“When strangers are randomly assigned to go straight to deep talk rather than small talk, they have a better vibe and end up feeling happier and closer than expected. Although extraverts and introverts get the same joy out of going deep, it gives introverts a bigger boost in connection.”
So says Adam Grant — organizational psychologist, #1 New York Times bestselling author of 6 books that have sold millions of copies, and friend of The Quiet Life.
In his brand new book, VIBE: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World, Adam teaches how both introverts and extroverts can accelerate connection - even with people they’ve just met.
Adam has graciously offered to share an EXCLUSIVE excerpt from the book with us, focusing on how to develop a meaningful connection within one minute of meeting someone — by learning the secrets of deep talk.
Here’s Adam, from his book Vibe:
“I’m watching over a hundred students fidget nervously. It’s the second week of class, and I’ve just paired each of them up with someone they’ve never met. They have one minute to see if they can vibe.
That’s the only instruction I give them. When I shout, “Go!” no one says a word. They just sit there, frozen, until a brave soul finally pierces the uncomfortable silence with pleasantries. Then the voices swell into a cacophony. I can’t make out any sounds or read their lips.
Later, I ask them to close their eyes and raise their hands if they’ve managed to form a strong connection. More than three quarters of the hands shoot up. Since then, I’ve done this exercise with thousands of people. It doesn’t matter where you live or how old you are. In just 60 seconds, the right ritual can light a spark.
This activity was created by my mentor Jane Dutton, a leading expert on high‑quality connections. We’ve both run it with people of all ages, and they’re usually stunned by their capacity to click with strangers in only one minute. They don’t know they have an intuitive understanding of how to talk their way to different wavelengths.
Some pairs look for compatible needs or goals. What’s your biggest challenge right now? Others search for shared passions and hobbies. What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend? The most frequent and surprising approach, though, is to dive right into the deep end. What role does love play in your life?
There have been many studies about how to accelerate closeness. In the most famous experiments, after just 45 minutes of conversation, strangers end up feeling a strong connection—and maybe even falling in love. This “fast friends” procedure starts with fairly benign questions. Would you like to be famous? How would you describe a perfect day? Then the questions get increasingly personal and intense. When did you last cry? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
This “fast friends” procedure starts with fairly benign questions. Would you like to be famous? How would you describe a perfect day? Then the questions get increasingly personal and intense. When did you last cry? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
These studies show that short, emotionally intense conversations with strangers can foster strong connections. It takes less time than we expect to advance from small talk to deep talk. But it’s possible to skip the small talk altogether. That’s what my students have learned in the rapid high‑quality connection exercise. The short window of time—plus the knowledge that they share the motivation to bond—gives them permission to be vulnerable and go deep right away.
Sure enough, when strangers are randomly assigned to go straight to deep talk rather than small talk, they have a better vibe and end up feeling happier and closer than expected. Although extraverts and introverts get the same joy out of going deep, it gives introverts a bigger boost in connection.
It’s true that if you botch deep talk, you sometimes end up with no talk. Yet these fears are mostly misguided. An analysis of 57 experiments demonstrated that people actually like us better when we show some vulnerability—it displays our humanity and signals that we trust them. My own research has shown that when we disclose a flaw, admit a mistake, or reveal some genuine emotion, others tend to respond favorably.
What moves the needle is a disruptive disclosure: an unexpected communication that leads us to rethink our assumptions about a relationship. By jolting us out of our existing rituals, it can alter the trajectory of our interactions.
A disruptive disclosure is not a license to trauma dump. A trauma dump is when people pour out their pain without seeking consent or showing concern for the listener’s boundaries and well‑being. It’s unfiltered and self‑centered, and it can send the listener running in the opposite direction. A healthy disclosure is different. It involves bounded vulnerability. You’re revealing your humanity without being dysregulated or demanding support. As psychologist Susan David captured it for me, “Share from your scars, not from your wounds.”
One of the best disruptive disclosures I’ve ever seen was on a college tour with my daughter Joanna. We were trudging through muddy piles of melting snow, but she hardly noticed because she was absorbed in a conversation with our tour guide, Natalie.
