It is Winter here in Melbourne. I often say I struggle with the cold. From now on I will try not to use the word struggle and use the word navigate instead. I find I have a better approach to my day when I am kinder to myself with the words I use and the actions I take. Also living in the moment guides my psyche to look for things I am grateful for. At the moment I am grateful I have a day I am looking forward to.
Thank you Susan for another post that got me being contemplative.
It's so easy to see this behavior in others and say "oh no, that is your anxiety talking" or "everything will be ok, it's just in this stressful moment that it all seems impossible, take a few breaths" (I work with a lot of younger people and have become the unofficial "office mom") But it's not so easy to give yourself the same grace when your inner voice is being obnoxious Mine goes nuts when I haven't slept well or have overcommitted myself. I will try to get better at remembering to follow my own advice! Breathe, take a few moments, give myself grace and also remember that no is a complete sentence.
First, as always, thanks for today's art. It's such a lovely way to begin a day. I laughed out loud when I saw a photo of Gary Bunt. He is so not like the roly poly man he chooses to paint. In fact he looked a bit like a version of a spare and lanky Mick Jagger. I notice self talk constantly, all day, every day. Sometimes I consciously correct negative self talk as I notice it. And sometimes I just enjoy the drama but don't really believe it. I sometimes tell myself that I'm a very lucky person and find that it seems to result in parking spaces appearing as needed.
I definitely have a stronger inner critic, when I am ignoring my own meditation needs. If I 'sit' once or twice daily, for 20 or 30 minutes, then I am more likely to have a more cheerful inner space/voice/attitude.
There are many aspects and 'practices' one can use in meditation.
One image that works for me, as I sit, is that I have a tiny Buddha in my lower belly, and I am taking care of this one. Sending out kindness, compassion, love to this small one. And then imagine there is a large Buddha, just behind me, enfolding me in their robes, and this wise one knows all about the past and the future; knows all "I" will have to face in my life. This large all knowing Buddhas loves me unconditionally and fearlessly.
I absolutely, completely, always, constantly use overly extreme internal language. Friends have said to me, "Your self-talk is terrible." I'll tell them next time that "terrible" is an extreme word. Do they really mean something less dire? Actually, I don't think they do.
But Eric gives us an elegant and simple solution for...maybe a butterfly-effect toward a softer self-image. He starts with: just be aware of your own hyperbole (challenging, yes, because this style of expression is fashionable) and then bring the words back to earth. I think this is really worth a try.
Spent part of my morning with a friend discussing a situation in her life which is, by any objective measure, profoundly difficult. That said, I noticed a pattern of polarized thinking: exaggerating the nature of the situation as being terrible, awful, unsolvable, and permanent (none of this is true) and, at the same time, minimizing the impact it’s having on her (“but it’s OK, I’ll be fine, if I do X then maybe things will improve…” none of this is true either). I think this collision of catastrophizing and minimizing voices is common, especially for women, and one ends up paralyzed in the middle. Curious to hear what you think, and also if this is true for men or if that pattern is different (broadly speaking of course).
Also, for help with identifying the Great Exaggerator and reeling it in, I highly recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Full Catastrophe Living.
I am feeling so sorry with everybody who has to deal with this, though it is still hard for me to believe that people do this to themselves.
I have heard of an inner critic, and I am glad I do not have one. I never had one. There are times when I have to deal with frustration, but that works differently. Might be my aphantasia.
In my life, I have probably used swear words about 10 times. I don't tend to exaggerate. I know that this sounds as if I am a saint. There is a drawback to that. I don't experience anger or joy. Alexithymia at work.
I don't know how, or if, those things work hand in hand. All I know: it's a blessing and a curse.
So much to respond to in that useful reflection. However for now, since my time is short, I will say how much I enjoy the art added to your thoughtful musings and insights. They add a human element with a touch of beauty and nature. All of which are free gifts. And if we decide to redeem life's multitude of restorative coupons, all the better. Thank you for giving us such good images and life lessons to ponder and hopefully apply.
