I don't generally ask for feedback or criticism because I feel completely crushed upon receiving any kind of comment that could be interpreted as negative. Even the slightest shift in tone or body language can leave me reeling for days. Hello, rejection sensitive dysphoria and perfectionism. I did not miss you.
When it comes to advice, I like to Google that kind of thing, but my current life situation isn't exactly typical. I live with my parents, I have few IRL connections, and I don't leave the house very often due to mental illness. I like to look up advice on mental health. I frequent Reddit, YouTube, and blogs in search of others' experiences that reflect my own.
Even when they don't have any advice to share, it's easier to problem-solve when faced with somebody who isn't myself. We tend to be harsher on ourselves. Looking at a person who's in a similar situation and imagining what advice YOU might tell THEM allows us to brainstorm more compassionate responses and plans.
I think this plays into the idea of "giving great advice but rarely following it". I'm prone to that, and the solutions and "advice" I come up with for myself are hardly as realistic or gentle as those I would give somebody else, even a total stranger. I've always valued advice from others because everybody can offer a unique angle on even a single point.
I understand this, Kaylee - (I think many writers fall somewhere on the rejection-sensitivity spectrum). And I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. May 2024 bring you more ease.
Reading that specific part from Adam shed a new and more appreciative light on how to ask feedback from others.
Sometimes I fall into the complaining habit of asking, why do people give such bad feedback? or why is the feedback so succint?
And maybe, I should try asking for advice. And at the same time, that empowers the listener and tacitly it says "I value your opinion".
I am fortunate to have won a copy of Adam's book. I encourage all of you to participate, it's great. I love the idea of having scaffolding and systems in order to unleash that hidden potentia.
On a side note, I'm so happy to be part of this Community along with you, Susan, Reneé and your team. For years, beauty is important to me and to be part of a like-minded group or beauty-appreciators is something to be grateful of. It's a privilege to dedicate time to this, and our world needs it more than ever. So, sincerely, thanks.
There are times I feel like I'm an absolute mess at presentations. Especially when feeling rushed or afraid I'm not going to remember the content that I'm presenting. In most cases I'm simply not trusting myself and my lack of confidence shows. I'm not good at presenting to large groups, but I have used the method of singling out one person who is positive, or engaged. That has definitely helped.
I've definitely noted the difference between feedback and advice over the years. I always seek out the one person at our organization that I know will give me the advice I need to hear - hence being kind enough to tell me the truth - in order for me to improve. It's been a lot of baby steps and I'm still learning.
I appreciate the nuance in the feeling around feedback vs advice, thanks for these suggestions. Susan I can relate to your nervousness on Zoom. I am much more nervous doing a Zoom presentation to a group than I am to a live group which fascinates me given I am such an introvert. It's likely due to lack of practice as, thankfully, I am seldom on Zoom so hopefully I will improve.
Dec 23, 2023·edited Dec 23, 2023Liked by Susan Cain
When I was 16 years old, I had a great math teacher at the Catholic boarding home I was going to. He was intellectually gifted, did his fifth master in parallel to leading a business with his brother and giving half a workload in Math at a university prep school.
In my class, I actually taught my fellow students, while the teacher learned for his exam as a medical doctor. Still, he always knew where I was at teaching, and corrected mistakes by leading me in the right direction.
But the most valuable part, along with the trust he invested in me, was his feedback. He was an introverted, hyper-nervous person and too much on any scale for anybody. He taught me both to be proud of being gifted, introverted, and too much for people to bear and to tame it, so people could receive from me.
This only lasted one year. I went to the US for an exchange year right afterward, and when I came back, this teacher had been let go by the school. He was too intense in those classes that did not have somebody like me that he could use as a buffer and at the same time invest in.
Why am I telling you this? His feedback was crucial to my development. I was never afraid to teach, speak in front of crowds, stand up for my rights. I attribute this mostly to Mr. Maggi. (Sounds a bit like Mr. Myagi, doesn't it?) He gave me advice.
I made this my technique, but I found that many people still cannot accept what I am saying, reading into it bad criticism, jealousy, haughtiness, and arrogance.
Still, I am a big believer in practicing what you expect and need from others from a place of your gifts. I do not buy the Golden Rule unless it comes from a higher level: it's not about doing unto others exactly what you expect from them, as in being nice or buying them a Christmas gift.
