"You can stop worrying now"
This will both soothe and uplift you, and take only a minute
“In advanced age, my health worsening, I woke up in the middle of the night, and experienced a feeling of happiness so intense and perfect that in all my life I had only felt its premonition. And there was no reason for it. It didn’t obliterate consciousness; the past which I carried was there, together with my grief. And it was suddenly included, was a necessary part of the whole. As if a voice were repeating: ‘You can stop worrying now; everything happened just as it had to. You did what was assigned to you, and you are not required anymore to think of what happened long ago.’ The peace I felt was a closing of accounts and was connected with the thought of death. The happiness on this side was like an announcement of the other side. I realized that this was an undeserved gift and I could not grasp by what grace it was bestowed on me.”
—prose poem by the great and dear Czeslaw Milosz
Today I want to ask you, simply, whether you’ve ever experienced a feeling like this?
And also: whether you find this prose-poem as uplifting as I do?
I recently completed a weeklong retreat on “Befriending Mortality”. The idea, from Buddhist teachings, is to hold death so close to you that you are reminded of the miracle of life in each moment. The instruction was to ask many times a day “what if this was my last breath? What would I want my mind state and heart state to be? What really matters to me in this moment?” Because we really don’t know when that last breath will come. After a few days of this I began to feel a lightness that I didn’t directly associate with what was happening. And now two weeks later I find my outlook on work and daily tasks changed. There has been a letting go of some of the smaller fears (which had been causing a lot of anxiety). I am only 62, but I think that week did change my life.
Yes, I've had a similar experience years ago. Outwardly, I was "living the dream" with a prosperous consulting practice, a new architect-designed house, a partner and I was actively politically with the Human Rights Campaign. Inwardly, I was a mess. Full of stress, anxiety, and fear. My relationship looked great to others but behind closed doors, we fought and could not seem to find our way back to love. (Years later, I discovered how much my partner's alcohol use contributed but that's another story.) One afternoon, I walked with my dog along down the cul-de-sac, tears streaming down my face. I cried out silently, "I give. I can't do this anymore." It was a cry for help that shot into the universe. Then I felt like some presence lifted a heavy weight from my shoulders, heart, and mind. I knew that all would be well and that because I asked and accepted, my life would never be the same. I continued walking with my dog, feeling a deep peace.