When I was in recovery from a broken heart I thought the voice was what my (ex)partner was saying to me. With time I realized I was talking back to this critical voice, and it wasn't going away. It took more time to notice that I don't talk that way to people I care about; so, the question came up-Why do I talk to myself that way? It still feels like there are many parts to me expressed in my other voice and it scares me to think how harsh language can make me withdraw. As I become more aware on talking to my children and my supportive friends I can practice some of Eric's kinder word replacements. Noticing and naming behavior are first steps.
Words carry a big impact when you say them to others and they carry a big impact when you say them to yourself. Appreciate Eric’s reminder of that and advice!
Thank you so much for this timely post! On Wednesday afternoon this week my husband I went to the optometrist. I had been worried about my vision for a couple of reasons, my husband had said he couldn't see through his glasses. Thankfully the appointments went well, our eyes are quite healthy, our vision barely changed. My worries had probably been due to a lot of traveling to different places, different humidity, lack of sleep, etc.
So that was the good news, great news! But then we made a mistake. Feeling happy about our good reports we broke a rule we usually follow: never make a big financial decision without sleeping on it. The optometrist had led us to the staff who order new glasses as if it were a given that we would get new glasses. And we just went along and when we got home it sank into us that we had spent $800. The office was already closed, too late to yell stop. We barely slept that night as that $800 is impacting a budget already battered by our recent travels.
Upshot was, we went back to the office on Thursday morning as soon as it opened and explained that, really, our budget can't afford new glasses. The staff were pleasant--as were we--but their response was, too late, the lenses have already been cut. (Amazing that glasses that will take two weeks to arrive are already at such a stage but oh well.) We stayed very true to ourselves, owning that the mistake was ours but asking if we could stop the process at least. The jury is still out on that.
But what we finally realized was that we have lost sight (hah) of the good news: our eyes are healthy. And, yes, the budget is going to hurt for a few months if we can't recoup the money, but, in the end, we are thankful we are in the position where we can say, it's only money. And we were reminded of the very good mantra that we usually follow: sleep on a big decision and spending that much money was a big decision ;)
So, it's all, in the end, okay. Nobody died, good relations were maintained, after realizing our mistake, we still acted in a way of kindness and integrity that makes us feel at peace within ourselves :)
I do believe that the inner voice, be it critical or supportive, vacillates within the context of where we are in our life at the time. If our daily routines are placid, stable, and filled with people/pet support then the negative terminology and language will be diminished or at least radically reduced. But, if daily life is a constant battle filled with perhaps economic/health/relationship uncertainties to name a few then the harsh inner critic will unleash its ugly side. The lack of predictability in life’s events can filter the calm or critical voices. Certainly not always an easy situation to overcome and navigate.
Eric's framing landed for me — especially the idea that extreme language doesn't just describe our inner state, it *creates* it.
I write about this in my book. In Chapter 5, I describe a morning I woke up agitated, mind already churning before my feet hit the floor. My instinct was to grab the phone. Instead, I sat down, closed my eyes, and offered myself something I didn't know I was starving for — words of love.
*May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I have the deepest well-being.*
At first it felt mechanical. Just words floating in the dark. But halfway through, something gave. The tightness in my chest released. I felt the room again. I could hear the wind in the trees outside.
Then I let it expand — past myself, past my walls, out into the world:
*May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you have the deepest well-being.* To the people I love. To strangers I'll never meet. To the version of the world I still believe in.
The whole practice takes six minutes. It lives on YouTube. And it has quietly become the most important thing I do all day.
Because the inner voice doesn't go quiet on its own. But you can change what it says — before the world gets a word in.
The language we choose internally is an input. And that input, offered with tenderness, changes everything downstream.
I do this a lot, & my current saying from Pema Chodron is: FEEL THE FEELINGS, DROP THE STORY
It is Winter here in Melbourne. I often say I struggle with the cold. From now on I will try not to use the word struggle and use the word navigate instead. I find I have a better approach to my day when I am kinder to myself with the words I use and the actions I take. Also living in the moment guides my psyche to look for things I am grateful for. At the moment I am grateful I have a day I am looking forward to.
Thank you Susan for another post that got me being contemplative.