It's about giving them your best from a place of talent, knowledge, skills, and individual strengths, such that they can give you their best from their personality. Thus, we complement instead of mirroring or mimicking each other.
So, if you want to grow by receiving advice, grow others by giving advice where you have your strengths.
Ralph... Invaluable lessons: << He taught me both to be proud of being gifted, introverted, and too much for people to bear and to tame it, so people could receive from me. >>
Susan, thanks for sharing this insightful excerpt from Adam Grant's new book "Hidden Potential." The distinction between seeking feedback and asking for advice is a game-changer. It's refreshing to hear about the transformative power of constructive advice over mere criticism. I'm inspired by the idea of turning critics and cheerleaders into coaches for personal growth.
Wow... what great insight... ask for advice not feedback. For me this feels like the second I understood the difference between happiness and joy. Thanks Susan and Adam for sharing... after a horrible year of mine this may be the most valuable Xmas present this year 🙏🏻
"Enthusiastic delivery" same feedback I got when I gave a presentation at college recently. When it comes to speak in front of whole class it is terrifying. But interestingly when I do speak their is a different sort of confidence in my voice. Although I am sweating inside but the confidence doesn't go easily until I receive a giggle from audience. This feedback and advice thing is so accurate. "You were confident and enthusiastic but your face showed your nervousness" this is a feedback and "keep a smile on face while addressing " this is the advice.
Oddly enough, this is the second time I’ve heard Adam Grant’s name today. Listening to How to Know a Person by David Brooks and he also mentions Adam Grant when talking about personality types.
For encouraging ( and giving ) feedback I like the model of Good to Great. Start with what went well ( and make sure it’s specific) then proceed to « it would be even better if you… »
This compliments the Street Epistemology course I just took (it’s free, here: https://streetepistemology.com/learning-course) which helps one with humility in conversation especially about beliefs. I think humility works everywhere, even when speaking in front of a crowd. It grounds you and gives you quiet power.
Adam Grant is a great man. I love his ideas so much. Hope one day, Sossoo to host him, it would be a big chance to talk to him.
Thanks for sharing, Susan. Great tips here!
Seeking advice tends to help me spring forward faster and better. My copy of Hidden Potential arrives today. 🙂
I don't generally ask for feedback or criticism because I feel completely crushed upon receiving any kind of comment that could be interpreted as negative. Even the slightest shift in tone or body language can leave me reeling for days. Hello, rejection sensitive dysphoria and perfectionism. I did not miss you.
When it comes to advice, I like to Google that kind of thing, but my current life situation isn't exactly typical. I live with my parents, I have few IRL connections, and I don't leave the house very often due to mental illness. I like to look up advice on mental health. I frequent Reddit, YouTube, and blogs in search of others' experiences that reflect my own.
Even when they don't have any advice to share, it's easier to problem-solve when faced with somebody who isn't myself. We tend to be harsher on ourselves. Looking at a person who's in a similar situation and imagining what advice YOU might tell THEM allows us to brainstorm more compassionate responses and plans.
I think this plays into the idea of "giving great advice but rarely following it". I'm prone to that, and the solutions and "advice" I come up with for myself are hardly as realistic or gentle as those I would give somebody else, even a total stranger. I've always valued advice from others because everybody can offer a unique angle on even a single point.
I understand this, Kaylee - (I think many writers fall somewhere on the rejection-sensitivity spectrum). And I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. May 2024 bring you more ease.
Reading that specific part from Adam shed a new and more appreciative light on how to ask feedback from others.
Sometimes I fall into the complaining habit of asking, why do people give such bad feedback? or why is the feedback so succint?
And maybe, I should try asking for advice. And at the same time, that empowers the listener and tacitly it says "I value your opinion".
I am fortunate to have won a copy of Adam's book. I encourage all of you to participate, it's great. I love the idea of having scaffolding and systems in order to unleash that hidden potentia.
On a side note, I'm so happy to be part of this Community along with you, Susan, Reneé and your team. For years, beauty is important to me and to be part of a like-minded group or beauty-appreciators is something to be grateful of. It's a privilege to dedicate time to this, and our world needs it more than ever. So, sincerely, thanks.
thank you so much for this, Antonio! Your comment means a lot to us.
There are times I feel like I'm an absolute mess at presentations. Especially when feeling rushed or afraid I'm not going to remember the content that I'm presenting. In most cases I'm simply not trusting myself and my lack of confidence shows. I'm not good at presenting to large groups, but I have used the method of singling out one person who is positive, or engaged. That has definitely helped.
