Do You Apologize For Things That Aren't Your Fault?
If so, you've probably exiled crucial parts of yourself to the emotional hinterlands; here's how to bring them home
Last week, I took a car service to the airport. Traffic was heavy, and the drive was unusually long. When we arrived, I offered the driver a cash tip.
He shook his head and said: “The gratuity is already included” (something no driver has ever said before; I greatly appreciated his honesty).
I said, “I know, but that’s OK,” and added: “The trip to the airport was so long” — meaning, he deserved the extra tip. He nodded, and put the money in his pocket.
And then he said “I’m sorry”.
I didn’t know why he was apologizing. It was only after I walked away that I realized that he took my remark about the length of the trip as an accusation, rather than what I’d meant it to be: a nod to the terrible traffic, and a reassurance that he deserved the extra money.
This was in keeping with his behavior throughout the ride, which had been accommodating to a fault. He’d even told me that I should think of the car as belonging not to him but to me.
And what had happened to him to make him so quick to apologize, to feel so undeserving?
And if YOU are overly quick to apologize, if you instinctively accommodate, or worry that you’ve burdened someone — why is that?
I don’t know the driver’s story, and I don’t know yours; but if you apologize a lot, it’s likely NOT because you’re constantly in the wrong.
Here’s what’s probably happening, and how to change it.
Do you remember the incredible Candlelight Chat we did, where our guests were the hosts of This Jungian Life (which has since become one of my favorite podcasts)? In one episode, Lisa Marchiano, Deborah Stewart, and Joseph Lee explore the reasons that some humans over-apologize: