I like the idea of a book titled, "Benefit of the Doubt". That used to be important to me and then problems at work led me to stop thinking that way. I would be very interested in a post called that as a preview to a book!
As a daughter, mother and grandmother, I’m blessed to be in the ‘sandwich’ generation. When the role of Nana was new to me I constantly felt in a state of inner conflict- guilt for not being there enough to help out, or spend time with friends when asked out, and silent disappointment at not giving my‘self’ time while trying to be and do all that I could for others.
Eventually I got to a place of realization (probably when my back went out - thankfully all better now) that we weren’t created to be all for all, and that there’s no way to pacify everyone’s hurt when we can’t, much as we might try.
I send buckets of love to everyone in my life, and I hope and pray they feel my loving vibes and that there are no hard feelings for me not being or doing as much I’d really wish I could. I hope and pray that is enough. Because at this point, for me, it needs to be.
Thank you Susan for yet another validation. And to everyone here - your words have me feel like we are holding hands as we navigate life. There is so much comfort in the sharing of the human experience. Many blessings!
Susan, Thank you. So much I could share about disappointment as most of my life I felt I have been a disappointment - not in the way Chris described regarding time, but not holding the flame as others hoped/expected of me - professionally, personally and even sometimes spiritually. As for the spiritual, that is up to God not man's as St. Peter suggests in Acts. Rather than focus on my life disappointments, I want to applaud with appreciation your generosity to share art! As I read about Gary Bunt there was a nudge to spend time with his website, even though I was in the midst of a domestic project. His work warmed and connected with my heart. My most recent job was at a market. I am now retired. Most everyone was disappointed that I chose to do this work in my senior years and not using my degrees! It was a fabulous job and I learned so much from the work but most of all from the people I daily encountered. My shift began at 5am, so most days I rode my bicycle to work. This was of interest to my young colleagues to see Ms Susan on her bike even in cold weather. The bike ride was glorious. Gary's art of the moonlight brought tears - good tears. Each morning I rode the bicycle and with the moon talked to God - reflecting on the good and not so good of the day before, bits of gratitude, seeking forgiveness, and setting tone for the day to listen with the heart, serve with the heart, and live humbly with the heart. I hope acceptable as I would love to include Gary's work on prayer reflections that I share with people on retreat. Of course including his name and link to his site, and to Quiet Life as well. So sorry for the length of this post. You are always amazingly kind and generous to acknowledge comments/ posts. Blessings and THANK YOU!!!
Reading this post and the comments shared here… I found space to forgive myself a little more, and others too who have hurt / disappointed me along the way. Giving the benefit of doubt used to feel like a foolhardy way of living that didn’t honour my own boundaries; now, with age and lived experiences, it feels more like a suspension of judgement which liberates me and equally others- so that we all get through the day easier. Thank you so much for this comforting piece.
Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is a great shift of perspective vs. building a story in your head that the disappointment is somehow a negative feeling against you. I can see how burnout happens from doing more to make someone pay attention when they literally can’t! It’s finite. Grace one another the benefit of the doubt 🪷 🙌.
Ohhhh, this is so well expressed! Wow! I really relate! Thank you for the gift of this posting. You give me clarity and words to go with the feelings and this experience.
So grateful for this one! My husband and I are preparing to 'end' our involvement with settling Dad's estate. The work is not done, but we have been at it full time for 2 and 1/2 years. Dad left a fully operating small business, with no plan for going forward without him. Anyway, we are disappointing friends and family and we are bringing happiness to other friends and family. Mostly we are doing for us at 71 years young, need to do for ourselves! So needless to say, I am so grateful for today's posting! Also the famous among many is so very, very timely. I could write a book about how this applies!
Thank you Susan. It is a release for me to just read that someone else has this thinking. I have felt, in the past that I should be an octopus with eight arms, to lighten the load of things before me. I also have felt I should have clones of ME to handle the triage you mention! I love reading your thoughts, and I love the thoughts of those who respond. This is similar for other Substacks I have signed up for. When I do read (as it seems I am more in triage mode at times) I am really adding to my selfcare to "hear" others. I have good intentions of returning to read what I have missed while attending with "eight ears", and am thrilled that there is a book entitled "Time Anxiety". Wow! I am a work in progress! I do give others the benefit of the doubt, and I am hopeful that they can do the same for me 😉.
