Love this, Susan. I love how Adam simplifies and clarifies this and makes sense of exactly what it is that we connect with--the vulnerability but not over-sharing and making someone uncomfortable. Another demonstration of how intuitively brilliant we humans are when we take a deeper look at things!
Just a few days ago, I was sitting in a fairly deserted hospital hallway waiting for my husband who was having an in-patient procedure. I was reading the book Attention Span by Gloria Mark. A woman walked by and asked, "Is that a good book?" I replied that it was and commented how interesting it was learning about the factors, internal and external, that have created shortened attention spans. Her work tag said, "Chaplain," but she said she was a psychologist by education. I told her I was a retired speech and language pathologist and enjoyed reading anything in the realm of neuroscience/psychology (language, brain, mind, consciousness). She said her mother was an SLP who specialized in fluency (stuttering). We continued to talk about brain/psychology topics for about five more minutes. Then she asked why I was waiting and I explained that my husband was getting a biopsy to see if his cancer of four years ago had metastasized. She clutched my hand and said all the right things. Then she was called away. I don't even know her name, but that interaction will stay with me forever.
I'm so happy that Adam connected us Susan! In addition to our conversation, at the conference I also talked with Charles Duhigg, Erica Dhawan, and Vanessa Bohns about how the quality of our conversations (and our questions) is so important if we truly want to connect with our 'kindred spirits,' as you always say. It's why us deep thinkers hate small talk so much!
A running theme through all of these conversations was that vulnerability is what often brings us closer. The more we are willing to drop our guards and share things that are more human, the faster we really connect. This is something Adam talks about in Vibe as well.
If it's helpful for introverts, another trick that helps us overcome the fear of reaching out is thinking about connecting with others as an act of service. How can we show our admiration for someone's work so they feel seen? How can we ask better, deeper questions so they can tell stories about themselves and feel heard? And if/when the time comes, how can we share our challenges with them and ask for support so they can also feel useful to someone else?
Another one of my amazing speakers, Jayson Gaignard (author of 'Community Made') said he's TERRIBLE at asking people for help. I too am guilty as charged. But he realized he's missing an amazing opportunity to connect with others because we love helping people. And being helpful allows us to be of service to our kindred spirits. That was a big 'a ha' moment for me that is perhaps helpful for your readers as well.
This just gave me a moment to recollect a wonderful relationship, with a natural deep communicator.
No real magical formula in the start of it, nor was the start of it deep in any way whatsoever. Fact of the matter is, as a very young boy, I found her beautiful, and that always made me shy.
But I am prone to brief moments of audacity, and one of these came my way one Saturday morning, and I walked out of my garage in the general direction of her house, 5 miles away! After some time, I was within half a mile, and realized I had a big problem: What do I say after I knock on that door? Nothing else but humor would work, and as her mother called her to the door, I said, “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.”
Looking around, seeing no car, no bike, she asked, “You walked?”
“Yes, I did, every step!”
She laughed and invited me in.
I think it’s a fun memory to recall, but I had no idea what a great bargain I had made. She wasn’t just beautiful. She is probably the most natural communicator I have ever met! In the years that passed after that audacious decision, to take that risk, I found the most vital connection of my young life. Back in the early days while I was reading CS Lewis, and so was she. I’m very grateful for the memories!
But, I can’t really tell you why or how, or what it is that she has that made it so easy for me to be with her. I’d just say she played the common fiddle that I am like the finest Stradivarius, but she was just made that way. Rare, but wonderful.
Finally! This was my hunch for years, and almost everyone told me small talk was necessary to open doors and build trust. In my experience, most relationships never progress past small talk once they start there.
I lived in two churches for 17 years each, both fairly stable groups with little fluctuation and a stable core, and I was certainly part of that core. We met several times a week and spent hours together. I cannot remember a relationship that progressed beyond small talk and a handful of superficial, unsanctioned religious topics.
When I look at my coachees, we are more successful. I'm usually a stranger to them when we first meet, and I hear about their biggest challenges within minutes. But that is the nature of the game. So I am told.
