I am aware of how little I know
“We can choose to dispose our attention in a certain way, and depending on how we dispose it, we find a different world.” — Iain McGilchrist
This weekend I’ve been immersed in the work of the great author and psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist, including the profound insight above.
But it’s not actually his work I’m sharing with you today; today, I just want to share this reflection of his, on his own shyness.
This is for you if you’re shy too, or if you have imposter syndrome, or if you’re a writer or researcher who tends to feel that you’ve never learned quite enough and that there’s still one more study you really should read, one more point you really should make, to ensure that your argument is airtight and able to withstand the slings and arrows of the most formidable imaginary PhD examiner.
I don’t know why we love so much to know that we’re not alone in our idiosyncrasies, but we do.
So here’s Iain:
“I cannot account for it: my parents did not in any way undermine me, they rather supported me, and would have given me confidence. And at school, I certainly wasn’t told I was not good enough, or anything like that. But I’ve always gone through life with the, you know, what they call the ‘imposter syndrome’. I am aware of how little I know. And so you feel like you’re skating on thin ice all the time. And you can never have enough knowledge of an area. So when I’m writing, I’m drilling down and gathering in and trying to make sure that what I’m saying is grounded on something that is very hard to refute. I’m a shy person, but I’ve developed a persona as many shy people do for performing. And it’s interesting to me as a psychiatrist that some of the people who have what’s now diagnosed as social phobia (in the past, they would just have been said to be rather a shy, retiring person), often take jobs that involve them being on stage. Or being a DJ is another famous one. You’d think you’d have to have a lot of confidence to do these things. But actually it’s a kind of way of performing which is not too threatening.” - Iain McGilchrist
I think we shy people tend to be ponderers. Pondering leads to curiosity and wanting to know. In specific moments I might not know enough, but generally I want to know it all!
I worked on the leadership team of a large school district department. I was easily able to speak in front of 250 people. And I could make the crowd laugh! During a break, talking to individuals was so difficult. I always thought it was very weird until I heard Jerry Seinfeld joke, "I can talk to ALL of you, but I can't talk to ANY of you." Performing and being just yourself are two very different things.