Why is it that your invitations to dialogue so often land exactly on a tender spot I’m wrestling with?
Though I have my trusty toolbox and relationships feel far less like minefields, as a deep-feeler I remain exquisitely attuned to people’s responses. A tone of voice, a passing word, a glance that hints I may have disappointed someone—any of it can stir a current of self-blame. A pang of disappointment with myself.
It actually surfaced during our last candlelight chat. I’ve followed Annaka’s work for a long time. The nature of consciousness—what it is, what it isn’t, and its possibly foundational role—feels like such an expansive, hopeful inquiry for me.
Which is why, when I thought I'd missed the call, I took it hard. Not only had I entered the wrong date into my calendar and spent part of a Sunday lamenting a gathering I hadn’t actually missed, but I'd also over-prepared. I had at least ten questions lined up. And wouldn’t you know it, I chose the wrong one. Or at least, it felt wrong. I stumbled. I felt clumsy, misunderstood, and disappointed with myself.
My disappointed-self had quite a field day.
But later, after letting her have her moment, I began to hear a gentler voice. One that said: Isn’t is something—that I care this much? That I’m willing to risk feeling foolish, to ask the wrong question. To risk being misunderstood, disappointing myself and the people I want to connect with—because relationships matter that much to me.
So, thank you, Susan, for hosting this space that calls forward our tender tangled selves.
Thank you for your comment and oh no I’m so sorry you had this experience! Of course you are the only one who noticed it but still I get the disappointment. But really the nature of Annaka’s work is that it would require a semester long seminar with her and even then you would only scratch the surface.
My youngest daughter is getting married in 4 weeks. Her nieces and nephew are in the wedding ceremony. She sent out a timeline and suggested that the kids other grandparents plan to pick them up after the cocktail hour ( before dinner). My other daughter and D-I-L expected them to be there for dinner. Lots of turmoil ensued on Mother’s Day. She stuck to her timeline (so far) but feels responsible for a “miscommunication “. I told her to let it go and they just need to shift their thinking. Any effort on her part to make it better would be fruitless. I feel bad that she feels bad about this as she plans HER day.
There are some words written by CS Lewis in his book “The Four Loves” that beautifully describe friendship love… I’ve shared this quote with you before. First of all, I’d wish this kind of deep, meaningful, affectionate love for everyone, and I know for myself, it is what I’m looking for. But… you can’t have this with everyone. You can’t even have it with all those who you feel are wonderful people… for a number of reasons, but time is a big one. But I do come across people who are just the best, and what rings in my mind is… “you’re out there, being who you are, and though this person may not be a part of my world, apart from me… out there, they are real, beautiful, kind… and I always find myself saying, “I am so glad you are in the world”. The demand on my time is not the same as the demand on your time, but I’d hope others would look at me in the same way. Be of good cheer, it is enough that you ARE!
A friend often sent me an “I missed you at church today” text on Sundays. He’s been doing this a lot lately because I rarely attend; the reasons are a much longer discussion. This was his way of reaching out to me, and I appreciated his gesture. After some time, his texts started to annoy me. Did he miss me or only miss me at church? I went to church recently and saw him, and he said it was good to see me in church again. I smiled and said that he could call me anytime and that I was available to get together. The following Sunday, I happened to be at church again, and he came over to ask how I had been doing. Barely before I could give him an answer, he got up to say hello to all of his other friends, and we never picked up the conversation. Maybe we have disappointed each other.
This is a highly relatable piece for me. Although on a much smaller scale, I am well known in the community I serve in and I often find myself thinking about who I might be leaving out if I don’t invite them or talk to them. There’s that balance between doing my best and recognizing that my best won’t satisfy everyone’s needs. Ultimately, I ask myself if I have been faithful to my calling and purpose? I find some rest there.