It's so easy to see this behavior in others and say "oh no, that is your anxiety talking" or "everything will be ok, it's just in this stressful moment that it all seems impossible, take a few breaths" (I work with a lot of younger people and have become the unofficial "office mom") But it's not so easy to give yourself the same grace when your inner voice is being obnoxious Mine goes nuts when I haven't slept well or have overcommitted myself. I will try to get better at remembering to follow my own advice! Breathe, take a few moments, give myself grace and also remember that no is a complete sentence.
First, as always, thanks for today's art. It's such a lovely way to begin a day. I laughed out loud when I saw a photo of Gary Bunt. He is so not like the roly poly man he chooses to paint. In fact he looked a bit like a version of a spare and lanky Mick Jagger. I notice self talk constantly, all day, every day. Sometimes I consciously correct negative self talk as I notice it. And sometimes I just enjoy the drama but don't really believe it. I sometimes tell myself that I'm a very lucky person and find that it seems to result in parking spaces appearing as needed.
I definitely have a stronger inner critic, when I am ignoring my own meditation needs. If I 'sit' once or twice daily, for 20 or 30 minutes, then I am more likely to have a more cheerful inner space/voice/attitude.
There are many aspects and 'practices' one can use in meditation.
One image that works for me, as I sit, is that I have a tiny Buddha in my lower belly, and I am taking care of this one. Sending out kindness, compassion, love to this small one. And then imagine there is a large Buddha, just behind me, enfolding me in their robes, and this wise one knows all about the past and the future; knows all "I" will have to face in my life. This large all knowing Buddhas loves me unconditionally and fearlessly.
I absolutely, completely, always, constantly use overly extreme internal language. Friends have said to me, "Your self-talk is terrible." I'll tell them next time that "terrible" is an extreme word. Do they really mean something less dire? Actually, I don't think they do.
But Eric gives us an elegant and simple solution for...maybe a butterfly-effect toward a softer self-image. He starts with: just be aware of your own hyperbole (challenging, yes, because this style of expression is fashionable) and then bring the words back to earth. I think this is really worth a try.
Spent part of my morning with a friend discussing a situation in her life which is, by any objective measure, profoundly difficult. That said, I noticed a pattern of polarized thinking: exaggerating the nature of the situation as being terrible, awful, unsolvable, and permanent (none of this is true) and, at the same time, minimizing the impact it’s having on her (“but it’s OK, I’ll be fine, if I do X then maybe things will improve…” none of this is true either). I think this collision of catastrophizing and minimizing voices is common, especially for women, and one ends up paralyzed in the middle. Curious to hear what you think, and also if this is true for men or if that pattern is different (broadly speaking of course).
Also, for help with identifying the Great Exaggerator and reeling it in, I highly recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Full Catastrophe Living.
I am feeling so sorry with everybody who has to deal with this, though it is still hard for me to believe that people do this to themselves.
I have heard of an inner critic, and I am glad I do not have one. I never had one. There are times when I have to deal with frustration, but that works differently. Might be my aphantasia.
In my life, I have probably used swear words about 10 times. I don't tend to exaggerate. I know that this sounds as if I am a saint. There is a drawback to that. I don't experience anger or joy. Alexithymia at work.
I don't know how, or if, those things work hand in hand. All I know: it's a blessing and a curse.
So much to respond to in that useful reflection. However for now, since my time is short, I will say how much I enjoy the art added to your thoughtful musings and insights. They add a human element with a touch of beauty and nature. All of which are free gifts. And if we decide to redeem life's multitude of restorative coupons, all the better. Thank you for giving us such good images and life lessons to ponder and hopefully apply.
You're so welcome.
When I was in recovery from a broken heart I thought the voice was what my (ex)partner was saying to me. With time I realized I was talking back to this critical voice, and it wasn't going away. It took more time to notice that I don't talk that way to people I care about; so, the question came up-Why do I talk to myself that way? It still feels like there are many parts to me expressed in my other voice and it scares me to think how harsh language can make me withdraw. As I become more aware on talking to my children and my supportive friends I can practice some of Eric's kinder word replacements. Noticing and naming behavior are first steps.
