As my once small very connected community grows (being invaded by ultra-wealthy visitors who love the "idea" of living here part time) I find that EVERY interaction matters. We all really want to be seen, heard, & known.
I make a conscious effort to connect with people who work in retail & can't afford to live here & many are inter-generational families. I also want to be seen, heard, & known. Every connection matters
I have been focusing more on SIMIs for the past couple of years without noticing that I was until I read your article [smile]. I came to this small city in Arizona because of my family, not because the city drew me. And it still doesn’t. It’s a mishmash city lacking all of the things that make me happy in a city: art museums, good cafes and restaurants, the people here are, in the main, completely opposite in experience and political views to what I am. I felt like a fish out of water for years.
But I live in a 55+ community that offers loads of opportunities for being quietly “social” in the way your article lays out. I walk the neighborhood early in the morning, before it gets too hot. As do many people so we wave and nod, say “maybe it will rain today” and then pass along, not wanting to stop and talk too long, wanting to finish our walk. I chitchat with people in my thrice weekly exercise group. Again, no pressure to contribute to conversations if I don’t want to. Twice weekly chair yoga, same thing. We find subjects that give each other pleasure, I’ve noticed that no one wants to press buttons. I avoid the other socials in the community because they ARE a bit too much for me. And that’s fine, there’s no pressure. I have a cafe I stop at often for a burrito for my husband, we say hello, how are you, smile and that’s my socializing sometimes. Book groups that are great. I haven’t made any close friends that I share deep feelings with but I have made friends that I feel at ease with and that’s more than sufficient for me. I still am not great at creating boundaries so I keep the interactions light and short.
Here’s a little SIMI for you. I was on a very large ship, Prince’s largest. And I was walking with great purpose toward my destination! At a corner by a hallway stood a young woman, and as I walked past to head down the hall toward my destination, I said, “Hello!”. She gave me a cheery hello back, and I passed on by. But no sooner had a rounded the corner, I realized I was at the back of the ship, nowhere left to go! Yes, I was lost! Now I realized with only seconds having passed, I would have to walk by her again, she would know I was a poor old fart, lost. So as I approached her again, I said, “well… I’m back!”. Now comes the good part. She looked at me with the most benevolent kind eyes and said, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re back, I missed you so!”. We both laughed, and I walked on. A tiny little fraction of human to human encounter but her goodwill and quick wit became the moment I would remember.
For me, the whole story about the widow is so far fetched. I have been widowed for five years this month. Not one widow or widower that I have talked to or interacted with has had this experience. So bizarre how people who are not widowed, share these flowery, happy-happy-joy-joy experiences. It does call to mind Joan Didion’s book, The Year of Magical Thinking. I found her book to be completely un-relatable, by me, until someone sent a copy to me probably a year after my husband had died. Every part of her book hit home with me at that time. I do realize all of peoples experiences are their own. To the man who was vehemently arguing about my experience on a different topic, I shared: You can argue the interpretation of my experience all you like, you cannot argue the fact that I had the experience. My perspective five years in. Thank you, Susan.
Back in school (almost 50 years ago), a girl persisted for two years in greeting me every day without a response. I never saw her or heard her. After two years, I one day was aware of her and greeted her back. It made her day, and from then on, she latched on for another two years and became a friend.
Two years ago, I started to greet a person who works in the house I live in. A year ago, when I was asked to be the president of the association he works for, he approved of me, saying that I persistently greeted him: "He is ok."
I have forgotten most other SIMIs in my life. As a boy, I walked around with what I learned was my "resting bitch face". As a man, I spent my energy on being friendlier, keeping a smile on my face, and sometimes even noticing people.
Having SDAM, I forget SIMIs. They have even less staying power than real encounters have. And the energy they consume is out of proportion to the joy they instill.
SIMIs are not for me. But if you insist, persist, don't give up, we might connect anyway, and you will find that I am ok.
The focus of this concept, seemingly insignificant small moments, is truly speaking a sound perspective. Losses of relationships, careers, health battles, deaths of loved ones, and even disillusionment with the violence of the worldwide news can create a hollowness in each of our souls. The strategy cited of new beginnings in new surroundings is a valid approach, especially with the social engagements that can generate new memories and hobbies out-of-the-box. May I suggest two other perspectives, which may work for me yet necessarily for others : having a pet. Yes, they are a responsibility and make a mess at times ( so were we as babies ). Secondly, a faith or spiritual dimension with the losses of life. By this I don’t mean the fanatical hysteria often heard today. I suggest a quiet one of philosophical principles. This does not erase the pangs of loneliness, but offers a legitimate coping mechanism.
Love this new phrase - SIMI. I knew that peripheral relationships - with the postal clerk or bus driver for example - are important to well-being. I did not realize that they can shape the brain! How interesting!!!
I agree, small interchanges are not to be underestimated. Six months ago I started volunteering a couple of hours a week at my local charity shop. I look after the book corner. Chatting to locals (some my neighbours), shopkeepers and other lovely volunteer staff about books or nothing much at all fills me and uplifts me in a way that surprises me every single time. As a true introvert, I usually find small talk draining because I feel like I have to force myself to be something I am not. Somehow, in that setting, I feel I can be light but still myself- amazing.
