My children, always. And it took time for me to fully soak that in, despite the desire for romantic love and my blessing to have that, I believe the truest love I have experienced is with them. And as adults it is even deeper than I imagined.
I definitely had a deep love with my mom. She told me when I was older that I could just look in her eyes and know what she was thinking. A soul relationship. I shared with one of my sons yesterday the content of your email. He had the same deep relationship with my mom, his grandmother. He was on a high level soccer team that required extensive travel time for practices when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We decided as a family to be her caregivers and hospice. My son chose to be part of her care and step away from his soccer practices but he also said a prayer that he could still travel with the team for a major competition. One of his coaches said he’s making too much of his grandma. I kept it to myself that he probably won’t be able to go to the competition if he doesn’t practice with the team! But a couple of months later, another coach phoned. He said, “I know your family situation, but we have an injured player who can’t make it to the world-class competition. Would you please consider If your son would be allowed to come”? I knew the answer would be yes, of course he would go! I talked to my son yesterday and we reviewed these memories. He said that he’s only deeply cried twice in his life. And one of those times was at his grandmother’s memorial. He’s now, exploring, living in Ukraine, where she actually came from! He figures that maybe the roots that he loves and
he’s so connected to, are in that area! It’s amazing to me that we both share the same love! It took me 7 years to process my mom’s passing. After 7 years I was able to volunteer with Hospice in our area. We had amazing Hospice volunteers (like angels) help take shifts in our home so my mom could be with us. I felt, after seven years, I was ready to give back. It’s now been 25 years this May since she passed. She still lives on in our souls.
The great mountains that protect me, provide awe on a daily basis and remind me there is something much bigger than me that created this world. Such a deep love filled with gratitude.
I am very glad you shared this thought, Susan. I think so, too. Love is the power that leads souls towards each other, and it doesn’t say this soul has to be a romantic partner. Love shows us whom to meet and be with is important, so our souls can grow together in this life. I have no romantic partner but love towards family members and close friends and sometimes also to almost strangers. They are my soul companions and I love them dearly - in other subtle ways than the classic „romantic love“.
I feel enormous gratitude for knowing love. It comes in so many forms. Yesterday was my birthday and I missed my mum, I d have loved to have known more about my 'birth day' , I didn't know that this would become important. Ask the questions. And, at the same time, I have new love, my 2 year old granddaughter beginning to understand about the celebrations around birthdays. And my old love, my husband, 44 years in, exploring over lunch our deep memories. I am very fortunate.
My cat Benny was my greatest love. When I was with him I felt loved unconditionally. No matter what mood I was in he still loved me the same. He loved me for who I am. We had a very special bond. I sure do miss my sweet boy!☺️
oh , I could not stop my tears ... what a wonderful platform is here that such a sensitive , vulnerable topics can be said and shared without feeling judged, blamed or intimidated , even receiving empathy and compassion... Thank you
yes .. I love a child who is not mine , i mean not my biologic child ( I dont have any, long time ago I chose to not have children) but I dont know a love greater than this in my life . is it a motherly love , i dont know , I am not even close to his parents . actually , unfortunately and so so painfully there has been a trace of envy and resentment between us( they do not seem to appreciate their child strong and unusual bond with me and got annoyed! I dont want to judge them because it might be normal/ natural but I expect that at least they care about their own child feeling ).
It s the most painful and joyful love . pain , because he is a child of other people with no autonomy for himself now and anytime , anytime , he can be taken away form me . I beg to see him, I long for him, as he dose for me and when we are together we both experience separation anxiety . we both are struggling to not provoke our other peoples ( loved ones in our life) sensitivity, anger , envy . of course its vague for him and hard to understand( for a 3.5 year old, love is love .. how can he understand and control his emotion in front of his mother to not trigger jealousy ?! and he dose not know why his parents whom obviously love him and care for him stop him from being with someone who he loves and has fun with and has secure attachment with.)
I terribly suffer for his suffering and feeling because I might have some emotion regulation and coping skills , he dose not /. and I have to be constantly careful not to trigger my loved ones and make sure I can deal with their patronizing and judgmental and sometimes envious reactions, let alone hearing preaches all the time about priorities in life( of course , should be my husband as my mother says) and why I dont have my own child ?!
. Not everyone is as wise and free as leonard Cohen. I think one who ever experience true love dose question it where it come from or why ? It s usually coming form other people whom we love who cant tolerate to know that they are not the first, main , or the only one we love . It sin our human nature to want to be exclusive and unique.
I think there are other languages that have different words for different types of love other than romantic. I lost my mum very suddenly at aged 35 which is many decades ago now. I think of her everyday and in some ways feel closer to her than ever. So I have to agree that love is an energy that doesn't dissipate in time although the pain of the loss does.
I find it strange(?) that I was thinking about this exact same topic on my drive home this evening and then here you are, Susan.
I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by missing the love and understanding of my mother, and pondering if it was fair to want my partner to love me even a fraction of how she did.
I believe that the truest love causes you to feel exactly like yourself; to feel at home in your own body. I have experienced that to the depths only with my mother and my 26 year old son, who is sunshine incarnate.