It's one thing to disappoint others, it's another to feel like a disappointment. I never want to make anyone feel that way. As Jo Sala states here, it comes at a perfect time, Mothers Day, but for a different reason. Mothers Day has become a day I dread, mostly for the assumed and expected absence of my son or any sign of him (card, please?). This year, actually a few days ago, I decided to write him and let him know that it was important to me that he acknowledge me with a card (trying to protect myself from disappointment, which actually feels like grief). He came through, and I was very aware of not wanting to make him feel like a disappointment to me. Fine balance between taking care of myself and expressing my needs, which is always hard for me.
I appreciate this post for it's honesty and self-revealing humility. The moment in the elevator, I can relate to that, and the aftermath of feeling disappointed in myself..."what came over me???" It is usually some form of self-absorption or righteousness. My mantra will now be, 'Hey man, we're all trying to get through the day.."
Yes, I can think of times I disappointed my parents, siblings and friends. At times it weighs on me but I realize I am human and not perfect. I do the best I can with the time I have. Being a cancer survivor myself and having my husband recently being diagnosed with cancer, I realize how precious every day is!
This one comes at such a perfect time for me, the day after Mother's Day. I still struggle with wishing that I could have done more, done better, been better, loved better with my mother...the daughter-mother relationships can be challenging. At least they were for me. I struggle with the disappointent in myself, the guilt, the sadness...and the need to keep working on forgiving myself and giving myself some grace in knowing that I did what I could at the time, imperfect as it was. And it's the same with friends today...I struggle at times with attention that I need to pay to them, and the, at least at this time in my life, extra time and solitude that I seem to require these days to keep going. I love what Ram Dass wrote...."We are all just walking each other home." And even though I seem to have to walk quite a bit of it alone these days, I try and send loving energy toward others, even in brief interactions. And try to remember to send that to myself and my own wounds. We are all so very human.
I like the idea of a book titled, "Benefit of the Doubt". That used to be important to me and then problems at work led me to stop thinking that way. I would be very interested in a post called that as a preview to a book!
Thank you! Let me think about that one.
As a daughter, mother and grandmother, I’m blessed to be in the ‘sandwich’ generation. When the role of Nana was new to me I constantly felt in a state of inner conflict- guilt for not being there enough to help out, or spend time with friends when asked out, and silent disappointment at not giving my‘self’ time while trying to be and do all that I could for others.
Eventually I got to a place of realization (probably when my back went out - thankfully all better now) that we weren’t created to be all for all, and that there’s no way to pacify everyone’s hurt when we can’t, much as we might try.
I send buckets of love to everyone in my life, and I hope and pray they feel my loving vibes and that there are no hard feelings for me not being or doing as much I’d really wish I could. I hope and pray that is enough. Because at this point, for me, it needs to be.
Thank you Susan for yet another validation. And to everyone here - your words have me feel like we are holding hands as we navigate life. There is so much comfort in the sharing of the human experience. Many blessings!
Susan, Thank you. So much I could share about disappointment as most of my life I felt I have been a disappointment - not in the way Chris described regarding time, but not holding the flame as others hoped/expected of me - professionally, personally and even sometimes spiritually. As for the spiritual, that is up to God not man's as St. Peter suggests in Acts. Rather than focus on my life disappointments, I want to applaud with appreciation your generosity to share art! As I read about Gary Bunt there was a nudge to spend time with his website, even though I was in the midst of a domestic project. His work warmed and connected with my heart. My most recent job was at a market. I am now retired. Most everyone was disappointed that I chose to do this work in my senior years and not using my degrees! It was a fabulous job and I learned so much from the work but most of all from the people I daily encountered. My shift began at 5am, so most days I rode my bicycle to work. This was of interest to my young colleagues to see Ms Susan on her bike even in cold weather. The bike ride was glorious. Gary's art of the moonlight brought tears - good tears. Each morning I rode the bicycle and with the moon talked to God - reflecting on the good and not so good of the day before, bits of gratitude, seeking forgiveness, and setting tone for the day to listen with the heart, serve with the heart, and live humbly with the heart. I hope acceptable as I would love to include Gary's work on prayer reflections that I share with people on retreat. Of course including his name and link to his site, and to Quiet Life as well. So sorry for the length of this post. You are always amazingly kind and generous to acknowledge comments/ posts. Blessings and THANK YOU!!!