I have to admit, though, that I cannot relate to the set of questions given as starters for deep conversations. What’s your biggest challenge right now? What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend? What role does love play in your life? Would you like to be famous? How would you describe a perfect day? When did you last cry? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? — Really? (The answers are: Money; reading a book after sleeping in; define love; no; see my answer about the weekend; I don't remember; she's dead.)
These questions seem to go from ankle-deep to knee-deep at best, using an image from the book of Hesekiel in the Bible.
I yearn for talks during which my counterpart forgets time because I have opened up their special interest. I want to leave having learned about the person—by seeing their deepest passion—and the topic, whatever they choose.
I love learning, have a fast mind, and broad knowledge. Usually, I can at least contribute some questions that spur on the conversation, if not contribute to the topic itself. Thus, I will leave with a deep sense of connection.
The other person will do the same, having a rare opportunity to talk about their spin without overwhelming me.
I know my conversation opener is risky, but frankly, I don't want to build a relationship with most people who don't respond because they find it funny or off.
Here we go: "I am autistic, and I love to talk about my special interests. What are yours?"
I love love love this topic. And isn't it interesting that we know how to go deeply quickly when given the instructions. In the past, I have sometimes gone too quickly with this ....it takes pacing and sensitivity, I think. And it can be a moment of depth that you both acknowledge with no expectations for anything more or in the future, but no less valuable. It is a moment when my soul sighs, takes a breath, feels seen and heard, and calms for a moment. And I hope to give the same to others. Even with more surface conversations, I think that the intention and manner of paid attention can contribute to depth. I can ask how someone is, they can give me an answer with a hint of something deeper, but not want to go into in at the moment, and I can acknowledge that I heard and saw them, and respect their timing. Seeing someone also means seeing their boundary and vulnerability and respecting that in the moment, while letting them know that you are there if they wish to share more. Even the quality of eye contact and facial expression can signal I am here if and when you may be ready to share more, and I see and hear you and wish you well.
Love this, Susan. I love how Adam simplifies and clarifies this and makes sense of exactly what it is that we connect with--the vulnerability but not over-sharing and making someone uncomfortable. Another demonstration of how intuitively brilliant we humans are when we take a deeper look at things!
Just a few days ago, I was sitting in a fairly deserted hospital hallway waiting for my husband who was having an in-patient procedure. I was reading the book Attention Span by Gloria Mark. A woman walked by and asked, "Is that a good book?" I replied that it was and commented how interesting it was learning about the factors, internal and external, that have created shortened attention spans. Her work tag said, "Chaplain," but she said she was a psychologist by education. I told her I was a retired speech and language pathologist and enjoyed reading anything in the realm of neuroscience/psychology (language, brain, mind, consciousness). She said her mother was an SLP who specialized in fluency (stuttering). We continued to talk about brain/psychology topics for about five more minutes. Then she asked why I was waiting and I explained that my husband was getting a biopsy to see if his cancer of four years ago had metastasized. She clutched my hand and said all the right things. Then she was called away. I don't even know her name, but that interaction will stay with me forever.
I'm so happy that Adam connected us Susan! In addition to our conversation, at the conference I also talked with Charles Duhigg, Erica Dhawan, and Vanessa Bohns about how the quality of our conversations (and our questions) is so important if we truly want to connect with our 'kindred spirits,' as you always say. It's why us deep thinkers hate small talk so much!
A running theme through all of these conversations was that vulnerability is what often brings us closer. The more we are willing to drop our guards and share things that are more human, the faster we really connect. This is something Adam talks about in Vibe as well.
If it's helpful for introverts, another trick that helps us overcome the fear of reaching out is thinking about connecting with others as an act of service. How can we show our admiration for someone's work so they feel seen? How can we ask better, deeper questions so they can tell stories about themselves and feel heard? And if/when the time comes, how can we share our challenges with them and ask for support so they can also feel useful to someone else?
