How to navigate social situations involving more than 2 people
Here's the latest edition of our Q and A!
Q: Today’s question comes from Quiet Life member Paul Regensburg: “Would like a discussion of how to navigate social situations involving more than two people. It seems that I have no problem bringing my whole self when with my wife and say one other couple. When socializing calls for two, three or more other couples, I fade, my mind goes numb and I hear nothing but the din of voices. And then I feel disappointed with myself. For a time, I'd have a drink or two before going out, which actually helped but unless I kept that going, the uneasiness returned like the tides. Plus I'm not much of a drinker!”
A: And here’s my answer:
Dear Paul,
The part of me that answers such questions with all the things we “should” do is full of advice about how to prepare for and accustom yourself to these situations, so that you can learn to adapt to and even enjoy them. I’ll offer that advice in a minute, because I know that life thrusts most of us (for familial, social, or professional reasons) into these situations, whether we prefer them or not.
But my REAL answer - and I know it’s real because it’s the way I live my life these days - is to eschew these situations, when possible, without feeling guilty about it. I almost wrote “to avoid these situations” - but the word “eschew” expresses my state of mind more clearly. To “avoid” implies to scurry away in fear. To eschew is to make a clear and dignified assessment of what one does and doesn’t enjoy.
Having said this, here is my advice for thriving in such situations:
Accept your true nature. Understand that you’re probably not going to be the life of the party. And that’s OK, because you have other gifts! This is different from saying “Realistically, I don’t enjoy these events, so I’ll accept myself by attending as few of them as possible” (which is also fine). But here, you’re saying: “I’m going to attend, but I’m not going to sit around wishing I were like that guy over there who’s effortlessly yukking it up.” Being yourself may mean seeking out a few meaningful interactions. In cocktail party type situations, you can proactively choose to inhabit a quieter area of the room that lends itself to deeper conversations.
But: even in large-group conversations (eg., around a dinner table), you can try to nudge the conversation in a simpatico direction. Which brings us to the next point:
Remind yourself that social skills come in many different forms. Your form may involve (for example) sincerely asking people about themselves, and looking for entry points into deeper discussions. Many people are thrilled to be invited down an interesting conversational garden path.
Here are examples of how to steer a conversation into deeper places:
If it’s holiday time and people start chit-chatting about vacations, you can ask: “What’s the most memorable place you’ve traveled to?”