Reading this post and the comments shared here… I found space to forgive myself a little more, and others too who have hurt / disappointed me along the way. Giving the benefit of doubt used to feel like a foolhardy way of living that didn’t honour my own boundaries; now, with age and lived experiences, it feels more like a suspension of judgement which liberates me and equally others- so that we all get through the day easier. Thank you so much for this comforting piece.
Giving the other person the benefit of the doubt is a great shift of perspective vs. building a story in your head that the disappointment is somehow a negative feeling against you. I can see how burnout happens from doing more to make someone pay attention when they literally can’t! It’s finite. Grace one another the benefit of the doubt 🪷 🙌.
Ohhhh, this is so well expressed! Wow! I really relate! Thank you for the gift of this posting. You give me clarity and words to go with the feelings and this experience.
So grateful for this one! My husband and I are preparing to 'end' our involvement with settling Dad's estate. The work is not done, but we have been at it full time for 2 and 1/2 years. Dad left a fully operating small business, with no plan for going forward without him. Anyway, we are disappointing friends and family and we are bringing happiness to other friends and family. Mostly we are doing for us at 71 years young, need to do for ourselves! So needless to say, I am so grateful for today's posting! Also the famous among many is so very, very timely. I could write a book about how this applies!
Thank you Susan. It is a release for me to just read that someone else has this thinking. I have felt, in the past that I should be an octopus with eight arms, to lighten the load of things before me. I also have felt I should have clones of ME to handle the triage you mention! I love reading your thoughts, and I love the thoughts of those who respond. This is similar for other Substacks I have signed up for. When I do read (as it seems I am more in triage mode at times) I am really adding to my selfcare to "hear" others. I have good intentions of returning to read what I have missed while attending with "eight ears", and am thrilled that there is a book entitled "Time Anxiety". Wow! I am a work in progress! I do give others the benefit of the doubt, and I am hopeful that they can do the same for me 😉.
Dear Susan,
Why is it that your invitations to dialogue so often land exactly on a tender spot I’m wrestling with?
Though I have my trusty toolbox and relationships feel far less like minefields, as a deep-feeler I remain exquisitely attuned to people’s responses. A tone of voice, a passing word, a glance that hints I may have disappointed someone—any of it can stir a current of self-blame. A pang of disappointment with myself.
It actually surfaced during our last candlelight chat. I’ve followed Annaka’s work for a long time. The nature of consciousness—what it is, what it isn’t, and its possibly foundational role—feels like such an expansive, hopeful inquiry for me.
Which is why, when I thought I'd missed the call, I took it hard. Not only had I entered the wrong date into my calendar and spent part of a Sunday lamenting a gathering I hadn’t actually missed, but I'd also over-prepared. I had at least ten questions lined up. And wouldn’t you know it, I chose the wrong one. Or at least, it felt wrong. I stumbled. I felt clumsy, misunderstood, and disappointed with myself.
My disappointed-self had quite a field day.
But later, after letting her have her moment, I began to hear a gentler voice. One that said: Isn’t is something—that I care this much? That I’m willing to risk feeling foolish, to ask the wrong question. To risk being misunderstood, disappointing myself and the people I want to connect with—because relationships matter that much to me.
So, thank you, Susan, for hosting this space that calls forward our tender tangled selves.
Sending love from sunny Woodstock,
Julia
Thank you for your comment and oh no I’m so sorry you had this experience! Of course you are the only one who noticed it but still I get the disappointment. But really the nature of Annaka’s work is that it would require a semester long seminar with her and even then you would only scratch the surface.