Another one of my amazing speakers, Jayson Gaignard (author of 'Community Made') said he's TERRIBLE at asking people for help. I too am guilty as charged. But he realized he's missing an amazing opportunity to connect with others because we love helping people. And being helpful allows us to be of service to our kindred spirits. That was a big 'a ha' moment for me that is perhaps helpful for your readers as well.
This just gave me a moment to recollect a wonderful relationship, with a natural deep communicator.
No real magical formula in the start of it, nor was the start of it deep in any way whatsoever. Fact of the matter is, as a very young boy, I found her beautiful, and that always made me shy.
But I am prone to brief moments of audacity, and one of these came my way one Saturday morning, and I walked out of my garage in the general direction of her house, 5 miles away! After some time, I was within half a mile, and realized I had a big problem: What do I say after I knock on that door? Nothing else but humor would work, and as her mother called her to the door, I said, “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.”
Looking around, seeing no car, no bike, she asked, “You walked?”
“Yes, I did, every step!”
She laughed and invited me in.
I think it’s a fun memory to recall, but I had no idea what a great bargain I had made. She wasn’t just beautiful. She is probably the most natural communicator I have ever met! In the years that passed after that audacious decision, to take that risk, I found the most vital connection of my young life. Back in the early days while I was reading CS Lewis, and so was she. I’m very grateful for the memories!
But, I can’t really tell you why or how, or what it is that she has that made it so easy for me to be with her. I’d just say she played the common fiddle that I am like the finest Stradivarius, but she was just made that way. Rare, but wonderful.
Finally! This was my hunch for years, and almost everyone told me small talk was necessary to open doors and build trust. In my experience, most relationships never progress past small talk once they start there.
I lived in two churches for 17 years each, both fairly stable groups with little fluctuation and a stable core, and I was certainly part of that core. We met several times a week and spent hours together. I cannot remember a relationship that progressed beyond small talk and a handful of superficial, unsanctioned religious topics.
When I look at my coachees, we are more successful. I'm usually a stranger to them when we first meet, and I hear about their biggest challenges within minutes. But that is the nature of the game. So I am told.
I have to admit, though, that I cannot relate to the set of questions given as starters for deep conversations. What’s your biggest challenge right now? What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend? What role does love play in your life? Would you like to be famous? How would you describe a perfect day? When did you last cry? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? — Really? (The answers are: Money; reading a book after sleeping in; define love; no; see my answer about the weekend; I don't remember; she's dead.)
These questions seem to go from ankle-deep to knee-deep at best, using an image from the book of Hesekiel in the Bible.
I yearn for talks during which my counterpart forgets time because I have opened up their special interest. I want to leave having learned about the person—by seeing their deepest passion—and the topic, whatever they choose.
I love learning, have a fast mind, and broad knowledge. Usually, I can at least contribute some questions that spur on the conversation, if not contribute to the topic itself. Thus, I will leave with a deep sense of connection.
The other person will do the same, having a rare opportunity to talk about their spin without overwhelming me.
I know my conversation opener is risky, but frankly, I don't want to build a relationship with most people who don't respond because they find it funny or off.
Here we go: "I am autistic, and I love to talk about my special interests. What are yours?"
I love love love this topic. And isn't it interesting that we know how to go deeply quickly when given the instructions. In the past, I have sometimes gone too quickly with this ....it takes pacing and sensitivity, I think. And it can be a moment of depth that you both acknowledge with no expectations for anything more or in the future, but no less valuable. It is a moment when my soul sighs, takes a breath, feels seen and heard, and calms for a moment. And I hope to give the same to others. Even with more surface conversations, I think that the intention and manner of paid attention can contribute to depth. I can ask how someone is, they can give me an answer with a hint of something deeper, but not want to go into in at the moment, and I can acknowledge that I heard and saw them, and respect their timing. Seeing someone also means seeing their boundary and vulnerability and respecting that in the moment, while letting them know that you are there if they wish to share more. Even the quality of eye contact and facial expression can signal I am here if and when you may be ready to share more, and I see and hear you and wish you well.