I've definitely noted the difference between feedback and advice over the years. I always seek out the one person at our organization that I know will give me the advice I need to hear - hence being kind enough to tell me the truth - in order for me to improve. It's been a lot of baby steps and I'm still learning.
I appreciate the nuance in the feeling around feedback vs advice, thanks for these suggestions. Susan I can relate to your nervousness on Zoom. I am much more nervous doing a Zoom presentation to a group than I am to a live group which fascinates me given I am such an introvert. It's likely due to lack of practice as, thankfully, I am seldom on Zoom so hopefully I will improve.
When I was 16 years old, I had a great math teacher at the Catholic boarding home I was going to. He was intellectually gifted, did his fifth master in parallel to leading a business with his brother and giving half a workload in Math at a university prep school.
In my class, I actually taught my fellow students, while the teacher learned for his exam as a medical doctor. Still, he always knew where I was at teaching, and corrected mistakes by leading me in the right direction.
But the most valuable part, along with the trust he invested in me, was his feedback. He was an introverted, hyper-nervous person and too much on any scale for anybody. He taught me both to be proud of being gifted, introverted, and too much for people to bear and to tame it, so people could receive from me.
This only lasted one year. I went to the US for an exchange year right afterward, and when I came back, this teacher had been let go by the school. He was too intense in those classes that did not have somebody like me that he could use as a buffer and at the same time invest in.
Why am I telling you this? His feedback was crucial to my development. I was never afraid to teach, speak in front of crowds, stand up for my rights. I attribute this mostly to Mr. Maggi. (Sounds a bit like Mr. Myagi, doesn't it?) He gave me advice.
I made this my technique, but I found that many people still cannot accept what I am saying, reading into it bad criticism, jealousy, haughtiness, and arrogance.
Still, I am a big believer in practicing what you expect and need from others from a place of your gifts. I do not buy the Golden Rule unless it comes from a higher level: it's not about doing unto others exactly what you expect from them, as in being nice or buying them a Christmas gift.
It's about giving them your best from a place of talent, knowledge, skills, and individual strengths, such that they can give you their best from their personality. Thus, we complement instead of mirroring or mimicking each other.
So, if you want to grow by receiving advice, grow others by giving advice where you have your strengths.
Ralph... Invaluable lessons: << He taught me both to be proud of being gifted, introverted, and too much for people to bear and to tame it, so people could receive from me. >>
Thank you for sharing your experience here.
Susan, thanks for sharing this insightful excerpt from Adam Grant's new book "Hidden Potential." The distinction between seeking feedback and asking for advice is a game-changer. It's refreshing to hear about the transformative power of constructive advice over mere criticism. I'm inspired by the idea of turning critics and cheerleaders into coaches for personal growth.
Looking forward to more enriching content!
Robert
Wow... what great insight... ask for advice not feedback. For me this feels like the second I understood the difference between happiness and joy. Thanks Susan and Adam for sharing... after a horrible year of mine this may be the most valuable Xmas present this year 🙏🏻
"Enthusiastic delivery" same feedback I got when I gave a presentation at college recently. When it comes to speak in front of whole class it is terrifying. But interestingly when I do speak their is a different sort of confidence in my voice. Although I am sweating inside but the confidence doesn't go easily until I receive a giggle from audience. This feedback and advice thing is so accurate. "You were confident and enthusiastic but your face showed your nervousness" this is a feedback and "keep a smile on face while addressing " this is the advice.
Oddly enough, this is the second time I’ve heard Adam Grant’s name today. Listening to How to Know a Person by David Brooks and he also mentions Adam Grant when talking about personality types.
I hadn’t thought of the difference between feedback v advice, and I love it! Thanks for pointing out the difference, Adam.
Looking forward to reading Adam’s new book. Thanks Susan!
For encouraging ( and giving ) feedback I like the model of Good to Great. Start with what went well ( and make sure it’s specific) then proceed to « it would be even better if you… »
And you can suggest « do more if …. Or less of… »
This compliments the Street Epistemology course I just took (it’s free, here: https://streetepistemology.com/learning-course) which helps one with humility in conversation especially about beliefs. I think humility works everywhere, even when speaking in front of a crowd. It grounds you and gives you quiet power.