I have never heard this term before and I'm delighted to learn something new today. I love the small interactions that enrich my day. On a recent walk along the Hudson River with my daughter, we were approaching a man who had fishing lines set up. I stopped to ask him what he caught in the Hudson. He described the different seasons and what he's likely to catch in each. And, as if the world was repaying my interest, I came upon two men looking up at tree tops. They invited us to stop and look at the two bald-eagles looking out toward the river. We had a nice chat, and one of the men said how great it is when we can share these things because we're not attached to our airpods. These seemingly insignificant minor interactions made my day, so not so insignificant at all.
Dorothy, you are describing interactions similar to those I regularly have on my walks along our Lake Michigan beach! Aren't they wonderful?! M.E. Miller
I find this whole conversation about SIMIs to be a SIMI. I learned a new term and have a better awareness of something I didn’t know existed but experience frequently! These examples and insights from readers have been a breath of fresh air.
I am a hospital chaplain and I visit strangers every day, not necessarily to talk about religion (unless that’s what they want to talk about) but just to listen to their concerns and stories. Often these encounters make a connection that is meaningful for both of us. So I feel like I have a new way to describe my visits. Thank you!
Great concept, SIMI. Some interactions are definitely worth keeping and you learn who your friends are in a crisis. It happens more often than you think. Everything is a choice.
I haven’t heard of this either, but give it a thumbs up for recognizing the idea. It seems akin to Random Acts of Kindness, and a further reminder that we should spread positivity whenever we can.
I loved this, Susan. And it is so very true and real, thankfully, in my life. The small interactions have connected me to my little community here in ways that lift me up, and provide a daily reminder of mattering, them to me, and me to them. I live alone, in a condo community I liken to the United Nations...so many countries live here. And, I cannot go for a walk whether it be 6:00 a.m. or p.m. without chatting, smiling, waving. We have birthday celebrations, happy hours...a new group of 9 of us are now doing monthly rotating dinners (mine on Saturday). All this just grew gradually through daily interactions. I'm eternally grateful for this, as I have no family here, my two best friends were diagnosed with dementia a few years ago, and the loss has been difficult.
As my once small very connected community grows (being invaded by ultra-wealthy visitors who love the "idea" of living here part time) I find that EVERY interaction matters. We all really want to be seen, heard, & known.
I make a conscious effort to connect with people who work in retail & can't afford to live here & many are inter-generational families. I also want to be seen, heard, & known. Every connection matters
I have been focusing more on SIMIs for the past couple of years without noticing that I was until I read your article [smile]. I came to this small city in Arizona because of my family, not because the city drew me. And it still doesn’t. It’s a mishmash city lacking all of the things that make me happy in a city: art museums, good cafes and restaurants, the people here are, in the main, completely opposite in experience and political views to what I am. I felt like a fish out of water for years.
But I live in a 55+ community that offers loads of opportunities for being quietly “social” in the way your article lays out. I walk the neighborhood early in the morning, before it gets too hot. As do many people so we wave and nod, say “maybe it will rain today” and then pass along, not wanting to stop and talk too long, wanting to finish our walk. I chitchat with people in my thrice weekly exercise group. Again, no pressure to contribute to conversations if I don’t want to. Twice weekly chair yoga, same thing. We find subjects that give each other pleasure, I’ve noticed that no one wants to press buttons. I avoid the other socials in the community because they ARE a bit too much for me. And that’s fine, there’s no pressure. I have a cafe I stop at often for a burrito for my husband, we say hello, how are you, smile and that’s my socializing sometimes. Book groups that are great. I haven’t made any close friends that I share deep feelings with but I have made friends that I feel at ease with and that’s more than sufficient for me. I still am not great at creating boundaries so I keep the interactions light and short.
Here’s a little SIMI for you. I was on a very large ship, Prince’s largest. And I was walking with great purpose toward my destination! At a corner by a hallway stood a young woman, and as I walked past to head down the hall toward my destination, I said, “Hello!”. She gave me a cheery hello back, and I passed on by. But no sooner had a rounded the corner, I realized I was at the back of the ship, nowhere left to go! Yes, I was lost! Now I realized with only seconds having passed, I would have to walk by her again, she would know I was a poor old fart, lost. So as I approached her again, I said, “well… I’m back!”. Now comes the good part. She looked at me with the most benevolent kind eyes and said, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re back, I missed you so!”. We both laughed, and I walked on. A tiny little fraction of human to human encounter but her goodwill and quick wit became the moment I would remember.
One of the benefits of ADHD is the ability to add up all the SIMIs and make something from them.
I should have also said, not all SIMIs seem good in the moment, but they can provide gateways to better if you embrace them in retrospect.