I love this, Mona. (And glad it sounds as if you're now recovered!)
Words carry a big impact when you say them to others and they carry a big impact when you say them to yourself. Appreciate Eric’s reminder of that and advice!
This is wonderful! You may be interested in our new "Threat" linguistic dictionary which can help identify when we're using threat talk! See this paper, https://www.pnas.org/doi/pdf/10.1073/pnas.2113891119
Thanks, Michele!
Thank you so much for this timely post! On Wednesday afternoon this week my husband I went to the optometrist. I had been worried about my vision for a couple of reasons, my husband had said he couldn't see through his glasses. Thankfully the appointments went well, our eyes are quite healthy, our vision barely changed. My worries had probably been due to a lot of traveling to different places, different humidity, lack of sleep, etc.
So that was the good news, great news! But then we made a mistake. Feeling happy about our good reports we broke a rule we usually follow: never make a big financial decision without sleeping on it. The optometrist had led us to the staff who order new glasses as if it were a given that we would get new glasses. And we just went along and when we got home it sank into us that we had spent $800. The office was already closed, too late to yell stop. We barely slept that night as that $800 is impacting a budget already battered by our recent travels.
Upshot was, we went back to the office on Thursday morning as soon as it opened and explained that, really, our budget can't afford new glasses. The staff were pleasant--as were we--but their response was, too late, the lenses have already been cut. (Amazing that glasses that will take two weeks to arrive are already at such a stage but oh well.) We stayed very true to ourselves, owning that the mistake was ours but asking if we could stop the process at least. The jury is still out on that.
But what we finally realized was that we have lost sight (hah) of the good news: our eyes are healthy. And, yes, the budget is going to hurt for a few months if we can't recoup the money, but, in the end, we are thankful we are in the position where we can say, it's only money. And we were reminded of the very good mantra that we usually follow: sleep on a big decision and spending that much money was a big decision ;)
So, it's all, in the end, okay. Nobody died, good relations were maintained, after realizing our mistake, we still acted in a way of kindness and integrity that makes us feel at peace within ourselves :)
Such a good and apt story, Valerie - thank you for sharing that.
I do believe that the inner voice, be it critical or supportive, vacillates within the context of where we are in our life at the time. If our daily routines are placid, stable, and filled with people/pet support then the negative terminology and language will be diminished or at least radically reduced. But, if daily life is a constant battle filled with perhaps economic/health/relationship uncertainties to name a few then the harsh inner critic will unleash its ugly side. The lack of predictability in life’s events can filter the calm or critical voices. Certainly not always an easy situation to overcome and navigate.
Eric's framing landed for me — especially the idea that extreme language doesn't just describe our inner state, it *creates* it.
I write about this in my book. In Chapter 5, I describe a morning I woke up agitated, mind already churning before my feet hit the floor. My instinct was to grab the phone. Instead, I sat down, closed my eyes, and offered myself something I didn't know I was starving for — words of love.
*May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I have the deepest well-being.*
At first it felt mechanical. Just words floating in the dark. But halfway through, something gave. The tightness in my chest released. I felt the room again. I could hear the wind in the trees outside.
Then I let it expand — past myself, past my walls, out into the world:
*May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you have the deepest well-being.* To the people I love. To strangers I'll never meet. To the version of the world I still believe in.
The whole practice takes six minutes. It lives on YouTube. And it has quietly become the most important thing I do all day.
Because the inner voice doesn't go quiet on its own. But you can change what it says — before the world gets a word in.
The language we choose internally is an input. And that input, offered with tenderness, changes everything downstream.
I love this so much! Thank you Terry!
Terry: Your comments remind me of the Buddhist words, "You are what you think". And we are exactly that!
Hello Susan!
Away from this topic, are you watching the World Cup of football (soccer)is being hold in your country?
And congratulations for your win 4-1, a big win, and I love the way that your team plays.
Thank you, Raed - my boys, husband included, are watching! :)
Ahhhh lovely to create this atmosphere and come together watching the games. All the best.