It causes me to pause and realize that I have been shown the purest form of love, and it either doesn’t exist in a romantic partner, or maybe I’m selling myself short?
I feel an intense love toward humanity and peace, and sometimes maybe that makes me ‘too much’. How blessed am I to experience love’s depth twice though.
My greatest love. Hm, I have had many and have many. But my one true love is my partner, Steven. He sees me as I am, he lets my drop my head on his chest when I am feeling defeated and he lets me vent. I heard a song the other day by the Red Clay Strays called Wonder Why and it said "not just along for the ride but my biggest fan" and that is it, for both of us. We are so fortunate, I know.
As a guy having lived ~two-thirds of my life with my romantic+life partner, I've been repeatedly reminded of how a mother's love for her children is absolute. It's stronger than titanium, though much softer and more adaptable.
With spouses and friends and pets, there is a choice whether to love--a choice that comes only after experience. But a mother's love does not seem to be a choice at all, and it endures almost regardless of experience. It seems to be in a separate class from other loves.
Is it wrong to choose myself as the love of my life?
At 56, newly divorced after more than 25 years of marriage, I’m beginning to understand something deeply important: I am the love of my life.
For years, I was in a marriage where neither of us truly knew how to love each other in a healthy or fulfilling way. On top of that, after the divorce, I lost connection with my three adult children, who have chosen not to speak to me—believing I “broke up” our family. The full story is complicated, full of drama, pain, and misunderstandings that are too heavy to unpack here. But at the heart of it all was a decision: I chose me.
In choosing myself, I’ve chosen self-respect and self-love.
Every day, I wake up and practice loving myself—not despite my past, but because of it. Despite my failed marriage, my painful distance from my children, and the many flaws that make me human, I am learning to come home to myself.
When life gets dark, uncertain, or lonely, I remind myself that I am here—and I am enough. I’m even learning to tell myself “I love you” out loud, and to give myself the warmth and comfort of a hug.
We are born alone, and we die alone. In between, I am learning that the most important relationship I will ever have is the one I have with myself.
And for now, I am choosing to love myself the best I can.
Oof, Definitely my chihuahua. I call her my soul mate bc she really is. She takes care of me when I'm upset. She is ALWAYS physically attached to me. She's 11 and I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. Fall in love with another tiny dog, probably, but she'll always be my soul mate.
My children, always. And it took time for me to fully soak that in, despite the desire for romantic love and my blessing to have that, I believe the truest love I have experienced is with them. And as adults it is even deeper than I imagined.
I've not joined the candlelight chat before. Is it here on Substack? I'm really interested to join this chat!
Hi Cece! It’s on zoom, and I’ll send out the log in info on Saturday. (I may start doing Substack lives too, soonish.)
I definitely had a deep love with my mom. She told me when I was older that I could just look in her eyes and know what she was thinking. A soul relationship. I shared with one of my sons yesterday the content of your email. He had the same deep relationship with my mom, his grandmother. He was on a high level soccer team that required extensive travel time for practices when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We decided as a family to be her caregivers and hospice. My son chose to be part of her care and step away from his soccer practices but he also said a prayer that he could still travel with the team for a major competition. One of his coaches said he’s making too much of his grandma. I kept it to myself that he probably won’t be able to go to the competition if he doesn’t practice with the team! But a couple of months later, another coach phoned. He said, “I know your family situation, but we have an injured player who can’t make it to the world-class competition. Would you please consider If your son would be allowed to come”? I knew the answer would be yes, of course he would go! I talked to my son yesterday and we reviewed these memories. He said that he’s only deeply cried twice in his life. And one of those times was at his grandmother’s memorial. He’s now, exploring, living in Ukraine, where she actually came from! He figures that maybe the roots that he loves and
he’s so connected to, are in that area! It’s amazing to me that we both share the same love! It took me 7 years to process my mom’s passing. After 7 years I was able to volunteer with Hospice in our area. We had amazing Hospice volunteers (like angels) help take shifts in our home so my mom could be with us. I felt, after seven years, I was ready to give back. It’s now been 25 years this May since she passed. She still lives on in our souls.
The great mountains that protect me, provide awe on a daily basis and remind me there is something much bigger than me that created this world. Such a deep love filled with gratitude.
I am very glad you shared this thought, Susan. I think so, too. Love is the power that leads souls towards each other, and it doesn’t say this soul has to be a romantic partner. Love shows us whom to meet and be with is important, so our souls can grow together in this life. I have no romantic partner but love towards family members and close friends and sometimes also to almost strangers. They are my soul companions and I love them dearly - in other subtle ways than the classic „romantic love“.
I feel enormous gratitude for knowing love. It comes in so many forms. Yesterday was my birthday and I missed my mum, I d have loved to have known more about my 'birth day' , I didn't know that this would become important. Ask the questions. And, at the same time, I have new love, my 2 year old granddaughter beginning to understand about the celebrations around birthdays. And my old love, my husband, 44 years in, exploring over lunch our deep memories. I am very fortunate.