As they discussed the sense of community on campus, Natalie said she had a story that would bring it to life: “A few months ago, my grandma died. Don’t worry—I’m okay. This isn’t a story about me; I want to tell you how people here showed up for me.” Natalie was amazed by the care that her friends displayed. For weeks, they reached out to her multiple times a day. They didn’t tell her until much later, but they’d created a group chat to coordinate their check‑ins and let her know that she wasn’t alone. Natalie divulged something personal without seeming needy or burdening us.
That’s what made it a beautiful disruptive disclosure. The topic was vulnerable, but she didn’t burst into tears or pressure us to console her. She shared her experience and signaled to Joanna that she could be real too.”
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Okay, this is Susan again.
I hope you enjoyed this excerpt as much as I did. I loved Adam’s ideas for conversational gambits that launch us straight into deep talk.
I’ll recap some of them here, so you have them in one place:
What’s your biggest challenge right now?
What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend?
What role does love play in your life?
Would you like to be famous?
How would you describe a perfect day?
When did you last cry?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Granted, some of these feel more appropriate for some situations than others. But I think they give a great idea of how to bypass small talk altogether.
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How about you? Would you like to share with us:
*A time when you made an immediate connection with someone — and what made it happen?
*How you avoid small talk and move into deep conversation?
*Whether you think it’s possible to LEARN how to make a good connection, or whether you see it as a natural talent?
We always love to hear from you! Please, comment below, and feel free to share this Kindred Letter if you found it helpful:
Finally! This was my hunch for years, and almost everyone told me small talk was necessary to open doors and build trust. In my experience, most relationships never progress past small talk once they start there.
I lived in two churches for 17 years each, both fairly stable groups with little fluctuation and a stable core, and I was certainly part of that core. We met several times a week and spent hours together. I cannot remember a relationship that progressed beyond small talk and a handful of superficial, unsanctioned religious topics.
When I look at my coachees, we are more successful. I'm usually a stranger to them when we first meet, and I hear about their biggest challenges within minutes. But that is the nature of the game. So I am told.
I have to admit, though, that I cannot relate to the set of questions given as starters for deep conversations. What’s your biggest challenge right now? What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend? What role does love play in your life? Would you like to be famous? How would you describe a perfect day? When did you last cry? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? — Really? (The answers are: Money; reading a book after sleeping in; define love; no; see my answer about the weekend; I don't remember; she's dead.)
These questions seem to go from ankle-deep to knee-deep at best, using an image from the book of Hesekiel in the Bible.
I yearn for talks during which my counterpart forgets time because I have opened up their special interest. I want to leave having learned about the person—by seeing their deepest passion—and the topic, whatever they choose.
I love learning, have a fast mind, and broad knowledge. Usually, I can at least contribute some questions that spur on the conversation, if not contribute to the topic itself. Thus, I will leave with a deep sense of connection.
The other person will do the same, having a rare opportunity to talk about their spin without overwhelming me.
I know my conversation opener is risky, but frankly, I don't want to build a relationship with most people who don't respond because they find it funny or off.
Here we go: "I am autistic, and I love to talk about my special interests. What are yours?"
I love love love this topic. And isn't it interesting that we know how to go deeply quickly when given the instructions. In the past, I have sometimes gone too quickly with this ....it takes pacing and sensitivity, I think. And it can be a moment of depth that you both acknowledge with no expectations for anything more or in the future, but no less valuable. It is a moment when my soul sighs, takes a breath, feels seen and heard, and calms for a moment. And I hope to give the same to others. Even with more surface conversations, I think that the intention and manner of paid attention can contribute to depth. I can ask how someone is, they can give me an answer with a hint of something deeper, but not want to go into in at the moment, and I can acknowledge that I heard and saw them, and respect their timing. Seeing someone also means seeing their boundary and vulnerability and respecting that in the moment, while letting them know that you are there if they wish to share more. Even the quality of eye contact and facial expression can signal I am here if and when you may be ready to share more, and I see and hear you and wish you well.