For me, the whole story about the widow is so far fetched. I have been widowed for five years this month. Not one widow or widower that I have talked to or interacted with has had this experience. So bizarre how people who are not widowed, share these flowery, happy-happy-joy-joy experiences. It does call to mind Joan Didion’s book, The Year of Magical Thinking. I found her book to be completely un-relatable, by me, until someone sent a copy to me probably a year after my husband had died. Every part of her book hit home with me at that time. I do realize all of peoples experiences are their own. To the man who was vehemently arguing about my experience on a different topic, I shared: You can argue the interpretation of my experience all you like, you cannot argue the fact that I had the experience. My perspective five years in. Thank you, Susan.
Back in school (almost 50 years ago), a girl persisted for two years in greeting me every day without a response. I never saw her or heard her. After two years, I one day was aware of her and greeted her back. It made her day, and from then on, she latched on for another two years and became a friend.
Two years ago, I started to greet a person who works in the house I live in. A year ago, when I was asked to be the president of the association he works for, he approved of me, saying that I persistently greeted him: "He is ok."
I have forgotten most other SIMIs in my life. As a boy, I walked around with what I learned was my "resting bitch face". As a man, I spent my energy on being friendlier, keeping a smile on my face, and sometimes even noticing people.
Having SDAM, I forget SIMIs. They have even less staying power than real encounters have. And the energy they consume is out of proportion to the joy they instill.
SIMIs are not for me. But if you insist, persist, don't give up, we might connect anyway, and you will find that I am ok.
The focus of this concept, seemingly insignificant small moments, is truly speaking a sound perspective. Losses of relationships, careers, health battles, deaths of loved ones, and even disillusionment with the violence of the worldwide news can create a hollowness in each of our souls. The strategy cited of new beginnings in new surroundings is a valid approach, especially with the social engagements that can generate new memories and hobbies out-of-the-box. May I suggest two other perspectives, which may work for me yet necessarily for others : having a pet. Yes, they are a responsibility and make a mess at times ( so were we as babies ). Secondly, a faith or spiritual dimension with the losses of life. By this I don’t mean the fanatical hysteria often heard today. I suggest a quiet one of philosophical principles. This does not erase the pangs of loneliness, but offers a legitimate coping mechanism.
Love this new phrase - SIMI. I knew that peripheral relationships - with the postal clerk or bus driver for example - are important to well-being. I did not realize that they can shape the brain! How interesting!!!
I don’t do well with SIMIs. They seem too perfunctory and bare-minimum to me.
Never heard of SIMIs before, and thank you for bringing it to our attention.
I agree, small interchanges are not to be underestimated. Six months ago I started volunteering a couple of hours a week at my local charity shop. I look after the book corner. Chatting to locals (some my neighbours), shopkeepers and other lovely volunteer staff about books or nothing much at all fills me and uplifts me in a way that surprises me every single time. As a true introvert, I usually find small talk draining because I feel like I have to force myself to be something I am not. Somehow, in that setting, I feel I can be light but still myself- amazing.
I have never heard this term before and I'm delighted to learn something new today. I love the small interactions that enrich my day. On a recent walk along the Hudson River with my daughter, we were approaching a man who had fishing lines set up. I stopped to ask him what he caught in the Hudson. He described the different seasons and what he's likely to catch in each. And, as if the world was repaying my interest, I came upon two men looking up at tree tops. They invited us to stop and look at the two bald-eagles looking out toward the river. We had a nice chat, and one of the men said how great it is when we can share these things because we're not attached to our airpods. These seemingly insignificant minor interactions made my day, so not so insignificant at all.
Dorothy, you are describing interactions similar to those I regularly have on my walks along our Lake Michigan beach! Aren't they wonderful?! M.E. Miller
I find this whole conversation about SIMIs to be a SIMI. I learned a new term and have a better awareness of something I didn’t know existed but experience frequently! These examples and insights from readers have been a breath of fresh air.
I am a hospital chaplain and I visit strangers every day, not necessarily to talk about religion (unless that’s what they want to talk about) but just to listen to their concerns and stories. Often these encounters make a connection that is meaningful for both of us. So I feel like I have a new way to describe my visits. Thank you!
Great concept, SIMI. Some interactions are definitely worth keeping and you learn who your friends are in a crisis. It happens more often than you think. Everything is a choice.
I haven’t heard of this either, but give it a thumbs up for recognizing the idea. It seems akin to Random Acts of Kindness, and a further reminder that we should spread positivity whenever we can.
I loved this, Susan. And it is so very true and real, thankfully, in my life. The small interactions have connected me to my little community here in ways that lift me up, and provide a daily reminder of mattering, them to me, and me to them. I live alone, in a condo community I liken to the United Nations...so many countries live here. And, I cannot go for a walk whether it be 6:00 a.m. or p.m. without chatting, smiling, waving. We have birthday celebrations, happy hours...a new group of 9 of us are now doing monthly rotating dinners (mine on Saturday). All this just grew gradually through daily interactions. I'm eternally grateful for this, as I have no family here, my two best friends were diagnosed with dementia a few years ago, and the loss has been difficult.