Thanks for sharing this conversation with us. What resonates most with me is spending time with kindred spirits. Mine are my family, friends, and my pets. Being with them brings me joy, and sometimes time seems to slow down a bit when I'm with them. When I'm with my loved ones, I am more likely to remain present, soaking in those moments we share together. When I'm cuddling with my cat, everything melts away. How I spend my time, at this stage of my life, is something that I think about often. Will it make me happy or stressed? Is it worth it? What do I need right now? Whatever might have felt important--chores, responsibilities, projects--things that steal away my time, becomes less urgent. I always hated the saying, "Time is of the essence." Like we must rush to get things done, when what I really want is to experience the essence of time--to not rush through life to some unknown endpoint, but relish in the moments I am experiencing.
I stayed up late to listen live. I liked the conversation.
"Secrets of Adulthood" are condensed nuggets of wisdom, if I understand correctly. Sometimes slogans. I have come to hold them lightly. They speak to certain situations and times, but rarely keep their value over time, usually less long than we hold on to them. They also require situational compromise, just as value hierarchies are good for a time and never truly are fixed hierarchies. Situational ethics.
I am slowly finding myself on the way out of the dark night of the soul, out of enantiodromia. Most "Secrets of Adulthood" are too flat and unidimensional for me, lacking complexity. They do not inspire motivation. I thrive on stories, not sentences.
And if you are honest with yourself, your "Secrets of Adulthood" are headers, shortcuts for whole stories. The more unique and valuable those stories are, the more archetypal they become. Yes, they can be shared using a slogan, a title, or a headline, but only if the story they invoke is shared common culture.
This makes them slang, jargon, and in-group lingo. Valuable and helpful to those that know.
We are in times, though, when we lose common stories. Too often, we are not aware of it and assume that others understand what we mean. This is a time for storytellers, not feel-good quotes, no matter how much those slogans helped us.
During your talk, this became obvious. You had to "undergird" your secrets with origin stories and examples to become valuable. Herein lies the gold.
Do you want to know my secrets of adulthood? Read my posts, my books, have some dialog with me, and maybe, you will catch something you can condense into a secret for your life. It might even be a phrase or a sentence, as it triggers a very personal yet archetypal story.
the most nourishing relationship i have is deeply with my body and my spirit that keeps me thriving with expressing my artistry of self. the richer i am, i feel and generously 'spend' my time accordingly . it is osmosis. it's the tides of time. it's the return to the ebb and flow. it's all about raising our children from birth to bachelors (degree!) and not womb to tomb. i adore watching them make their lives work for themselves. I led by example.
After talking about Secrets of Adulthood from an abstract viewpoint in my last comment, let me give you one I have learned over time. I use a quote by Carl Gustav Jung because it is to the point:
"...anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic."
The narrative behind this is lengthy and lasted almost all of my life. I will give you the gist of it.
I have been told that helping another to realize their vision and succumbing to the expectations of my leaders and the group would be the stepping stone to, one day, realize my own vision and find my purpose.
This led to a balancing act of catering to the expectations of others and not giving up on my own individual goals and needs that almost drew me apart psychologically (what one could count as neuroticism). I lied to belong to myself and others (https://aperspectival.substack.com/p/lying-to-belong) to the point that I developed cancer because autism, SDAM, and alexithymia kept me from feeling what was going on.
I learned that it is neither about adjusting to the group nor pursuing one's own goals. It is about individuation, becoming your truest self. You can then be of greatest service to yourself and others without lying.
What a wonderful conversation. I can feel the depth of the connection between you.
For me, a secret of my adulthood is to embrace my tears and melancholy. To mine the richness there, to feel it as deeply as I can, to be grateful to be able to feel to that depth. Interestingly, this, I believe, allows me to laugh - a lot - at all the craziness of life and all the craziness within me. I think that if I did not allow myself to be the melancholic person that I am, I would not be laughing nearly as much. To embrace the wholeness, to come home to what you were told is not good about you and finally realize that this is the best of you, to love what has been punished or hated or suppressed, to let the darkness be all that it is and finally, to not care if others do not understand. There are those in your tribe who will understand, and that will be more than enough.
Susan, I haven’t watched the video yet, but will do soon. I appreciate your views on ‘letting your loved ones go’. As parents this can be such a struggle for many and we hold onto our children for a variety of personal reasons. And then there are our parents and others who pass away, unexpectedly or otherwise. No longer having parents is a strange dynamic initially, and interestingly, opens a door to the potential of a refreshed connection with siblings.
Thank you again, Susan. And I look forward to listening to Gretchen’s insights.
Thank you for sharing! There was a lot of (adult) secrets but Gretchen’s ‘a strong voice repels as much as it attracts’ came as a surprise ; )
The ‘tension’ topic was not discussed in detail and I was wondering whether the ambition to do that TED talk some years (?) is (still) there and ‘on’, i.e. part of the second half of life? Also whether, the secrets of adulthood come to fruition only then?
Regards the practical questions: I like watching the video and think it would be great to see more. Have to admit that before watching, I didn’t really understand why Gretchen’s summary had to be in the letter. As if your secrets of adulthood needed to be presented by someone else?