My youngest daughter is getting married in 4 weeks. Her nieces and nephew are in the wedding ceremony. She sent out a timeline and suggested that the kids other grandparents plan to pick them up after the cocktail hour ( before dinner). My other daughter and D-I-L expected them to be there for dinner. Lots of turmoil ensued on Mother’s Day. She stuck to her timeline (so far) but feels responsible for a “miscommunication “. I told her to let it go and they just need to shift their thinking. Any effort on her part to make it better would be fruitless. I feel bad that she feels bad about this as she plans HER day.
There are some words written by CS Lewis in his book “The Four Loves” that beautifully describe friendship love… I’ve shared this quote with you before. First of all, I’d wish this kind of deep, meaningful, affectionate love for everyone, and I know for myself, it is what I’m looking for. But… you can’t have this with everyone. You can’t even have it with all those who you feel are wonderful people… for a number of reasons, but time is a big one. But I do come across people who are just the best, and what rings in my mind is… “you’re out there, being who you are, and though this person may not be a part of my world, apart from me… out there, they are real, beautiful, kind… and I always find myself saying, “I am so glad you are in the world”. The demand on my time is not the same as the demand on your time, but I’d hope others would look at me in the same way. Be of good cheer, it is enough that you ARE!
A friend often sent me an “I missed you at church today” text on Sundays. He’s been doing this a lot lately because I rarely attend; the reasons are a much longer discussion. This was his way of reaching out to me, and I appreciated his gesture. After some time, his texts started to annoy me. Did he miss me or only miss me at church? I went to church recently and saw him, and he said it was good to see me in church again. I smiled and said that he could call me anytime and that I was available to get together. The following Sunday, I happened to be at church again, and he came over to ask how I had been doing. Barely before I could give him an answer, he got up to say hello to all of his other friends, and we never picked up the conversation. Maybe we have disappointed each other.
This is a highly relatable piece for me. Although on a much smaller scale, I am well known in the community I serve in and I often find myself thinking about who I might be leaving out if I don’t invite them or talk to them. There’s that balance between doing my best and recognizing that my best won’t satisfy everyone’s needs. Ultimately, I ask myself if I have been faithful to my calling and purpose? I find some rest there.
It's one thing to disappoint others, it's another to feel like a disappointment. I never want to make anyone feel that way. As Jo Sala states here, it comes at a perfect time, Mothers Day, but for a different reason. Mothers Day has become a day I dread, mostly for the assumed and expected absence of my son or any sign of him (card, please?). This year, actually a few days ago, I decided to write him and let him know that it was important to me that he acknowledge me with a card (trying to protect myself from disappointment, which actually feels like grief). He came through, and I was very aware of not wanting to make him feel like a disappointment to me. Fine balance between taking care of myself and expressing my needs, which is always hard for me.
I appreciate this post for it's honesty and self-revealing humility. The moment in the elevator, I can relate to that, and the aftermath of feeling disappointed in myself..."what came over me???" It is usually some form of self-absorption or righteousness. My mantra will now be, 'Hey man, we're all trying to get through the day.."
Yes, I can think of times I disappointed my parents, siblings and friends. At times it weighs on me but I realize I am human and not perfect. I do the best I can with the time I have. Being a cancer survivor myself and having my husband recently being diagnosed with cancer, I realize how precious every day is!
This one comes at such a perfect time for me, the day after Mother's Day. I still struggle with wishing that I could have done more, done better, been better, loved better with my mother...the daughter-mother relationships can be challenging. At least they were for me. I struggle with the disappointent in myself, the guilt, the sadness...and the need to keep working on forgiving myself and giving myself some grace in knowing that I did what I could at the time, imperfect as it was. And it's the same with friends today...I struggle at times with attention that I need to pay to them, and the, at least at this time in my life, extra time and solitude that I seem to require these days to keep going. I love what Ram Dass wrote...."We are all just walking each other home." And even though I seem to have to walk quite a bit of it alone these days, I try and send loving energy toward others, even in brief interactions. And try to remember to send that to myself and my own wounds. We are all so very human.