My cat Benny was my greatest love. When I was with him I felt loved unconditionally. No matter what mood I was in he still loved me the same. He loved me for who I am. We had a very special bond. I sure do miss my sweet boy!☺️
oh , I could not stop my tears ... what a wonderful platform is here that such a sensitive , vulnerable topics can be said and shared without feeling judged, blamed or intimidated , even receiving empathy and compassion... Thank you
yes .. I love a child who is not mine , i mean not my biologic child ( I dont have any, long time ago I chose to not have children) but I dont know a love greater than this in my life . is it a motherly love , i dont know , I am not even close to his parents . actually , unfortunately and so so painfully there has been a trace of envy and resentment between us( they do not seem to appreciate their child strong and unusual bond with me and got annoyed! I dont want to judge them because it might be normal/ natural but I expect that at least they care about their own child feeling ).
It s the most painful and joyful love . pain , because he is a child of other people with no autonomy for himself now and anytime , anytime , he can be taken away form me . I beg to see him, I long for him, as he dose for me and when we are together we both experience separation anxiety . we both are struggling to not provoke our other peoples ( loved ones in our life) sensitivity, anger , envy . of course its vague for him and hard to understand( for a 3.5 year old, love is love .. how can he understand and control his emotion in front of his mother to not trigger jealousy ?! and he dose not know why his parents whom obviously love him and care for him stop him from being with someone who he loves and has fun with and has secure attachment with.)
I terribly suffer for his suffering and feeling because I might have some emotion regulation and coping skills , he dose not /. and I have to be constantly careful not to trigger my loved ones and make sure I can deal with their patronizing and judgmental and sometimes envious reactions, let alone hearing preaches all the time about priorities in life( of course , should be my husband as my mother says) and why I dont have my own child ?!
. Not everyone is as wise and free as leonard Cohen. I think one who ever experience true love dose question it where it come from or why ? It s usually coming form other people whom we love who cant tolerate to know that they are not the first, main , or the only one we love . It sin our human nature to want to be exclusive and unique.
I think there are other languages that have different words for different types of love other than romantic. I lost my mum very suddenly at aged 35 which is many decades ago now. I think of her everyday and in some ways feel closer to her than ever. So I have to agree that love is an energy that doesn't dissipate in time although the pain of the loss does.
I find it strange(?) that I was thinking about this exact same topic on my drive home this evening and then here you are, Susan.
I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by missing the love and understanding of my mother, and pondering if it was fair to want my partner to love me even a fraction of how she did.
I believe that the truest love causes you to feel exactly like yourself; to feel at home in your own body. I have experienced that to the depths only with my mother and my 26 year old son, who is sunshine incarnate.
It causes me to pause and realize that I have been shown the purest form of love, and it either doesn’t exist in a romantic partner, or maybe I’m selling myself short?
I feel an intense love toward humanity and peace, and sometimes maybe that makes me ‘too much’. How blessed am I to experience love’s depth twice though.
My granddaughter. We share a strong and special bond.
My greatest love. Hm, I have had many and have many. But my one true love is my partner, Steven. He sees me as I am, he lets my drop my head on his chest when I am feeling defeated and he lets me vent. I heard a song the other day by the Red Clay Strays called Wonder Why and it said "not just along for the ride but my biggest fan" and that is it, for both of us. We are so fortunate, I know.
As a guy having lived ~two-thirds of my life with my romantic+life partner, I've been repeatedly reminded of how a mother's love for her children is absolute. It's stronger than titanium, though much softer and more adaptable.
With spouses and friends and pets, there is a choice whether to love--a choice that comes only after experience. But a mother's love does not seem to be a choice at all, and it endures almost regardless of experience. It seems to be in a separate class from other loves.
Is it wrong to choose myself as the love of my life?
At 56, newly divorced after more than 25 years of marriage, I’m beginning to understand something deeply important: I am the love of my life.
For years, I was in a marriage where neither of us truly knew how to love each other in a healthy or fulfilling way. On top of that, after the divorce, I lost connection with my three adult children, who have chosen not to speak to me—believing I “broke up” our family. The full story is complicated, full of drama, pain, and misunderstandings that are too heavy to unpack here. But at the heart of it all was a decision: I chose me.
In choosing myself, I’ve chosen self-respect and self-love.
Every day, I wake up and practice loving myself—not despite my past, but because of it. Despite my failed marriage, my painful distance from my children, and the many flaws that make me human, I am learning to come home to myself.
When life gets dark, uncertain, or lonely, I remind myself that I am here—and I am enough. I’m even learning to tell myself “I love you” out loud, and to give myself the warmth and comfort of a hug.
We are born alone, and we die alone. In between, I am learning that the most important relationship I will ever have is the one I have with myself.
And for now, I am choosing to love myself the best I can.
I think this beautifully said as well Lori ❤️
Oh Lori- what a beautiful comment- thank you for sharing it with us. And no, I do not believe it is wrong.
Absolutely my mom, my pets, and my home which I no longer have and still mourning the loss of all these loves (except Lily who's still here)
Oof, Definitely my chihuahua. I call her my soul mate bc she really is. She takes care of me when I'm upset. She is ALWAYS physically attached to me. She's 11 and I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. Fall in love with another tiny dog, probably, but she'll always be my soul mate.