Thanks for sharing this conversation with us. What resonates most with me is spending time with kindred spirits. Mine are my family, friends, and my pets. Being with them brings me joy, and sometimes time seems to slow down a bit when I'm with them. When I'm with my loved ones, I am more likely to remain present, soaking in those moments we share together. When I'm cuddling with my cat, everything melts away. How I spend my time, at this stage of my life, is something that I think about often. Will it make me happy or stressed? Is it worth it? What do I need right now? Whatever might have felt important--chores, responsibilities, projects--things that steal away my time, becomes less urgent. I always hated the saying, "Time is of the essence." Like we must rush to get things done, when what I really want is to experience the essence of time--to not rush through life to some unknown endpoint, but relish in the moments I am experiencing.
I stayed up late to listen live. I liked the conversation.
"Secrets of Adulthood" are condensed nuggets of wisdom, if I understand correctly. Sometimes slogans. I have come to hold them lightly. They speak to certain situations and times, but rarely keep their value over time, usually less long than we hold on to them. They also require situational compromise, just as value hierarchies are good for a time and never truly are fixed hierarchies. Situational ethics.
I am slowly finding myself on the way out of the dark night of the soul, out of enantiodromia. Most "Secrets of Adulthood" are too flat and unidimensional for me, lacking complexity. They do not inspire motivation. I thrive on stories, not sentences.
And if you are honest with yourself, your "Secrets of Adulthood" are headers, shortcuts for whole stories. The more unique and valuable those stories are, the more archetypal they become. Yes, they can be shared using a slogan, a title, or a headline, but only if the story they invoke is shared common culture.
This makes them slang, jargon, and in-group lingo. Valuable and helpful to those that know.
We are in times, though, when we lose common stories. Too often, we are not aware of it and assume that others understand what we mean. This is a time for storytellers, not feel-good quotes, no matter how much those slogans helped us.
During your talk, this became obvious. You had to "undergird" your secrets with origin stories and examples to become valuable. Herein lies the gold.
Do you want to know my secrets of adulthood? Read my posts, my books, have some dialog with me, and maybe, you will catch something you can condense into a secret for your life. It might even be a phrase or a sentence, as it triggers a very personal yet archetypal story.
the most nourishing relationship i have is deeply with my body and my spirit that keeps me thriving with expressing my artistry of self. the richer i am, i feel and generously 'spend' my time accordingly . it is osmosis. it's the tides of time. it's the return to the ebb and flow. it's all about raising our children from birth to bachelors (degree!) and not womb to tomb. i adore watching them make their lives work for themselves. I led by example.
After talking about Secrets of Adulthood from an abstract viewpoint in my last comment, let me give you one I have learned over time. I use a quote by Carl Gustav Jung because it is to the point:
"...anyone who attempts to do both, to adjust to his group and at the same time pursue his individual goal, becomes neurotic."
The narrative behind this is lengthy and lasted almost all of my life. I will give you the gist of it.
I have been told that helping another to realize their vision and succumbing to the expectations of my leaders and the group would be the stepping stone to, one day, realize my own vision and find my purpose.
This led to a balancing act of catering to the expectations of others and not giving up on my own individual goals and needs that almost drew me apart psychologically (what one could count as neuroticism). I lied to belong to myself and others (https://aperspectival.substack.com/p/lying-to-belong) to the point that I developed cancer because autism, SDAM, and alexithymia kept me from feeling what was going on.
I learned that it is neither about adjusting to the group nor pursuing one's own goals. It is about individuation, becoming your truest self. You can then be of greatest service to yourself and others without lying.
As someone who instinctively resists group pressure, I so understand this, Ralph.
I loved this so much! Moved to tears more than once. Glad to have the replay.
What a wonderful conversation. I can feel the depth of the connection between you.
For me, a secret of my adulthood is to embrace my tears and melancholy. To mine the richness there, to feel it as deeply as I can, to be grateful to be able to feel to that depth. Interestingly, this, I believe, allows me to laugh - a lot - at all the craziness of life and all the craziness within me. I think that if I did not allow myself to be the melancholic person that I am, I would not be laughing nearly as much. To embrace the wholeness, to come home to what you were told is not good about you and finally realize that this is the best of you, to love what has been punished or hated or suppressed, to let the darkness be all that it is and finally, to not care if others do not understand. There are those in your tribe who will understand, and that will be more than enough.
Susan, I haven’t watched the video yet, but will do soon. I appreciate your views on ‘letting your loved ones go’. As parents this can be such a struggle for many and we hold onto our children for a variety of personal reasons. And then there are our parents and others who pass away, unexpectedly or otherwise. No longer having parents is a strange dynamic initially, and interestingly, opens a door to the potential of a refreshed connection with siblings.
Thank you again, Susan. And I look forward to listening to Gretchen’s insights.
Thank you for sharing! There was a lot of (adult) secrets but Gretchen’s ‘a strong voice repels as much as it attracts’ came as a surprise ; )
The ‘tension’ topic was not discussed in detail and I was wondering whether the ambition to do that TED talk some years (?) is (still) there and ‘on’, i.e. part of the second half of life? Also whether, the secrets of adulthood come to fruition only then?
Regards the practical questions: I like watching the video and think it would be great to see more. Have to admit that before watching, I didn’t really understand why Gretchen’s summary had to be in the letter. As if your secrets of adulthood needed to be presented by someone else?
On a (slightly) note, I found this article https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/jul/07/the-thing-about-ageing-gracefully interesting and revealing - yes, adulthood is that as well, (gracefully) aging.
Have a good week everyone!