateful to Substack's algorithm for giving me the opportunity to read this post. I'll start experimenting now, but I think the advice that will work best for me is learning not to feel hurt if I receive a "No." The more uncomfortable I feel receiving a no, the more I'll push myself not to hurt others by saying "No." Empathy-level 100, here!
Susan, Alexandra, thanks so much for writing this post. It really opened a new perspective on a "problem" I haven't been able to deal with so far.
you're so welcome
That Harold Pinter letter is perfection. I might print it out and stick it on my wall.
I know - I think it's the bit about the "top London restaurant" that makes me LOL every time I see it.
Oh the empowerment of saying no!
I needed to hear that no is a complete sentence. I always feel like I have to explain myself and justify the boundaries I set. Lately, I try to remind myself to “sit on my hands.” It gives me some time and space to breathe and think about what I really want, instead of jumping in and doing what others ask of me.
My saying no must also imply that I respect that person’s right to say no also without resenting it. Thanks for the good advice.
I chuckled at number 2 - Remember that "no" is a complete sentence. How it's hard for me not to justify myself! I really have to literally stop myself from adding justifications. I recall one particular event at work, in my previous role a few years ago, when one of my senior associate who meant well told me that I should stop justifying myself (I had to take a sick leave on that day as I was feeling unwell and sent him a note to inform him, adding a lot of explanations about my symptoms). That comment really stuck with me. It did not make it easy for me to 'stop' altogether - it still kind of come as an automatic reflex - but now I really try to be mindful about it and stop myself. I guess that is self-respect too! But it's hard to unlearn those habits and be more assertive about my own needs.
so funny - I had a similar experience when I was a young lawyer prepping for a negotiation and the partner I was working with told me I didn't need to justify saying 'no' to this or that point. That was a total revelation. Until he said that, I really thought that elaborate explanations were required.
For starters, I'm definitely stealing Harold Pinter's version of declining any requests of my time, lol....
Thank you for this wonderful post. Simple and insightful ways of setting boundaries that demonstrate we are not terrible for setting them. And I shared the post to my FB feed so others can gain the courage to set their own boundaries with ease.
Very helpful insights. Very validating for me. I need to practice feeling confident about saying no without feeling guilty or like I’m a disappointment. And thank you for the letters that bring humor and levity and validate setting boundaries by saying no.
I've had to learn to keep boundaries in place and decide how permeable they need to be for each situation.
I like the idea of integrating back "yes" into our lives. And the idea of saying no unapologetically, "for secret reasons" is something us Quiet people value so much.
I will watch the conversation with Lexi. She looks like an insightful and lovely person.
I've always felt sort of a contrarian, so this also brings kindness and love into this view which sometimes might be considered as unpolite, and I think we need some of it.