Are you so good at deferring gratification that you defer it forever?
The purpose of a child, the purpose of a life
Since the playwright Tom Stoppard passed away last week, I’ve been reading bits and pieces of his work, and his obituaries, and have ordered his great play Leopoldstadt, which I can’t wait to read.
Here’s one of those bits. This one’s for you if you’re raising a child, or if you’re ninety years old, or if you’re so good at deferring gratification that you defer it forever.
This one’s for you if you’re raising a child: you will sometimes wonder how it could be that this magical creature will turn into a regular adult, just like the rest of us. Maybe you’ll wonder why we invest so much time and energy into this particular era/magical human being, if it’s going to disappear anyway, if it’s going to turn into an ordinary adult. Or maybe you’ll be tempted to turn childhood itself into a project whose mere purpose is to lead to a good and productive adulthood. Because - while the very phase “raising a child” means that we should teach our kids to be good adults - that’s not all we should do; maybe it’s not even most of what we should do. As Tom Stoppard reminds us: “Because children grow up, we think a child’s purpose is to grow up. But a child’s purpose is to be a child.”
And this one’s for you if you’re ninety, or chronically ill, or if you’re so good at deferring gratification that you defer it forever, or if you feel that the point of now is simply to prepare for later. Stoppard is reminding us that lilies don’t do this, and we don’t have to, either. “Nature doesn’t disdain what lives only for a day. It pours the whole of itself into each moment. We don’t value the lily less for not being made of flint and built to last.”
The ultimate purpose of aliveness is being alive.
Wishing you a great week, and don’t forget about our Candlelight Chat this Sunday! I’m really looking forward to seeing as many of you as possible “in person.” It will be at 1 pm ET, and we’ll be featuring special guest Sonja Lyubomirsky, the bestselling author of How to Feel Loved. As usual, you’ll have the chance to interact with both Sonja and me, either in writing or conversation. Log-in and other info to come to all Quiet Life members on Saturday.
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And, as always, I’d love to know your reflections on today’s post.
*Do you think you’re overly good at deferring gratification?
*What experience could you savor today, without trying to make it “good” or “productive”?
*When you were a child, what did you love, simply for its own sake, and not because it led anywhere?
Please, lend us your thoughts and experiences!!
Oh, this one resonates deeply for me.
A little story to give a flavor of some patterns of my childhood... We had a family friend who I always liked...I felt like he saw me and paid attention to me as a person separate from my parents. He gave me this beautiful paint by number set... And I couldn't wait to try it. My mom took it away and said that I could use it later when I was older and could do a "better job". Fast forward to years later when I asked about it again... My mom pulled it out of where she had stored it. It was completely dried out and unusable. Such a metaphor, yes? And I've done that to myself...putting things off, delaying them until a "better time" or until I felt that I better "deserved" them. Or could afford them, or until I lost weight, etc...
And now, in my elder years, I can look back and see so many things delayed. These days I try to give myself experiences now while I'm still here, still alive. And I encourage others to do things sooner rather than later... to live life now, to appreciate the beautiful, messy imperfection of each moment rather than continually searching for the perfect moment, perfect time. Time goes so quickly...
Beautiful post. Thank you. With age, I've grown into a person who doesn't defer gratification. I no longer confuse that with what will gratify everyone else, but see those two as separate and valuable on their own. When I was a kid I lived in an apartment building where I loved talking to the old neighbors, from the dentist who had an office across the hall, to the old women who took me on adventures because my mother was stretched thin. Each and every one of them taught me about the possibilities of life.